..."cat napping"

awww... so sweet....
unfortunately....
NOT very
"true-to-life"...
especially...
at my house...

I have "slept"
with kitties for years...
some have tried
to sleep on my feet...
[not for long...]
or worse...
between them...


some slept
in THEIR bed...near me...
[what a concept...]
some have insisted on sleeping on top of me...
[also, not for long...]
some have slept on my pillow...
or at least, the pillow I wasn't using...

when it is warm...they like the window sill...
when it's cold... they are "heat seekers"...
[and it's MY heat they seek...]

but when it's too cool for open windows...
but too warm for me to use the down comforter...
[it's a GREAT insulator against "making beds" with SHARP claws...]
it's a battle of wills...and I always lose...




[Piglet on "her" bed... aka "my" bed... ]


in the fall of 1998... I rescued a kitten from my school...
she was brought to me in late October...[a birthday present...? ]
probably just hours from death ...
due to starvation, dehydration and mistreatment...

I knew that she was in trouble when I first held her...
she was just skin and bones...
with the spittle from an abusive student...
still glistening on her face...
[a kind-hearted student had rescued her from being "kicked"...]

I offered her food and water... she wasn't interested...
and she felt cold and limp to my touch...
I rushed her to my vet on my "prep"...
and he told me that she would not have survived the night...

while I went back to school, she got an IV to re-hydrate her...
and some nourishment in small amounts, as she was so weak...
I took her home after school ...
and made her a warm nest in my bathroom....

this way, she was isolated from the "herd"...
and could be safe to regain her strength...

for the first week, I had to pick her up
and put her in front of her dish...
where, because she was so weak, she would eat, lying down...
after about 2 weeks, I introduced her to the "herd"...
but she never really fit in and soon was a bed room kitty...

at the most, there were 6 kitties who,
"didn't play well with others"...
they isolated themselves from the herd
and "lived" in the back yard...
coming into the bedroom at night... [there are only 2 left...]
[I keep the bedroom door shut
to accommodate them...
and keep me from being
squeezed off my own bed at night...]

I named her Samantha at first...
but that didn't really fit...
as she "got healthy"...
she developed a round body, on stumpy legs...
that reminded me of Piglet from Winnie the Pooh...

her tail had been broken in several places...
[my vet said she was probably kicked repeatedly...]
and it healed in a zig-zag shape...
[like Peek-a-choo...]
so her name just became "Piglet"...

I have immortalized her in 2 Catmas Carols...
[Carol of the Cat,12/20/07 & Unholy Noise,12/19/07]
and she has made an "appearance" in a couple of other posts...
she is, ..."legend"...

she is known as,"Piglet, Queen of Everything"...
and she takes her position seriously...
especially... when it comes to her "position" on the bed...

her "accustomed place", is next to me...
[or if I allow it...half on top of me...]
with her paws and chest on my left shoulder or arm...

if I have been "elsewhere"...
and she is asleep in the nest...
when I come to bed...if Fluff decides to curl up next to me...
Piglet is awake instantly...
and asserts her dominance by giving Fluff,
"the bums rush"....
assuming her "rightful spot" on my left...

she used to insist on my stomach...
but I put a stop to that...
after she would repeatedly "leap"
to the window...then back...
ALL NIGHT LONG...
but, I digress...

so, after making beds in my side/arm for several minutes...
all the while, purring in my ear
like a drag racer, gunning his engine...
she will burrow in...still purring...
and drool on my shoulder as she dozes off...
accompanied by twitching and little catly dream noises...
eventually settling in to snore like a chain saw...on "idle"...

when it's cold... the comforter shields me
from being eviscerated...
when it's warmer...she is like a heating pad...
often making me way too hot...
if I move, AT ALL...
she leaps up from a dead sleep...
often using me as her pommel horse in the vault...

she makes the rounds of all the windows in the room...
[there are 4...]
rattling mini blinds and muttering...if she's really upset...
she calls me vile names in "cat"... and bounces back and forth...
often landing on me for "emphasis"... reiterating her complaints and insults...

just as I'm about to drift off...she's baaack...
and the entire "set piece" begins again...
the "bed making"...the purring...the burrowing... the drooling...
this can go on all night
and is the reason I'm sitting here now...
writing this at 3:02 AM... instead of sleeping...

if she's tired enough to get deep in sleep...
then I get to sleep well too...
but, often as not... if that's the case...
then she's up at the crack of dawn...
rattling blinds...pacing...
and demanding her "immediate release"...

when I finally "retire"...she will be asleep in MY spot...
snoring lustily.... and chasing something in her dreams....
I'll have to move her...and probably Fluff too...
just to get into my bed...
then, it will begin, all over again...

sigh...

