I've always been a "trying" person...
[and not in a positive way, I'm sorry to say...]
always willing to try...
to loose weight...
to be better with money...
to clean out the clutter...
to control myself more effectively...
to be a better person...
to be a good friend...
to be a good daughter...
to be a good teacher...
a better musician...
less annoying...
the doors have closed on some opportunities...
my parents are gone...
I'm no longer teaching...
I just have to let those go...
and, yet, here I am...
[in my "under construction" state...]
still dealing with many of those things,
at least in part, in areas still "open"...
that I tried to fix...
obviously, my method has been flawed...
and trying hasn't worked....
perhaps, by saying that I was trying,
I gave myself permission to fail rather than the chance to succeed...
after all, "I tried"...it's not like I wanted to be obnoxious...
"It's not my fault"..."It's my unhappy childhood"..."it's genetics"...
"it's the devil"..."I'm a victim"... "no body understands/likes/loves me"...
dishonesty is never attractive...
dishonesty with yourself, dear friends or God, is destructive...
it builds walls, tears down trust and prevents love...
I excused my behavior by "trying" to understand it in worldly terms...
[the world is fraught with excuses...
outcomes don't matter as long as your motive was good...]
my lack of honesty with myself,
in dealing with some severe personality disorders,
created a real problem with my relationship with God...
and with those brave enough to deal with me,
during the throughs of this period of self-enlightenment...
through a series of awesome events,
I have found my way back to God...
and am closer to Him than ever...
I believe that all other things will follow...
in His time, according to His will...
Yoda said, "there is no trying,... only doing or not ..."
oddly enough...
in the midst of the recognition,
of all the failures surrounding me...there is peace...
a peace, in my soul...
as I recognize the problems ,
and give them to Him to deal with...
for the first time in such turmoil,
with it's waves of grief and pain for the damage I've inflicted,
there is a calm center....battered, but calm...
instead of trying to make God the center of my focus,
I have just done it....
and when I focus on Him, the rest fades away...
I still have to live with the results of my failures...
the pain and frustration that my behavior has caused others and myself...
the times I "did not"....
but I don't have to live in my past...
God has forgiven me....
I have forgiven myself...much harder...
so against my "patterning"...but, again, I just "did it"...
so how do I rectify myself with the world ?
how do I move on ?
I've given it to Jesus..." to do...or not..."
and He's given me joy in His will...and peace...
a pattern to follow...
[for those of us who need a map...]
" to do ...or not..."
"...the greatest gift is love...
love is not selfish...love is kind...
love is generous...love is forgiving...
love is patient...
love bears all thing...
love believes all things...
love hopes all things... "
with His Grace, I hope all things...
Monday, January 28, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
...you know that you're a "cat staff person" when...
...you consider cat hair a food group...
...you go to the speciality store, for that certain flavor...
...all your clothing is "snagged"...
...there are "Garfield" books on your coffee table...
...friends always know "what to get you"...
...you always get "cat stuff"...
...the rotisserie chicken is not all for you...
..."eau du chat" is a lingering reminder of "someone special"...
...there are rolls of paper towels just "setting" on places, waiting to be needed...
...you purchase that "special flavor", by the case...
...your toilet paper dispenser has a towel draped protectively over it...
...you never walk around barefoot in your house...
...you have all the "full moons" marked on the calendar...
...every time you move large furniture, 627 cat toys roll out from underneath...
...you have no chairs...[that are free for you to sit on...]
...you adore slipcovers...
...you wish that the "ripped-jeans" look would hit sofas...
...your leather chair/sofa is "distressed"...now, anyway...
...you try to dress to "match" the snuggler...so the cat hair doesn't show so much...
...you have an industrial strength vacuum...
...your house has NO breakable knick-knacks...[in one piece, anyway...]
...your plants have been cat-proofed, or you just give up and plant "kitty salad bar"...
...your "window treatments" are industrial strength, toast or you don't have any...
...you have at least one piece of clothing, with a picture of a cat or a "cat saying"...
...all the animal rescue charities have you on their mailing list...
...you get "thank you" cards from your vet...
...you have the vet, AND the cat-sitter, on speed-dial...
...you have called home and left a "message" for the cat[s]...
...if you travel, you bring back gifts, or even send postcards...to the cat[s]...
...you ALWAYS get a kitty bag, when dining out...
...you always order what your cat likes, when dining out...
...you're considering attending a "cat play group"...
...you plan your evening around the Animal Planet Channel schedule...
