...a "leap" of faith...

as 2004, the last Leap Year, began...
I was in my penultimate year of teaching...
I had already retired from the symphony,
so I wasn't doing a lot of playing...

Mom was in her last few months of
"independent living" on the ranch...
as she would fall, beginning the downward spiral,
in July...turning both of our lives upside down...

I was battling the school district, trying to find
a librarian job, and being blocked at every turn...
I was exhausted... physically, mentally,
emotionally and spiritually...and, as I realize now...
sinking ever deeper into depression...

I was very unhealthy...
got NO exercise and ate junk food...
I spent any time not working, alone...
generally flopped in front of the TV...

except for Mom...I talked to no one...
went no where...except shopping...
even at church, I wasn't happy ...
often forcing myself to sing
in spite of how I was feeling...

I considered myself a Christian...
but inside...I had withered...
I knew God loved me...
but I loathed myself so much,
I just blocked Him out...
I didn't care...why should He ?

my house was a disaster area...
but I didn't have the strength to change it...
that summer, after school was out,
I would attempt to start a kitchen redo,
being stalled by Mom's accident...

left for months with no sink that worked...
no stove...a refrigerator that either let food rot, or froze it soild...
a filthy floor, counter tops of old nasty laminate...
decrepit cupboards...no storage and a light that didn't work...

since before Mom's accident, I had moved everything
from the nook/kitchen/utility porch into the DR and office...
so the new sink/plumbing could be done...
everything got more and more piled up in the DR...

soon, there was a new stove, as well as the new cabinets,
microwave/exhaust fan and numerous other elements
of the new kitchen...[tile, paint, light fixtures...]
stacked everywhere in the DR/LR...

I wouldn't finish the kitchen until late January 2005...
then I had a stove fire [cat induced...]
and lost my new stove for a couple of months...

my last year of teaching was awful...
I was sick a lot...my students were obnoxious...
and the administrator would eventually chase
55 of 75 staff members away before they "promoted" him...

just before I retired,[June 2005], Mom moved
into her assisted living apartment...
this meant that the ranch and 98 years
of accumulated family "stuff", was sorted and parceled out...
boxes of it ended up in my already cluttered DR/LR...

I also realized that all of my furniture needed replacement...
so, during the first year of my retirement,
I replaced my 'fridge, bed, sofa, chairs, both TV's,
easy chairs, media cabinet, media storage, coffee tables, end tables,
ALL rugs, drapes, light fixtures, lamps...
and had a complete tear-off new roof installation...
this also required EXTENSIVE tree trimming...

then... last winter, as Mom was dying...
my furnace just quit...
this brought about a complete tear-out,
[with Has-Mat asbestos removal...]
of the old ducting...and installation of the new ducting,
for the central heat and air...

a whole new electrical service box was required...
as was bringing up to "code"
the service TO the house ...
and OUT to the garage...[more tree trimming...]

and to fix the waterfall over my front door...
every time it rained...
a new gutter ...
and subsequently...a new awning...canvas and frame...
all this strung out over months ...

I was frustrated... depressed... exhausted...
and had pretty much given up...

as I set up my "final arrangements"...
[cremation & niche purchase...
as well as making arrangements
for any cats who might survive me]
I found myself sinking into a place
that I had no chance of climbing out of on my own...

I was so unhappy... so lonely...
so sure that my life was past all redemption...
so much that had been enjoyable
had ceased to have any meaning...
or was just gone...

that's when God sent a couple of tender-hearted souls
to pull me out of that hole...
I won't spend time here recounting all this recent history,
but suffice it to say that the last 3 to 4 months of my life
have been an incredible roller coaster ride...

so as I look back on where I was in 2004...
it's almost unbelievable how far I've come from then...
but having said that, it's the last 6 weeks or so
that have been even more
of a "growing" experience...

I have learned, very recently, that my worst problems
are those I cause myself when I get in His way...
I fear losing control...I panic and mess up everything...
I get that knot of fear in my stomach...and go with it...

a couple of days ago, this happened and as I fought the panic,
a thought came to me..." fear is not of God...it's the enemy..."
so I asked God to take it and leave me calm if it wasn't His will...
AND THE FEAR LEFT ! ...leaving me calm...

I've been "tested" in this way several times since...
done the same thing...and the fear has vanished...
leaving me with peace and calm...and a big smile...

in that same vein, I struggle with being truly thankful...
and joyful for pain and aggravation...
so buoyed by the success of the "fear" thing...
I started praising God for my pain...

and as I was doing that, I began to understand
possible reasons for the situations that vexed me...
saw them as "learning opportunities"...pruning and growth...
I began to be led to verses and other devotional readings
that spoke of being pruned in order to bear more and better fruit...

and I knew then... that all my "problems" and "deadly sins"
were just the outgrowth of my failure to trust God completely......
my fear was so great that I built walls...
pushed people who got too close, away...

if you have control issues...
being "known"... is terrifying....
letting someone "in" means that you can be hurt...
so to control that chance, I would block them out...
all because of fear ...of being hurt...and the pain...

I used anger... bitterness...
stubborn pride and guilt...
to fuel my fears...
fear of being loved... being known... losing control...
being hurt... being alone... and failing...

failure to be who and what my parents thought I should be...
of disappointing "people"... society... friends...
of being "not enough"...of being "too much"...
of always being "wrong"..."out-of-step"..."not good enough"...
the list is endless...and so was my self-loathing...