... I KNEW there was a reason I was "putting it off"

I drive a 2003 Honda Accord Coupe...
[mine is "Desert Mist", aka "gold... this one is silver...]
I had been putting off the oil change...
because I knew it was due for a 45 k maintenance [$$$]

so when my monthly trip to Ahnoldtown, w/ MzYBee...
was changed from Monday... to Wednesday...
I figured I'd take advantage of the time...
and scheduled an appointment...

I'm not used to being ANYWHERE...[anymore...]
at 8 AM ...[after YEARS of being at school by 7 AM...]
especially on Monday...
so I set my alarm...

I enjoyed the "drive" through the country...
to the "sleepy village", some 10+ miles to the north...
especially since MOST people were coming the other way...


I arrived at my dealership, just at 8 AM...



and was pleased to see that I was only 2nd in line...
by the time the service order was written...
the estimate signed...[$400 +... yuck...]
and I went back outside...
there were over a dozen cars waiting...

feeling very grateful for the timely arrival...
I decided to walk the l-o-n-g block to Carrows...
I seldom eat out, but they have some good,
healthy choices for breakfast...
and I was looking forward to killing some
of the 2 hours they SAID it would be...
with a meal...

as I approached the corner location,
I noticed the grass was uncut...
and there were NO cars in the parking lot...
they had "closed"....

of course... across the street...
there was....


successfully avoiding the "Slams"...
I had a veggie/cheese omelet...
[real cheddar, (not too much...) & good veggies...]
with hash browns and wheat toast...
it was not greasy, well prepared...
and, all I could have hoped for...

finished with my breakfast, I strolled back to "wait"...

after "gloating" over the fact ...
that there was now "room"...
on both sides of the chair I was sitting in...
[it had always been a "tight fit" before...]
I "settled-in"...

I played Klondike on my cell...
listened to the folks sitting near me...
avoided watching "Regis & Kelly"...
all the while, trying to NOT nod off...

but I began to realize...
it was taking TOO LONG....
and I was becoming a bit worried...

so when the service rep came in...
and sat next to me...
so we could "discuss some options"...
I knew it was NOT good news...

he said the 45k service went well...



my brakes were in good shape, etc....

the intermittent "air bag icon" on the dash ...



was a seat belt problem, covered by warranty...
so the $100+ diagnostic fee ...
as well as the replacement part & installation...
would be "waived".... [as in, "free"...]

of course, I'll have to bring the car back...
because the parts are NOT in stock...

then, things got "interesting"...

my battery...[factory issue...]
was NOT "cranking" enough amps...
and needed to be replaced...
[almost 6 years...I got my money's worth...
I was sort of expecting this anyway...]





the good news... it was "in stock"...
the bad news...$100+...
I could go to Sears...
but it would probably cost more...
and this one's guaranteed for 36 months...
several years ago...I'd been told that
that's about as good as it gets, anyway...

then came the really bad news...
[right up there with, "root canal" and "tax audit"...]
I needed to replace ALL 4 TIRES...
[total cost... mounted & balanced... $650+]




he went on to explain...
even though there was tread left...
the sidewalls were disinegrating...
due to weathering...big chunks were falling off...
and they were rapidly becoming unsafe...

since in the summer of 2006, we had "heat storms"...
with a week of 110-115 temperatures...
and the following winter, we had a month...
of temperatures into the low 20's...
I'm not really surprised...

and, my tires are almost 6 years old...
and, the car sits "out"...
on a driveway with southern exposure...
[I'm lucky my paint hasn't degraded too...]

I could go to Big O...but I'd probably pay the same...

it would eventually have to be done...
there's the safety issue...
and, the hot months are almost upon us...
and, of course, they had the all weather,
"authorized replacements"... in stock...

so I "bit the bullet"...

of course...this took most of the rest of the day...

so they sent me to Enterprise...[on their $$...]
they've done this before, rather than "stranding me"...
and since even if they took me back home...
I have no ride back...
I agreed...