...even now, you don't realize that you're just "putty in their paws"...
...and if you did...you wouldn't care...
...you go to the speciality store, for that certain flavor...
...all your clothing is "snagged"...
...there are "Garfield" books on your coffee table...
...friends always know "what to get you"...
...you always get "cat stuff"...
...the rotisserie chicken is not all for you...
..."eau du chat" is a lingering reminder of "someone special"...
...there are rolls of paper towels just "setting" on places, waiting to be needed...
...you purchase that "special flavor", by the case...
...your toilet paper dispenser has a towel draped protectively over it...
...you never walk around barefoot in your house...
...you have all the "full moons" marked on the calendar...
...every time you move large furniture, 627 cat toys roll out from underneath...
...you have no chairs...[that are free for you to sit on...]
...you adore slipcovers...
...you wish that the "ripped-jeans" look would hit sofas...
...your leather chair/sofa is "distressed"...now, anyway...
...you try to dress to "match" the snuggler...so the cat hair doesn't show so much...
...you have an industrial strength vacuum...
...your house has NO breakable knick-knacks...[in one piece, anyway...]
...your plants have been cat-proofed, or you just give up and plant "kitty salad bar"...
...your "window treatments" are industrial strength, toast or you don't have any...
...you have at least one piece of clothing, with a picture of a cat or a "cat saying"...
...all the animal rescue charities have you on their mailing list...
...you get "thank you" cards from your vet...
...you have the vet, AND the cat-sitter, on speed-dial...
...you have called home and left a "message" for the cat[s]...
...if you travel, you bring back gifts, or even send postcards...to the cat[s]...
...you ALWAYS get a kitty bag, when dining out...
...you always order what your cat likes, when dining out...
...you're considering attending a "cat play group"...
...you plan your evening around the Animal Planet Channel schedule...
...even now, you don't realize that you're just "putty in their paws"...
...and if you did...you wouldn't care...
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
...down the rabbit hole, into peace
I NEVER fail to be amazed...
by the awesome love and power of God...
in the last few months, such a plan He had for me...
pulling me through pain and grief...
into a blinding light....
just when I think, "that was cool !",
something even more awesome happens...
I have been dealing with my "old self"...
no self-esteem, "obsessive compulsive", greedy,
prone to panic, needy,"generous to a fault",
and inclined to "over-do things"...just a bit...
turns out that being pulled out of that hole,
was the easy part...
then I started dealing with the "problem"...
which could be defined as my,
"forever unworthy of love" syndrome...
well, I work through that...and the rest of the gang,
[my personal 7 Deadly Sins... aka "the problem" ]
wants THEIR turn...
sort of like a really bad reality show, run by the sulphurous one...
#1 [NO self-esteem] , has always carried the day to the point
that all the others could only "pile-on" maliciously, after the fact...
now, with # 1 out of the way, [or at least, under control...]
the rest were determined to have their day...
so, it was on...
obsessive compulsive, faulty generosity and over-do,
teamed up for the first round...
sending my ability to control myself,
completely out the window...
becoming annoying and obnoxious to several people...
then, panic and needy, driven on by greed [who can be subtle],
launched their attack,
sneaking in from behind...
and making me crazy...
I didn't see it coming...
I was, at this point, too self-involved...
panic and needy were having a field day...
I was frantic...greed snuck in for the coup de gras...
and I was toast...
blindsided by "the big 6"....
driving some friends to distraction,
and others to contemplate "felinecantus-icide"...
so, remembering some wisdom someone had told me...
I prayed....and prayed...and prayed some more...
over the next few difficult days, almost constantly...
and that's when I began to realize
that it was necessary for all these "Deadly Sins"
of mine to come to the surface...and be purged...
so nothing could keep me from being the person
that God intends me to be...
not even "me"....
as I have drawn closer to God,
and felt His protection envelope me,
I have had a peace and a calm fill me...
present even under the pain of dealing
with the results of my Deadly Sins'
rampage on innocent bystanders...
that I've never known before...
I learned, among other things...
that God has to be the absolute foundation of everything I do...
absolutely everything, happens for a reason...
the power of the 2 or 3, gathered in His Name, is awesome...and
the evil one will stop at nothing to short circuit it...
that I have some very patient and loving friends...
gratefully thanking God for everything that happens is key...
joyfully accepting His will for you is so important...
cheerful obedience is liberating
God is SO good...and, He has a sense of humor...