I've always been proud of my ability to figure things out...
it's a form of control...always knowing "why" or "how"... ..
and this played right into the enemy's "fear card"...

if you are only comfortable when you know what's going to happen next...
you can't live by faith...

"faith is the belief of things unseen..."
I have been faith-filled during parts of my life...
when I was applying to go on tour, raised money and then went...
when I had a bout with cancer...
and lost my right thumb, but saved my life...
and when Mom got so sick...

I had a great peace and belief that God
was holding me close...protecting me from harm...
but there were other times, when prayer seemed to go unanswered...
and something that looked so hopeful, such as a job...
turned out to be a dead end...not for me...

in confusion, I closed myself off...
close to bitterness...and withered....

I know now that I was blocking God's love
by not praying for His will...
all those things I thought I wanted...
those were MY will... not His...

as well as being truly thankful for the pain and aggravation...
I must be gladly seeking His will for me...
it's control relinquished... trust given... and faith in His goodness...
it's "being known"...and loved anyway...

ALL THINGS are possible with JOY...
NOTHING good comes with FEAR...

so in this "Leap Year, 2008"...
I am taking a "leap of faith"...
I'm learning to rejoice in my pain...and watching it melt away...
I'm learning to relegate my fears...to the enemy from which they came...

I'm praying, with joy and confidence,
the prayer that never fails...
["...Thy will be done..."]
and I'm trusting Him to love me "home"...
being "known" by someone you can trust is a good thing...

"...the clouds have parted...
the sun is shining through..."
all the way into my soul...
and God willing, back out again...

...Tippy update...

I took Tippy back to the vet yesterday...
after Mondays' progress...
Tuesday was a slide backwards...

her eyes were almost cleared up...
the abscess in her sinus has drained
and all the swelling was gone...
but the rattle and wheezing were worse...

she was very dehydrated and wasn't eating
but was still strong enough to battle
against medication and treatment...

so it was time to get her on an IV
before things fell apart...

as it turned out... I was right...
my vet saw the same encouraging signs I did
and when I asked about the IV, he smiled
and pointed at the place on her chart
where he had just written,"recommend IV"...

besides flushing her system...
in the IV, they can give her laysic...
to flush fluid from her lungs,
as well as nourishment and the meds she still needs...

all in a much easier form for her to deal with...
and no more nasty taste...
they are putting a heating pad in her cage,
wrapped in a towel...she'll love that !

as the infection/abscess in her sinus heals,
she will regain her appetite...
and things will be back to normal...

since the blood tests revealed NO diabetes...
we don't have to deal with that...
and the flushing of her system will help her kidneys,
forestalling problems there...

all in all, it bodes a nice warm spring...
sleeping in the garden...in the sun...
and coming in at night to her favorite meal...
what more could an old cat want ?

update:2/28 Tippy is still on IV at the vets
and will probably be there over the week end...
all blood tests are normal,
so she can get nourishment through the IV...

hopefully, she'll heal enough to come home on Monday...
eating on her own...well-hydrated...
and ready to have a warm nap in the garden...

...cat tales...Tippy's Song

it was a foggy, cold, murky morning in late February...
or maybe early March, about 15 years ago...
kids at my middle school had just started to carry
their stuff around in back packs...so they were still "the thing to have..."

on this sleepy morning, about 8 AM,
a student came into my classroom, his backpack stuffed...
since I wasn't supposed to see this kid until later in the day,
I asked him why he was here...

he set his backpack down gently...
reached inside and pulled out
a small grey kitten, about 4 weeks old...
it's eyes barely open,
wiggling and crying hoarsely ...

"I found it", he said solemnly...
"on my way to school...over by the tracks...
it's mother was dead...hit by a car...
and this little thing was crying in the weeds..."

I took the tiny, cold and squirming grey kitten...
it fit inside my cupped hands...
and as I held it under my chin... trying to warm it...
it calmed down somewhat, but still cried softly...

after sending my kind-hearted student on to class,
I tried to drip some water in the kitten's mouth...
being successful enough to quiet it's hoarse crying...
I vetoed my class's idea to get milk from the cafeteria, though...

I knew it was too young...
and would get very sick from cow's milk...
it wasn't weaned yet and would need KMR,
from a nursing bottle for a couple of weeks...

after my class left...during my "prep" period,
I took the kitten over to my vets'...
they would keep her warm, feed her
and make sure she wasn't sick...
I would pick her up after school...

but when I returned later to pick her up...
things hadn't quite gone as planned...
they had re-hydrated her with
a warm subcutaneous saline injection
and wrapped her in a warm blanket...

then things went crazy...
they had one emergency after another...
all day...postponing feeding the kitten,
because of life-saving measures needed by others...

so she was awake and screaming when I got there...
I carried her wrapped in a towel, held under my chin...
and when I got home, she had quieted a bit...
but when I went in the house with her, things changed...

I set her down for the "others" to sniff...
since they never had ever been mean to kittens...
I wasn't worried as I proceeded to feed the big cats...
I opened a can and spooned it onto their dish...

before they could move, the kitten got a whiff...
threw herself on top of the food and began to lick/gobble...
all the while, growling and slurping...
the older cats just sat and watched with amazement...

when she finally had a tummy the size of a golf ball
and was covered with nasty, wet cat food crumbs...
she waddled away..sated....
and plopped down, burping...