I don't "fit in "little" cars...
but "full size" [ie Caddys] or minivans... generally are OK...

all vestiges of gloating from fitting, so easily...
in the chair at the dealership...
were now GONE...

we got to the point of me signing the paperwork...
for a red Chrysler minivan...
and I began to get a bad feeling...
so, I said, "wait...I better try it..."

I couldn't fit comfortably...
the steering wheel and drivers seat didn't adjust...
the seat belt was strangling me...
5 months ago... I wouldn't have fit at all....

so we tried a Toyota Sienna minivan... perfect !
just like my Accord...
everything adjusts...
MORE... than enough room...

so...I go "home" ...to wait...

for the service rep. to call me...
around 5 ...OR SO... he says...
[ it was 4:30...]

then, I got to spend over $1270.00...
PLUS... Enterprise charged me $ 5.82 !!!...
for 1 gallon of gas...
for driving 26 miles...
after TELLING me I had "50 miles..."

that $5.82 hurt WORSE than the $1270.00+ !!!

the service rep at Honda couldn't believe they did that...
he told me that the NEXT time...
they would drive me to Mudville...
AND bring me back... [ why am I skeptical ?...]

at least now I KNOW that my tires are golden for the next 5 years...
if you'll pardon the "pun"...

Honda DOES claim to be a "green" car company...
but, today...it was a different kind of green...

WOW... talk about sticker shock...



God is good...

I do have the money to pay for this...
my IRS refund showed up in my account today...
the CA arrived last week...

I did have OTHER plans for it, though ...

along with what I had to pay for tax prep...
that's a cold $2500.00 I didn't expect to have to spend...

ouch !! [MM...I feel your "sticker shock" pain... : P ]

sigh...

I think I need a nap...

...giving thanks

I remember seeing this on the cover ...
of The Saturday Evening Post,
when I was a kid...

saying grace wasn't a tradition at my family's table...
and even at Grandma's [she went to church...]
I don't remember it being more than a quick,
"thank you, Lord..." before we ate...

it's come to be special to me ...
since I've been a Christian...
and even more so...
since some wonderful shared moments...
during these last holidays...

we say "thank you" in many ways...
in prayer, to Jesus, for His gift...
in song... or by offering ourselves...

sometimes, a piece of music...
played on a trumpet...
plotted and practiced...
every note, played with love...

sometimes...a joyful hug...
or a warm embrace...
accompanied by a friendly kiss...

clasped hands...
a loving look...
or even a blink of the eyes...

a favorite food...prepared with love...
a handmade item...
knitted... painted... grown... sewn...

a kind word...
a squeal of joy...
obvious excitement...shared...

part of "living in the moment"...
is being aware of all the beauty and kindness...
that surrounds us...

" how can we keep from singing ? "...

and if we don't feel thankful.... ?
then we should begin to think
of all the ways God has blessed us...

it generally doesn't take me very long...
to find many things to praise and thank Him for...

or you can just play this...

...the times, they are a-changing

I was
about
half way
through
my walk
on this
nice day...
when the stinging pain in my foot...
finally caused me to stop...
slip off my "Croc" ...reach down...
and feel the bottom of my right little toe...

there it was...a blister...
I knew I had to continue on...
so I rubbed off all of the ground litter...
dumped out my shoe and proceeded...

then ...it hit me...
I had just leaned over ...
and felt the underside of my toe...

yesterday in the shower...
I had noticed that I felt more limber...
and had successfully washed my feet
from a standing position....

I had attributed this new flexibility
to the hot water running on my back...
but outside...on a sidewalk ...
a good 2 blocks from my house...
THIS WAS NEW...!
and IT WAS GOOD...!

so when I got home...
I put a bandage on the blister...
[that was also easy... ! ]
and sat down to practice...





I've been walking BEFORE I practice...
because the exercise gets me breathing deeply...
and loosens me up...
so I can then have a better session...

a very good friend has been encouraging me...
and as I become more "healthy"...
all the things she told me 5 months ago...
are happening...

it's NOT that I didn't believe her then...
I'm just amazed and humbled by my success...
because before these last few months...
NONE of this would have been possible...

the difference... is God....

what He has done in my life...
the very special people He has blessed me with...
encouraging and supporting me...
all the while... accepting me ...as I am...
[NOT easy...]

their acceptance of me...."excess baggage", and all...
and their faithfulness in praying for me...
IS the difference...
I could have never gotten this far...
without God's grace, their prayer and support...

for the first time in my life...
I can honestly say that I believe I WILL get healthy...
make it all the way to my goal of being "normal"...