He likes to see me "speechless"...
by the awesome love and power of God...
in the last few months, such a plan He had for me...
pulling me through pain and grief...
into a blinding light....
just when I think, "that was cool !",
something even more awesome happens...
I have been dealing with my "old self"...
no self-esteem, "obsessive compulsive", greedy,
prone to panic, needy,"generous to a fault",
and inclined to "over-do things"...just a bit...
turns out that being pulled out of that hole,
was the easy part...
then I started dealing with the "problem"...
which could be defined as my,
"forever unworthy of love" syndrome...
well, I work through that...and the rest of the gang,
[my personal 7 Deadly Sins... aka "the problem" ]
wants THEIR turn...
sort of like a really bad reality show, run by the sulphurous one...
#1 [NO self-esteem] , has always carried the day to the point
that all the others could only "pile-on" maliciously, after the fact...
now, with # 1 out of the way, [or at least, under control...]
the rest were determined to have their day...
so, it was on...
obsessive compulsive, faulty generosity and over-do,
teamed up for the first round...
sending my ability to control myself,
completely out the window...
becoming annoying and obnoxious to several people...
then, panic and needy, driven on by greed [who can be subtle],
launched their attack,
sneaking in from behind...
and making me crazy...
I didn't see it coming...
I was, at this point, too self-involved...
panic and needy were having a field day...
I was frantic...greed snuck in for the coup de gras...
and I was toast...
blindsided by "the big 6"....
driving some friends to distraction,
and others to contemplate "felinecantus-icide"...
so, remembering some wisdom someone had told me...
I prayed....and prayed...and prayed some more...
over the next few difficult days, almost constantly...
and that's when I began to realize
that it was necessary for all these "Deadly Sins"
of mine to come to the surface...and be purged...
so nothing could keep me from being the person
that God intends me to be...
not even "me"....
as I have drawn closer to God,
and felt His protection envelope me,
I have had a peace and a calm fill me...
present even under the pain of dealing
with the results of my Deadly Sins'
rampage on innocent bystanders...
that I've never known before...
I learned, among other things...
that God has to be the absolute foundation of everything I do...
absolutely everything, happens for a reason...
the power of the 2 or 3, gathered in His Name, is awesome...and
the evil one will stop at nothing to short circuit it...
that I have some very patient and loving friends...
gratefully thanking God for everything that happens is key...
joyfully accepting His will for you is so important...
cheerful obedience is liberating
God is SO good...and, He has a sense of humor...
He likes to see me "speechless"...
Friday, January 18, 2008
...notes from the edge
I walked today in sunlight...
with "shades" & scarf ...
it was so bright...
but I miss the foliage that,if still with us,
is blown into piles awaiting disposal...
rotting on the edges...all brown and mushy...
or, like in my yard, still a few scattered "survivors"...
lurking among the clumps of dallas grass
that dot my mostly dormant [yellowed] lawn...
and blown into the rose beds...
the roses I have yet to prune...
as I walked, I encountered first, a squished persimmon...
it's almost red skin, with black splotches, & pulp
smeared across the sidewalk...
nearer the corner...
a broken-off tree limb with an almost identical fruit,
just hanging by a thread...
victim of the "storm of the decade",
along with all the leaves...
at the corner, a pecan tree, dropping it's bounty,
allowed me to "stretch" a bit,
while picking up about 8 large pecans...
I left the cracked ones for the birds,
who I've seen drop them on a hard surface to crack...
and then feast...
there were also several grapefruit on the ground,
but I left them...
I've tried them before and they are too bitter for me...
as I continue on my walk...
I see a cat I've not seen before...
she looks just like my Mackie....
but with yellow eyes, instead of his green ones...
since I took in Mackie,
and his two littermates off the street,
and this is just "behind" where I live,
they could be related...
she see's me, so I say, "Hi, kitty !"...
and she comes over to me...
I am given further "stretching" opportunities,
as she wants to be petted...
I stroke her back and she rolls over
to show me her tummy,
which I cautiously pet...
this is repeated a number of times...
I stand up, say " 'bye, kitty"...
she "meows"....
and I'm on my way,
while she continues on hers...
I've had these kind of interludes on my walks before...
I'm glad to meet & greet...
and really glad they don't follow me...
so I return to my "under-construction zone"...
...between 2 trips to the church to measure
our baby grand piano for a cover,
[I wasn't focused enough to measure both length AND width the first time...]