I picked her up and gave her what would become routine...
until she was several weeks older...
a gentle, warm bath and towel dry...
which was followed by a long nap...

her short silver/gray fur has mottles
of creamy orange,
culminating in an orange-y cap
on the tip of her tail...
so I named her "Tippy"...

having come from feral stock...
she has never been a lap cat...
although, in recent years, she would lay
next to my on my bed and loved being petted...
she's happiest sleeping in the sun
in my backyard garden...

old age has been catching up to her...
she's become incontinent ...
and I have to use
puppy training pads in her bed...
changing them several times a day...

on Thursday, I took her to the vet...
she's had lesions in her mouth...
her eye was infected and runny...
and her claws were too long...
[they can get embedded in her paw,
so I have to keep an eye on her...]

she came home Saturday...
wheezing, weak and not interested in food or water...
she had one antibiotic for the eye infection...
plus an ointment...
and a different one [that they HATE the taste of...]
for the new lesion in her mouth...

she refused food and water...
late Saturday, at medicine time, I tried again...
no luck...her chest rattle was bad and she was weak...
so I got an eye dropper and gave her
about 10 dropperfuls of water...

the water loosened the flem and she coughed up stuff,
allowing her to breathe easier...
but still, no food or water on her own...

it hurt me to listen to her struggle for air...
so when it was medicine time again...
she got more droppers of water too...
again, it loosened her flem and she coughed...

so I put her on the dresser, next to the water bowl...
nothing....
offered food....no interest...
so leaving her with her chin resting weakly on the water bowl...
I prayed and asked Jesus to help my good old kitty feel better...

trusting Him, I continued reading my book...
after a time, I heard a noise [other than her labored breathing...]
she was drinking on her own !
I left her there for about 10 minutes...
and she drank several more times...

but no food would she eat...
I tried spoon feeding...hand-feeding [messy and painful...]
she'd spit it out, cough some more, drink more, wheeze a bit...
then she broke for her nest across the room...
making it without any mishaps...
[sometimes, she falls...I've found her in the waste basket...]

she slept all night, with only purr-like wheezing...
that faded to nothing by morning...
I awoke around 7:20 to find her in the waste basket...
she had left her nest to find water/food and "slipped"...

I opened the window to "release" Piglet,
who was calling me names...
then I gave Tippy her medicine...
she gagged on the nasty one and wheeled around,
zipping out the window and tumbling down the ramp to the ground...

since on warm days, "outside" is her default mode...
this would have been OK...
if she wasn't so sick and it wasn't 43 degrees outside...
so I threw on some clothes and went out to get her...

once I had her back in, I gave her a few droppers of water...
and then moved the water to where she lay, wheezing...
it worked ! ...soon, she was drinking on her own...
then coughing several times...hardly any wheezing now...

I applied the ointment to her eyes...then offered food...
her favorite Fancy Feast... I put a bit on my still sore finger,
and made a jab at her mouth....hitting the mark ...
she sort of chewed, drank some water...and sat there...

so again, I prayed...and waited upon the Lord...
I had decided that if she wasn't eating this morning,
drinking on her own, coughing up the junk
and moving around better...
she'd have to go back to the vet...and, perhaps,
the end would have come...

as I sat, reading the Morning Office, I heard a noise...
I looked up and she was eating on her own !
not as lustily as that first time she threw herself on the food,
but taking a few big mouthfuls, on her own...

tears came to my eyes as I thanked God for the progress I saw...
the answer to my prayer
that I wouldn't need to dig another kitty grave...
not just yet, anyway...

I know that her time is short, as it is also for Rob, my 19 year old...
I just want to see her have another warm sunny spring/summer...
lazing in the backyard garden sunshine...
before her final repose in that same garden...
with all those who went before her...

...I need to see a light...

home remodeling can be wearing...
on body, spirit and mind...
after a while, all the chaos...the piles of debris...
"unfinished" projects...dust and paint fumes...
overtake even the most joyful tingle
of seeing newly painted walls...or new furnishings...

the sore muscles and an aching back
combine with a "past middle aged brain"
that is tired of details, measurements, sorting,
and MAKING DECISIONS....
to create "burn-out"...

so close...but yet...so far to go...

my spiritual remodeling is in a similar place....
all the chaos of having my former ways of life
brought to my constant attention...and subsequent scrutiny...
resulting in pain and remorse...
has worn me out...

even though I have recognized the problems, grieved,
repented, been forgiven by God,
have forgiven myself and tried to move on...
the level of fatigue is crushing...
because, the parade of my shortcomings never seems to end...

I am experiencing God's peace and love....
my relationship with Him is the closest it has ever been...
but He isn't finished with me yet...
as John Donne, speaking of recognizing sin, said,
"...when t'is done, You have not done...
for I, have more..."

my latest revelations are my "control issues"...
that's a "pc" way of saying I manipulate people...
wonderful survival skill for a jr. high teacher...
not so much for a human being...

I've been called "on the carpet" about this before...
years ago...in another life, it seems...
since I wasn't doing it on purpose...
my mindset was that I was not manipulative...