I don't "need" to hide behind the "bulk" anymore...
and every positive step... every day ...
makes my goal seem more attainable...

I feel light on my feet... stronger... more energetic...
just like she said I would...

I feel... HOPE...

I have a long way to go... but with God...
and continued prayer and encouragement...
[you know who you are...
and I DO appreciate your friendship... SO very much...]

I will succeed...

God is VERY good...



[I know I don't look happy...but after all...
my name is Catsinger...
NOT Catswinger...]

hee, hee, hee...

.... carrying a torch

millions of words have been written about friendship...
by SO many writers... much more eloquent than I...

books...operas...stories...songs...poems...

the ideals of friendship... [ie.platonic love...]
have inspired persons to great acts of bravery....
risking everything... and sometimes...
making the ultimate sacrifice...
all in the name of "friendship"...

"...greater love hath no man...than he lay down his life for a friend..."

but who are our "friends" ?

there are as many answers to that question ...
as there are possible friendships...

some people are blessed to find friends in their family...
a sibling...a cousin...an older relative...

for some... they are our neighbors growing up...
the classmate who knows all our secrets...
a "significant other"...who is also the "beloved..."
and even, in some strange cases...a former spouse or lover...
although from what I've seen...those are VERY rare...




there are many different kinds of friends...

the ones you have "at work"... with whom you share that bond...
the ones with whom you share an avocation or interest...
the ones in your "class"...or "gym"...or on "your team"...
the ones from your "lodge"...or "club"...or in "cyber space"...
the ones you "hang out" with... at a coffee shop or diner...
the ones you share a religious conviction with...

where ever you find them... you share a connection...
a shared experience... a supportive, symbiotic relationship...

I suppose there are parasitic "friends"...
but that seems an oxymoron...

for some...making a friend is easy...for others...
it is exceedingly difficult...

I've heard it said that friends are the family you choose for yourself...

as I enter a new phase of my life...
I find myself beginning to see friendship...
in a VERY different way...
than I ever saw it before...

before... I saw it as something to be earned...
or an "attraction" to be cultivated...
someone who makes you feel good when you're together...
someone that you hope will "like you anyway"...
even AFTER they get to know you...

I used to feel compelled to "give" to those I considered friends...
"what's wrong with that ?", you might ask...
who wouldn't want a friend who was always "giving" ? ...

I've VERY recently begun to realize that by "giving" all the time...
I was pushing myself on them...
I was trying to "buy" their friendship...not consciously...
but that was the effect, none-the-less...
and authentic friendships... have "no strings attached"...

generosity is a very good thing...
but being sensitive to your friend's feelings and needs...
is a better thing...

constant "giving" of anything is a plea for attention...
making everything about the giver...
that's parasitic, NOT symbiotic...
smothering, not freeing...
friendships must have room to grow...
space to appreciate each other...


"familiarity breeds contempt..."

the more you analyze a relationship...
the more scrutiny you put to it...
the less natural it is...
and its growth becomes stunted...
perhaps...even dies...

superficial relationships can suffer a great deal of things
that much deeper relationships can't...
that's due to the requisite increased trust and bonding
that you find in more meaningful relationships...

if a superficial friend annoys you...
you can just shrug your shoulders or walk away...
there's no real investment...
no pain...

if someone that you have trusted...
and shared deep feelings with gets out of line...
or hurts you...
there is great pain... and anger...
because of the deeper levels of trust and bonding...
making "healing" difficult...
unless real change takes place...


so what will I do ...
with my newly-emerging gestalt of relationship behavior ?

as little as possible...

because that's always been my main problem...
I DO things...
albeit with good motives...
but I TRY too hard and DO too much...

from now on...I will endeavor to "back away"...
to let God DO it....

DO less...LOVE more...

I've asked Him to change me into a person
that can be the best possible friend...
for those He blesses my life with...
to help me "do less"...and "listen more... "
both to Him... and to my friends...
and to stop, trying so hard...

that way...I'll know what my friend needs from me...
what I can give...
and I'll know how...
because He will lead me...
He's already started...

what better desire could there be for any friend...
than that "God's perfect will, be done in their life...
and in your "relationship"..." ?

"when you rest in the Lord...
less work on your part
means more effective work for Him..."

for when relationships are created ...
and blessed by God...
He will surely give the wisdom ...
and grace to grow and sustain them...
even heal them...if you let Him...

but you HAVE to ask for guidance...
you HAVE to listen for the answers...
and you MUST follow His commands...

this all seems SO simple... but God's way so often is...
"trust and obey..."


we light our individual candles...
to fight off the darkness...




God, transforms them into a single torch...
to warm our souls...

...yellow peril

[aka..."an ode to pollen..."]
(OK... it's not poetic...so sue me...)



...ah, spring.... ah-choo !

until our all too brief rain the other day...
my car...and most of my yard...looked like this...

thanks to blooming trees... grasses...flowers...



and lots of wind...





[I'm not so sure I'd buy a used car from Calvin's dad...
but he may just be correct... about the wind....]





ever since Easter...I've been fighting the "seasonal allergies"...
with varying degrees of success...
depending on what's blooming...
and how hard it's blowing...




my worst sneezing seems to have passed...
with the oak pollen...
and now that the piles of pecan "debris" are pretty much gone...
my nose no longer twitches constantly...




now I'm just dealing with the stuffed nose...[at times...]
and the wages of several weeks of intermittent antihistamines...
more nose-blowing, stopped-up ears, dry mouth ...
and occasional sore throat...




as well as gluey, itchy eyes...which also burn and water...





and ugly headaches...




leaving me, as a dear friend used to say...
"feeling punk..."





forcing me "blow" through my impressive supplies of tissues...





"eat" bags of cough drops...





pop bottles of Excedrin...





and take EXPENSIVE [as in my insurance doesn't pay for them...]
antihistamines...

the good news...

I haven't developed bronchitis this year....
first time in YEARS...without an upper respiratory "thing"...

I haven't needed my inhaler [for the "adult onset" viral asthma]...
at all this year...
[first time in over 10 years...]

so I guess waking up with eyes "glued shut" a few times...
a couple of sore throats, stuffed nose, plugged ears,
and a few sneezes is not so bad...all things considered...

I guess you could say that the only thing I'm REALLY allergic to...
at this point... is sulphur smoke...
and, I believe ...
that I've been successfully vaccinated against that...
[hee, hee...]

AH-CHOO !

God HAS blessed me...

...a nice surprise

today...I awoke...
determined to "live in the moment...

so after my usual ...
quiet time/morning office/prayer...
feed the kitties...
"release the Piglet"...

I went to my computer...
and on Fran's Sacred Ordinary...
I found this cool link ...

I have taken these "age calculators before...
but since there have been major changes...
I was intrigued to see how I would rate now...
[besides...it was very "in the moment"...]

this is a quality test...the questions make sense...
and there are enough to get a viable measurement...
this is not like one of those "blog quizzes"...
that measures your "kissability"...yuck...

I am 59.5 years old...
my virtual age is 39.9 !!
my life expectancy is 97.1 !!

and I am currently 21,734 days old...

WOW !

I guess in the spirit of "the moment"...
that's a lot of moments.
AND...I'm expected to have a LOT more...
but I'm only looking at today...





"today, while the blossoms still cling to the vine...
I'll eat the strawberries...I'll drink the sweet wine...
a million tomorrows, will all pass away...
e're I forget...all the joy that is mine...
today..."


..

...new chapter...old verses

"after long enough of being alone...
everyone must face their share of loneliness...
in my own time, nobody knew...
the pain I was going through...
and waiting was all my heart could do..."





"hope was all I had, until You came...
can You really know, how much You mean to me ?
You were the dawn, breaking the night...
the promise of morning light...
filling the world surrounding me...
when I am with You..."





I had completely forgotten
about the verses of "Only Yesteday"...
it was the chorus that I quoted a few days ago...

in the muddled state I've been in...
the verses came back to me ...
with such astonishing clarity...
that I decided to use them in a post...

only later did I realize the connection...
[hummmm]

I think that I see a light at the end of the tunnel...
I've been struggling for a couple of days...
as usual...trying too hard to be "right"...perfect...
and becoming frustrated and despondent because I can't ....