I've recently come to understand that if someone you care about
feels that you have maneuvered them into a position,
you probably have...on purpose or not...
the resulting loss of trust is the same...

it's hard for me to realize
how such a self-centered person as I am,
[ALL musicians are self-centered...
they really have to be to do their art...
some are just nicer people than others...]
could be so self-involved...
and self-deceiving at the same time...

so here I sit... in a state of de/re-construction...
surrounded by the past mistakes...and piles of junk...
clinging to trust and faith...but tired and sore...
there's still so much clutter to haul away...

there is a line in "Jesus Christ, Superstar",
that has always really resonated with me...
Jesus is praying in the Garden...He says,
"then, I was inspired... now, I'm sad and tired..."

the peace of Christ is at my center...
and His joy also...
but my mind and spirit are sad and tired...
fighting grief and depression by clinging to Him...

tired of the myriad of things that still need attention...
sad because of all the pain and aggravation
that my "difficult to deal with" self
has caused so many I've cared about through the years...

I know that Jesus has forgiven me....
my struggle is to continue to forgive myself...
because, there always seems to be "more" to forgive...
I know that He will give me what I need
to work through this...
perhaps a lobotomy ... or amnesia...
or a nicer personality...

I'm holding on to Him as tightly as I can....
I do believe things will work out for good...
my faith is strong...I love Jesus...
I bear all things, believe all things
and hope all things...
because of Him...
I'm just really tired of "me" at this point...

...2nd star to the right...

I've been revisiting "Mitford"...
it's probably been 4 years
since my last, and first, visit...
and it is better than I remember...

perhaps, it is because I am different now...
since I'm not the same person now
that I was 3 months ago...
I've really changed in 4 years...

4 years ago, I hadn't retired yet...
I was angry, bitter, disappointed and exhausted...
my mom was packing up the ranch and NOT happy...
my students and administrators were driving me crazy...
I was at my wit's end....

then I discovered the "Mitford" series by Jan Karon...
it was a hide-away in the midst of strife...
being "there" often sent tears running down my cheeks...
but lifted and filled my heart with the goodness of God...
even in a fictional place, with made-up people...

I finished the books I had ...
and waited for the last one to be published...
but, somehow, I got bogged down in the "last" book...
I don't think I wanted it to end, so I just never finished it...

as I have been undergoing an amazing transformation
during the last 3 months or so...
many of my former pastimes
have faded away...

I find myself listening to more music...
watching much less TV...
although I am watching DVD's more...
my car radio is not on very often...

and I have been reading again...
this can be problematical...
since I have a "floater", obstructing my vision, in my right eye...
and am pretty much "blind" in my left...

I suppose that I'm learning patience...
waiting for the floater to "clear"...
and my eyes to focus...
it does give me a chance to ponder what I've read...

I've always been a fast reader...
skimming along...
getting the general idea...
but missing some details....

re-reading Mitford, much more reflectively...
has been a real blessing...
so much of it is speaking to me...
in a very personal way...
that it didn't 4 years ago....

as I continue to seek God's will in my life...
joyfully...no matter what...
it helps to feel the connection to others,
who also believe...
even if they are fictional...

...from heart ...to heart...

I received a valentine yesterday...
not one of those culturally contrived things...
that have taken the idea of expressing affection
WAY beyond the basic idea...
into the realm of commerce...
no... this was a real one...from God...

I've been battling myself for about 2 months now...
dealing with my "problems"...
trying to give all my thoughts and actions
into His control...

I have "good" days...when my trust is firm...
filled with peace, joy and purpose....
and "not so good" days...when the enemy
uses any possible opening to hit my "fear" button...

the fact that in all this personal turmoil, I have managed
to hurt a dear friend and damage a relationship,
causing great pain for another dear friend,
has given the enemy a lot of fuel for his sulphurous fires...
the smoke from which cloud my judgement...
and distract me from my path...

I must believe that all of this aggravation
happened for a reason...that God can use this broken mess....
to further His plan for me...to teach me...
and that I feel this pain and remorse so strongly at times...
because I am "growing"...changing...and that's good...
I just wish that there was a lot less "colateral damage" to those I love...

I was having a very hard time yesterday...
fear kept intruding on my attempts to surrender to His peace...
I found myself revisiting my sins...and the pain I've caused...
so following some always good advice...I prayed...

and as I prayed...suddenly, God spoke to me...
very clearly..."fill your heart with love"...
I sat up, opened my eyes and said, "what?"...
and it came again..."fill your heart with love..."
and then continued, "a heart filled with My love
has no room for fear, or doubt, or guilt, or grief,
or anything...but Me...and My love for each of you..."

my soul was flooded with an unspeakable joy...
I wept...tears of ecstacy streaming down my cheeks...
sobs of pure happiness wracking my body...
all traces of fear, doubt, grief and guilt...gone...
and in it's place...absolute joy...
"the sun broke through the clouds..."

so on this "day of love", I thought
that I would share this very personal
"valentine" with whomever may read this...

may Almighty God, in Jesus Christ, fill your
heart, life, mind and soul so full of His love,
that there will be NO room...
for any other thought than the fullness of His love for you...

...and now for something completely different...part deux

I have always had an "interesting" relationship
with all things "English"....
C.S. Lewis, John Donne, Shakespeare,
Rex Harrison, Richard Burton...
I always enjoyed their work....
Monty Python...not as much...
Benny Hill...not at all...

I've also always been one who is described as "serious"...
if I have an "inner child"...
it has been neither "seen or heard"...
I "laid down the gauntlet" early on...
by informing most of my peers
that I thought that what they were saying, thinking or doing...
"was stupid"...

as subtle as I can, at times, be... that wasn't...
nor did it win me any friends at all...
now, with the point of view of age...
I can see that my need to control things and express myself,
both intellectually and emotionally,
[a problem I'm still plagued by...]
fed my lack of ability to "let go"..."to play"....

I remember running and jumping for the sheer joy of it...
but not often... and not as I got older,
and heard what people thought of me...
by then, I had turned inward, away from the pain...

I've been told more than once by friends...
that one of the things they liked about me was
that I said what I thought....
of course, people also like NASCAR and reality shows...

my "on, again... off, again" appreciation of things British...
has been tweaked recently in a couple of ways...
first, the BBC comedy series, "The Vicker of Dibley"...
and secondly, 2 books by English author, Karen Armstrong...

"The Vicker of Dibley" is that rare British comedy...
it is laugh out loud funny, without going "over-the-top"...
the characters are cartoonish...
but still sympathetic and believable...[at least in Dibley...]

although occasionally "a bit too broad" for my taste...
most of the writing is truly funny...
not so "British" that we "Yanks" can't get it...
and there are belly laughs for all...

as with all great ensemble casts...
and this is an excellent one...
you come to care about the characters...
and the writers insert just enough poignancy
to keep us connected with reality...
despite the inherent lunacy that abounds...

in this season of Lent, with the self-examination,
self-improvement and self-denial that abounds...
"the enemy" can have a field day...
a wise person once told me, "laugh at him...he hates that"...
so in that spirit...watch "The Vicker of Dibley"...
the enemy will really hate it...
and you may find your inner child...

and now, for something completely different...
I purchased Armstrong's books after reading about them,
and began reading, "Through the Narrow Gate"...
excited to join her spiritual journey...
but was soon disappointed ...

we have some common threads...
she is only a few years older than I...
is single and expects to be a solitary person...
shares a family name with me, was "serious"as a child
and at the age of 17, entered a convent...
something that I also felt drawn towards...

after 7 [pre Vatican II] years, undiagnosed illness
and severe emotional, mental and spiritual trauma...
she left the convent, having never found God...
only failure, condemnation, failing health and grief...

in her sequel, "The Spiral Staircase",
as she struggled to "climb out of darkness"...
she attempts to have an "academic career"...
tries to teach high school...
is involved [unsuccessfully] with the BBC
and some religious documentaries...
consults psychiatrists for her "problems"
[undiagnosed illness, anorexia]
and tries to come to terms with the "world"...
she had entered the convent to hide from...

she still has no faith...God is dead to her,...
and in her mind, she to Him...
she is finally diagnosed as having epilepsy
and with proper medication...
becomes physically healthy for the first time in years...
also losing the depression and anorexia problems...

she eventually finds her way as an author,
writing her best-selling "A History of God"...
which compares and examines the 3 Abrahamic religions...
Judaism, Christianity and Islam...

the research and writing of not only this work...
but others on Islam and the Crusades,
make her an established moderate voice...
appreciated by Christian Westerners and Muslems alike
in the fearful post 9/11 world...especially in the US...

through all this research and healing,
she finds a belief in God...
not the personal relationship
that she had always sought...
but an understanding of Him...

this was not the spiritual journey
that I expected to find in these books...
I had hoped for "warm & fuzzy"...
I got "cold & clinical"...

I also believe that things
will certainly continue to change for her...
given time and willingness on her part...
I know that God is willing...and knocking...
hopefully, she will find the faith to open the door...

what I DID get from these books,
was a couple of "growth tools"
and an analogy...

first... you MUST be able to
feel pain in order to grow...
if you block out the pain...
refuse to acknowledge it or deal with it...
you will not grow...

and then, must repeat the lesson...
until you allow the pain to have
it's full expression in your soul...
and you have grieved, confessed your sin...
and accept God's forgiveness....

for it is the pain...
and your acceptance of it,
that cleanses your soul...
and opens your eyes and heart
to the life-changing power of God...
only then, will you become changed...

second... loss is liberating...
when the "worst" has happened...
and you have nothing left to lose...
you are free to change everything...

all the old problems can be discarded...
the fears...which are usually connected to potential loss,
cease to have any power or meaning...
a truly fresh start is possible...

we are our own worst enemy...
we know how to "press our buttons"...
and then, there it is...fear...our enemy's best weapon...
because it is our "default "position...

the icy grip in the pit of our stomach...
the stab of pain from a past memory...
a sigh... a tear... a depressed thought...
and always, the whiff of sulphur in the air...

we can only get past this place with God's love...
it is a constant battle...with ourselves...
we trust...then, don't... then try again...
He, is constant... we are annoyingly inconsistent...

Armstrong called her sequel,
"The Spiral Staircase", [My Journey Out of Darkness]...
she continues to seek "the light" she has not yet found..
but remains "hopeful"....

she tried to get off the staircase and join others,
on what seemed, to her,
to be "a broad, noble flight of steps, thronged with people"...
but she kept "falling off"...
so she returned to her twisting, narrow staircase,
and has begun to find a fulfillment
that she had not expected...