God watched me flounder... probably thinking, "not again..."
and then...because I spend more time with Him now...
He took me to a reading in a devotional book...
that made it very clear that if I was His...
then my affairs were His...and He would set them in order...

if I would just trust Him to...
and stop "mucking about"... getting in the way ...
and delaying His establishment of order ...
from my chaos...



I've often had a dream where I am riding over a bridge...
that dips down into and below the surface of the ocean...
[think the high rise of the San Mateo Bridge...going East...]
and that's part of the feeling I have at this point...





like I'm on some roller coaster on steroids...
strapped-in..heading on a scary, unknown ride...
into "dangerous" uncharted territory...
still confused and uncertain of the outcome...
but confident in my "guide"...






I'm taking "baby steps"... one at a time...
holding on to His hand... not a clue as to ...
where... or ... how...
only the why...
[because that's what He wants me to do...]

I, who need to "plan ahead"[the future]...
love anything historical...[the past]...
and have NEVER, to my knowledge...
lived "in the moment"...

am going into "the moment"...
with my eyes "wide shut"...
trusting completely in Him ...
and His plan for me...

for those of you who know me...
this should be, interesting...
to say the least...




if you know me...you may know that I suffer from vertigo...
and am NOT happy anywhere near the edge of anything...
and if that edge is "up high"... I'm petrified...

I used to have a reoccurring dream about being on the top
of a 100+ story building...as it started to sway...
leaving me scrambling to keep from falling off...
but I always fell...and would wake up trembling...

so standing here...
on the edge of my "known world"...
is terrifying... or it would be...
completely terrifying...
if He wasn't holding my hand...




so...with some trepidation ...I ooze over the edge...slowly...
just to take a look around... then ooze back...
but He's not happy...where's the trust...?
I've been oozing slowly all my life...and it hasn't worked...
it's time for a real "leap of faith"...


I don't think I like where this is leading...





I've done it now... gone too far...
there can be NO turning back after this point...
like climbing out of that hole....

just like then...I have nothing to lose...
and only my life...
as He would have me live it...to gain...

"it's time to leave the past, with all it's tears behind..."
"to throw my sadness away..."

to "live in the moment"...
trusting everything to the One ...
who will make me whole...

see you on the other side...

...mirror...mirror...on the wall...

"mirror, mirror....
on the wall...

who's the
tiredest...
of this all...?"

"why...
that would
be you,
Catsinger..."
"but why...

why pose
such a
question...
to me...
the magic mirror ?"

"because, I am so very tired of all of this...
it never ends...
and I have been down
THIS road before...

right around that corner, over there...
is a deep, deep hole...
and all around it are quicksand bogs...
hidden in the brier patches...

nope... no way, do I want to go there...
EVER AGAIN..."

"sounds like you are... afraid....
I thought I just heard you ...prattling on ...
all maudlin and sentimental...
about how "God" conquered all your fears...
don't you believe anymore ?"

"mirror, mirror...it's not that I don't believe in God...
I'm not sure that I believe in me..."

"so you're having a crisis of faith ?"

"only of faith in myself..."

"why do you need to believe in yourself too ? ...
isn't believing in God enough for you ? ...
or are you so special that you need something "more" ?..."

"God tells us to love our neighbor, AS OURSELVES.......
and I'm at a point where to get past myself...
I have to look long and hard at myself...
I not only don't like what I see...
it's the same old stuff...the same old me...
I don't see how it can be fixed...
even by God... unless He does lobotomies..."





"oh, sarcasm....how precious...
..oh wait... I see now...
it's "gallows humor"...

you humans are so predictable...
things get tough...and it's 'wah,wah'...
'poor me...I'm SOOO sad...'
'I tried SOOO hard...'
and it STILL didn't work'...
GET OVER IT ! ..."

what you need is to give up all this 'God' stuff...
I'll whip up a spell or two and you'll be happy...
'happy as a pig in slop'...
in NO time at all"...

"uuh, NO THANKS...
I'm not 'into' that sort of thing...
I'm just tired of being the "me"...
that pretty much has to be alone...
because I can only be taken in small doses...
I'm just so tired of the struggle...
but I'm not sure how to effectively give it to God..."