I really like her analogy of the climb to God...
as a spiral staircase...
as you go up, step by step...
you must "turn back", in order to go higher...
always turning in, but looking up...

for all of us who struggle with ourselves...
to allow ourselves to become the person
that God wants us to be...
these two very different bits of British culture...
can be very helpful stepping stones
on our Lenten, [and life...] journeys...

a hearty laugh, or several...
can chase the enemy from our presence...
while morphing into the butterfly,
from the caterpillar... a sense of humor is absolutely necessary...

an understanding of the need for facing pain and loss,
in order to grow into who we must be...
is also a necessary thing...
my thanks to our British cousins for these gifts...

...love them anyway...for My sake...

people can really foul-up a lot of simple ideas...
just by being themselves...
God may have made us in His image...
but that doesn't mean that we can assume
that we think as He does...

people are, by nature, flawed...we are sinners all...
and the first time that we forget that...
finding fault with the "walk" of a brother or sister,
we step outside of God's will for us...
right into, what our English friends would call, "a nasty bit..."

we tend to forget that we all have many faults,
because we have so many different ones...
and because we have become very good at hiding them...
from others...as well as from ourselves...
[sometimes, we even try to hide them from God...]
ALL of us have fallen short of God's will for us...

I guess it's always easier...
and certainly a lot more "interesting",
not to mention "pleasant..."
to see the shortcomings of others,
rather than deal with our own...

it's much more "gratifying", on a spiritual basis,
to see yourself as a "defender" of the "way"...
a "part of the solution"...rather than "the problem"...
that's what makes this so insidious....

by taking an attitude of "correction"...
addressing the "speck" in the eye of another...
we not only miss the huge chunk in our own eye,
we create problems for all with our critical spirit...

Jesus did not condemn the Samarian woman,
[who'd had 5 husbands...
and wasn't married to the man she was living with...]
He didn't condone her behavior either ...
but He was concerned with her spiritual awakening...
He knew that as she grew to accept, serve and love God,
her sinful situation would be dealt with by her spiritual growth...

He could see past the "problem"...and love the person...
why can't we do that ?
"love" our friends and neighbors...family members...
brothers and sisters in Christ...
no matter what we personally may think of their actions...

if you are troubled by someone's behavior or situation...
pray for them...not that they be "fixed" or "get right with God"...
but that they be blessed by God...
that the power of His love, with it's blessings of joy and peace,
be showered down on them...filling them so completely,
that they have no other choice
but to want to walk in His will for them...

by reacting this way, there is no condemnation...
no feelings of guilt, recriminations or shame spread about...
only the cleansing, empowering, redemptive love of God...
with it's acceptance, healing and supportive fellowship...

THIS, is our job...to love each other, unconditionally...
as God loves us....
we must let His, be the only voice that speaks in our heart,
or anyone else's...
bringing lives into a conformity with His will...
in His time...in His way...

He knows and loves each of us,
where we are...as we are...no matter what..
because He made us the way we are...
and we are His....

as long as we have turned to Him...
given Him our life, accepted His forgiveness and salvation...
He will guide us in His will...
creating the person He always meant us to be...
He is, and must be, our only judge...

we can't know God's will for another...
and we shouldn't judge them either...
all of that is God's job, not ours...
we are responsible for keeping ourselves right with Him,
seeking His will for us and walking in the path He sets...
that is quite enough to keep most of us very busy...

the grass is always "greener", or in this case, a lot more "weedy",
in our neighbor's lawn, with it's obvious flaws...
it's SO much more exciting to concern ourselves with others,
than to deal with the less-than enthralling prospect of our own "problems"...
also a lot easier to see the "troubled places", when they aren't ours...

we are our "brothers and sisters keepers...
but only in that we should keep them always in our prayers...
not for their "correction"...
but for blessings and growth in His will for them...

to do less, is to fail in our calling to
"love our neighbors as ourselves"...
we are to be servants to all...
bearing all things...
believing all things...
hoping all things...

it is our privilege...
to love our neighbors through prayer...
it is our responsibility...
to keep from leading others into sin...

misplaced "correction" of the "problems" of our neighbors,
can do just that...and is, in itself, "sinful"...
"meaning well" is not enough here ...
we must "do no harm"...
or suffer the consequences...

we must, instead, pray for those
whose behavior offends us...
no matter on which "side"
of the fence, we find ourselves...

love the sinner in us all,
even while we hate the sin...
forgive those that we consider "misguided"...
and pray for them...
to be blessed by the Holy Spirit...

realizing that it is our job
is to be "like" Him,
as "great lovers"...
not judges...

...a magic carpet ride...

yesterday, I laid the DR 5 x 8 rug...
and unrolled the 2 runners, placing one...
and leaving the other loosely rolled and out of the way...

the labels all SAY that they are the same "color"...
and in the daylight, I sort of see it...
but they sure LOOK different in most light...
especially next to each other...
where they will "live" in my house...

the website says, "brick may look like
plum in some kinds of light...
and the way it's brushed can affect it too..."
SWELL... JUST what I need...
to become obsessive about "brushing" my rugs now...

at first, I thought that they were different colors...
but NOT according to the labels on each rug...
so I'll just have to "live" with it...
or invest in a "rug rake"...
[maybe if I harness a cat....]

naturally, the small rug [2 x 3],
for in front of the front door,
is nowhere to be found....

it was supposed to arrive 2/27/07...
but I don't think it ever did...
[I don't remember ever getting it...]

all along, I was somehow under the illusion
that it was wrapped up with one of the runners...
stored in the garage...
[an invoice saying, 1 runner, 1, 2 x 3 rug,
will do that to you...]

so, last night, I ordered another...
[I figure that as an inside "doormat",
I'll need another eventually anyway...
so if I find it...I'll have a use for it...]

yesterday, I also started carting boxes of cleaning supplies, etc., to the garage...
if it stays dry a week or so longer, maybe I can reorganize enough,
to be able to actually store them in the garage...
after all, I did a small bit of moving things just to get TO the rugs,
that had been stored there for the last year...

and if things stay dry, I can work through
that period of, "everything hurts"...
and get the stuff stored away...
but then, I may just give up...and toss it all...

I did the touch-up on the scarred French doors,
as well as touch-up on all the other trim, including the kitchen...
cleaned several paintbrushes that had been left in plastic bags...
discarded one that was left in paint thinner [primer]...
as well as several used stirrers, used roller covers
and used plastic tray and bucket liners...

I scrubbed a lot of furniture....[oiling it too...]
moved furniture...placed furniture...
laid [ aka : manhandled ] HEAVY rugs...
carried in several plants [repotting, etc...]... positioning them...
then, re-positioned them after Sneaky Pie went on a "flight"
around the room, with Thomas in hot pursuit
almost knocking the rubber tree off of the media cabinet...

I sealed the front door threshold...
cleaned the French door windows, inside and out...
[I cleaned the LR windows on Friday...]
of course, years of hard water has left spots on the outside...
making this an almost futile exercise...

today, I am exhausted...
muscles I'd forgotten, are reminding me of their existence,
and my abuse of them the last few days...

I need to do more...
but for now, I think that I'll take a nap...
there's a lot on my plate...
"heavy lifting" work, tax prep, church music selection, sorting...

but as Blogless T [aka BLT] once said to me,
when I was obsessing about getting things done...
"you have the rest of your life to do it..."
[of course, the IRS must be served in a timely fashion...]

but the rest can wait a bit...
while I "rest in the Lord"...
and gain His strength to deal with
everything that He has given me to do...

He will give me rest...
He will renew my strength...
He will give me grace and wisdom...
and He will send any help that I need...

..." J has left the building..."

well, it's about 4:30 PM...Friday, Feb. 8...
and J has left for the last time...
as it's on to his new life in AZ for him...

today, he finished scrubbing the wood floors,
and sealed all that was left...
except the pathway, in and out,
which I will seal after I'm "in" tonight...
finishing the floor was our goal...and we just made it...

and we managed to finish the floor because,
we finally figured out a method...
which involved...
first, a TSP scrub with a brush and 5-in-1 tool,
[to get up the really bad layer of grime, etc...]
a 2nd scrub with 60-grit sanding sponges,
a water spray bottle and "Simple Green"...
[this removed the discolored "old sealer scum" quite well...]
then, a rub-down with Murphy's Oil Soap "Squirt & Mop" and terry towels...
[to re-hydrate the wood, and make the grain come up...]
and finally, copious amounts of Johnson's "No Buff One Step Sealer"....
poured on and smoothed with a lambs wool wax applicator...

moving out for a couple of weeks wasn't an option...
so we had to do the floor, "piecemeal"...
it is golden oak...in hand-laid strips,
in a 12" square parquet pattern...
with dark walnut strips inlaid around the perimeters...

20 years ago, I had the entire floor varithaned [3 coats],
before I moved in...and had maintained it
with yearly cleanings and sealing, until 2000...
so for the last 8 years, it got no positive attention...

turns out that letting it sit under a "protective coat of crud",
wasn't the worst idea I've ever had...because it looks good now...
it was, however, a daunting project...

I am not able to get on hands and knees to scrub...
and I could not afford the massive expense of a total floor re-do...
so we had to get the floor finished, before J left...

as a result of our "floor fetish"...
there are still window frames to prep and paint...
"scars" on the French door windows to touch up...
[sometimes, I hate cats...]
a couple of walls, including the wonderful red one, need a 2nd coat...
and there are more than a few"glitches" to touch-up,
where 2 colors meet...
on the list, but not quite finished...

the front door and it's trim, needs a 2nd coat...
as does the"scarred" French door trim...
the front door threshold has been re-seated, caulked and cleaned...
but not sealed...
the outside French door dry rot patch is complete...
but not yet primed or painted...
the new "security" mailbox is still in the box...

the new dark brown electrical outlets and switches,
with their cool Craftsman plates, are installed...
a few pieces of art are hung...
[to protect them from feline depredation...]

the LR 5 x 8 rug is laid, and large furniture re-placed...
but the DR 5 x 8 rug and furniture waits for the sealer to dry...
as do the 2 runners and the front door 2 x 3 rug...
[ all the same pattern..."Chantilly", in brick and beige,
from Home Decorators Showroom]

I was hoping they would be darker...
like the picture online...but they aren't...
it could just be the "ever changing light" in the rooms...
they are "good" quality, all wool, and are "cat-proof"...

there is a lot left to do here...
and it will be a challenge for me,
now that J has "left the building"....
but I'll keep at it...
I'm so grateful for all of J's help...
as well as that of a couple of others,
who really got me going...

moving in BIG plants, laying the rugs,
hanging the "gallery", moving furniture around...
and then there's the "drapery question"....
[I have curtains...but no hardware...
and then, there's the installing of said hardware once I have it...]