"sounds like a gift I wouldn't want to get...
what makes you so sure that God wants it ? "

"He says that He'll accept me, just as I am...
and He has... He's changed SO much already...
I've asked Him to change these parts of me before...
but I still manage to hurt those I care for...
I just don't understand what to do..."

"maybe He's not who you think he is..."

"I have NO DOUBT ...
that He is exactly who I think He is...
I only have doubts about me...
and my ability to become whom ...
He wants me to be..."

"so, why come whining to me ? ....

believe or don't...

I DON'T CARE..."


"I suppose it does come down to that, doesn't it ?

either I believe that God will change me...
even if I don't understand how...
or why He would take 60 years... to start...

or I don't...
it can't be any simpler...

Thanks magic mirror... !
you've really helped me to
"see things clearly"...

I feel so MUCH better now... ! "


"uuh, don't mention it...
I REALLY mean it...

if this should get back to the Wicked Queen...
or the Wicked Witch of the West...
or...[gulp] "the boss"...
I'd be melted down for scrap in no time...
'aid and comfort to the enemy', you know...
oh bother !...
please...JUST GO !..."

"OK... I'll show myself out...
wait a minute...
how do I get through this hall of mirrors ?"




" heh,heh,heh....you're the one with "friends in high places"...figure it out !"





"Lord, be a light unto my path...direct me in the way that I should go...
Thank you, Jesus..."

...wait... there's more ?

well... I've worked through Dad...
and Mom...
but there's more percolating down there....
in the
"still shadowy" places in my soul...



I believe that God, in three persons, loves me...
I have friends that love me...to varying degrees...
I have kitties who love me...
[they KNOW who buys the cat food...]


I can even say that I love myself...
but do I really believe it... ?

I know that I'm a "good" person...
I know that I have some admirable qualities...
but since I live with "me"...
I know how annoying I CAN be...

and therein, lies the "rub"...
I don't want to annoy anyone....
[well, maybe there are one or two ...
that I don't care if I annoy...
but that's not who I want to be...]

as I have been "wallowing" in my past...
all my failures in relationships of any kind...
keep coming "back"...
reminding me of all the pain...and guilt...

so much positive change has happened...
but... I still get the feeling ...
that I need SO much more work...
and it's daunting...to say the least...

"...I'm SO confused..."

maybe I try too hard...maybe not hard enough...
maybe I expect too much from myself...
maybe I'm just not meant to be a person ...
that others want to choose to spend time with...

perhaps I need to ask God to give me "peace"...
"grace" ...in my isolation...
be happy that I'm no longer ...
going to be annoying anyone if I'm alone...
and just get used to it...
[great ! ... now I sound not only annoying...but whiney, too...]







or maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself...
I fully believe that the God of 11th hour rescues...
and unbelievable miracles...
CAN...if He chooses to...
make me no longer a "thorn in the side"...
a "pain-in-the-neck...[or lower...]
or just plain annoying...

I've asked Him to...
I don't know if it's working...
revisiting all my failures the last day or so...
hasn't helped my confidence at all...

I know that being convinced...
of my complete worthlessness...
and total inability to be lovable...
for years past the time I spent at home...
has taken a horrific toll on my self-esteem...

what do I mean by "annoying" ?
I can be, "loquacious"...[talk too much...]
but not because I want to be the center of attention...
I just have a lot I want to share...
but that's an excuse...
and I don't do that anymore...

I'm often uncomfortable around a lot of people...
having NO clue as to how to make "chit-chat"...
so I either "babble"...or "clam up"....

I generally say what I think...
and mean what I say...
regardless of whom I'm talking to...

I don't "play games"...
polite social or otherwise...
I have never been able to "suffer fools"...
gladly...or any other way...

I often feel very awkward ...
around people I don't know well...
I don't EVER know "the latest..."
and am "clueless" about pop culture...

or maybe... I'm just boring...
and besides all the negative things...
perhaps I have no real positive things to offer...
having few "social graces"...
can make a person quite unattractive to others...

whatever my faults...
for the first time in my life...
I know what it means to feel that Jesus...
IS my best friend...

and perhaps, as I move on through this seemingly
unending series of needed transformations...
I'll get to that place where I WON'T be annoying...
[it can't come soon enough for me...]

I know God has a "plan"...
I also trust Him to implement it...
until then...
I'll try to keep my "self" under control...

I'll need help... but God is good...