* SIGH *

THEN, there's the "office"...
a disgusting little room...stacked and piled with stuff...
tons of paper, books, music, instruments,
my computer armoire [2 of the doors have fallen off] ...
the "carpet",[ a Berber type, someone glued to the wood floor],
is stiff with grime...

it is where cats eat and drink...
there are kitty boxes and my garbage can...
the dirty walls have grimy wallpaper boarders...with waterfowl...
cobwebs, fly specks and cracked paint abound...
there's a damaged piece of drywall [most of the house is plaster...]
and the ceiling fixture is an UGLY fan/light, with fake wood blades...

everything is coated in a layer of fine dust
from the prep of the hallway trim...
making me itch... and sneeze...
I am both looking forward to cleaning it up...
and dreading the long, arduous project ahead...

but, today, I am encouraged...
3 years ago, about this time, the kitchen remodel was finishing...
then, the long delay, while Mom was sick...
and the first attempt to "de-clutter" in the summer of 2006...

then, cleaning out Mom's room..
and everything was stacked-up again...
but a couple of stalwart souls came along,
and got me moving again last spring and summer...

and they, along with J,
who worked here for several days a week,
for the better part of 4 months...
kept me moving forward...

I'm certainly not done yet...
but there's progress...
I can't yet see the "light at the end of the tunnel"...
but at least I can see the opening of the tunnel...
where it leads into the mountain...
[this time last year, I couldn't even see the mountain...]

so, I thank all those brave souls
that have gone "tunneling" with me...
I appreciate their willingness to be "used by Jesus"...
and I look forward to working with whomever Jesus sends next...

...remember man, you are but dust...

Ash Wednesday...early this year...
it fell here only in 1913, of the last 100...
it means that Easter will be "early" too...
coming on March 23...
almost it's earliest possible date...

but there are still 40 days of Lent,
not to mention the Sundays from now until Easter...
which aren't included in that total...
a period of penitence...
and self-denial...of growth...
culminating in the joyous re-birth of Easter...

leaving the old self behind...
with it's sins... shortcomings...
hopes and dreams...
joys won...and lost...
failures and victories...

Jesus, tempted in the wilderness,
was able to stay true to God...
and His calling...
me...not so much...

so now I enter Lent...
on my knees...
an ashen cross on my forehead...
but covered with the ashes
of all that I have destroyed
in my self-centered frenzies...

knowing that I must relinquish all...
everything I cherish...
to Him...
who gave everything for me...
and, I can do that...

He opened not His mouth...
He raised not His hand...
He did not strike His oppressors...
He forgave His executioners...

if I die to myself...
I can live in Him...
but only then will His will
be done in my life...

there is no last minute rescue God cannot accomplish...
there is no miracle too big for Him...
there is no cry so faint,
that He hasn't heard it before it's uttered...
no heart so broken that He cannot mend it...
better than ever it was...
no sin He won't forgive...

everything happens for a "reason"...
even grief and turmoil are in His plan...
and are used by Him, for our good...
we must trust Him...and have faith...
even through our tears...
"joy cometh in the morning..."

I seek a Holy Lent...
I seek to lose myself, to find myself...
I seek my Lord and God...
I seek His will, perfected in me...
I seek to be the person that
He has always planned for me to be...

"seek and you shall find...
ask and it shall be given you...
knock, and the door will be opened to you..."
[Alleluia, Amen]

...footprints

it amazes me, just how much peace and calm
you find, once the worst happens...
I guess that a few comments from 2 books
I've just finished reading, are right...

firstly... that you can not enter a period
of enlightenment and growth,
unless you can truly feel the pain
that growth will bring....
[when I hid from pain,
I was apart from God and couldn't grow...]
secondly... loss is liberating...
with nothing left to lose,
you must move on...

when the fear and dread of impending loss,
have come and gone...
and you think
that you are left standing alone...
on a flat, icy wasteland...
void of shelter...
being pelted with frozen pellets of sleet
from every direction...

you can look inside...
if you have allowed God into your heart...
He will be there...

or you can look around frantically
for other aid...
that's when I used to dive deeper
into the "hole"...
help wasn't in that "hole" either...
until last November...
when I looked up and saw it smiling down...

because God sent willing hearts
to help me back to Him then...
He was already inside my heart
in this lonely place...
calming my soul, forgiving my sins
and holding me close...
carrying me through the wasteland...
leaving only His footprints...

I now understand that
the journey to be the person that
God has always intended me to be,
is like climbing a spiral staircase...

as you go up, you turn back...
going in circles that ease you up,
one step at a time...
while always turning "back"...
in order to go higher...

a lot better than the
"2 steps forward, 3 steps back" dance
that I've done for most of my life...
I am grateful for the opportunities to grow...
even though it is painful...

the pain shows that I am truly growing...
that these are life changes...
not just another "attempt" to be better...
willing to be totally vulnerable to change...
as frightening as that may be...
and the death of self that must come,
in gladly submitting to His will for me...

Erich Segal said, "all true stories end in death...
...this is a true story..."

this is a true story...
it will end in the death of "my old self"...
but will continue forever...