I walked... and now have to deal with the full effect
of the oil-based primer that J came by to put
on the front door and trim...
the idea is that it will dry really hard by Tuesday,
when he will return to do the final coat...
the sealed and cleaned hall floor looks good..
but a couple of places need some more TLC...
I'm hoping that this won't be the case with the entire floor,
but, it's possible...
make-overs aren't easy for anyone, or thing...
scraping trim leads to a discovery of dry rot...
climbing out of holes...
walking away from lifelong patterns of thinking and being...
can reveal all kinds of things to be fixed...
a spirit, or heart, once filled with promise and hope,
will wither and become barren if not tended...
and then there's pruning... cutting off the old...
to prepare for that which will not come...
unless the old is gone...
taking the risk to step outside of your "comfort zone",
is scary... confusing and fraught with "traps"...
the secret may lie in making "that new place",
a "comfort zone"...
to embrace your fears...
and watch them melt away...
like the morning frost on the ground...
He will do that for us,
because He will not put more in our path,
than He will give us the ability to face, and deal with...
to quote a saying I'm very fond of...
"if you come to an "impassible cliff"...
you will sprout wings or be taught how to fly..."
all this reminds me of learning to ride my bike...
after the training wheels were off...
I would fall, but gain confidence with each success...
each time we turn to Him, it's easier...
maybe soon...He's all I'll see...
and that will be glorious...
with "shades" & scarf ...
it was so bright...
but I miss the foliage that,if still with us,
is blown into piles awaiting disposal...
rotting on the edges...all brown and mushy...
or, like in my yard, still a few scattered "survivors"...
lurking among the clumps of dallas grass
that dot my mostly dormant [yellowed] lawn...
and blown into the rose beds...
the roses I have yet to prune...
as I walked, I encountered first, a squished persimmon...
it's almost red skin, with black splotches, & pulp
smeared across the sidewalk...
nearer the corner...
a broken-off tree limb with an almost identical fruit,
just hanging by a thread...
victim of the "storm of the decade",
along with all the leaves...
at the corner, a pecan tree, dropping it's bounty,
allowed me to "stretch" a bit,
while picking up about 8 large pecans...
I left the cracked ones for the birds,
who I've seen drop them on a hard surface to crack...
and then feast...
there were also several grapefruit on the ground,
but I left them...
I've tried them before and they are too bitter for me...
as I continue on my walk...
I see a cat I've not seen before...
she looks just like my Mackie....
but with yellow eyes, instead of his green ones...
since I took in Mackie,
and his two littermates off the street,
and this is just "behind" where I live,
they could be related...
she see's me, so I say, "Hi, kitty !"...
and she comes over to me...
I am given further "stretching" opportunities,
as she wants to be petted...
I stroke her back and she rolls over
to show me her tummy,
which I cautiously pet...
this is repeated a number of times...
I stand up, say " 'bye, kitty"...
she "meows"....
and I'm on my way,
while she continues on hers...
I've had these kind of interludes on my walks before...
I'm glad to meet & greet...
and really glad they don't follow me...
so I return to my "under-construction zone"...
...between 2 trips to the church to measure
our baby grand piano for a cover,
[I wasn't focused enough to measure both length AND width the first time...]
I walked... and now have to deal with the full effect
of the oil-based primer that J came by to put
on the front door and trim...
the idea is that it will dry really hard by Tuesday,
when he will return to do the final coat...
the sealed and cleaned hall floor looks good..
but a couple of places need some more TLC...
I'm hoping that this won't be the case with the entire floor,
but, it's possible...
make-overs aren't easy for anyone, or thing...
scraping trim leads to a discovery of dry rot...
climbing out of holes...
walking away from lifelong patterns of thinking and being...
can reveal all kinds of things to be fixed...
a spirit, or heart, once filled with promise and hope,
will wither and become barren if not tended...
and then there's pruning... cutting off the old...
to prepare for that which will not come...
unless the old is gone...
taking the risk to step outside of your "comfort zone",
is scary... confusing and fraught with "traps"...
the secret may lie in making "that new place",
a "comfort zone"...
to embrace your fears...
and watch them melt away...
like the morning frost on the ground...
He will do that for us,
because He will not put more in our path,
than He will give us the ability to face, and deal with...
to quote a saying I'm very fond of...
"if you come to an "impassible cliff"...
you will sprout wings or be taught how to fly..."
all this reminds me of learning to ride my bike...
after the training wheels were off...
I would fall, but gain confidence with each success...
each time we turn to Him, it's easier...
maybe soon...He's all I'll see...
and that will be glorious...
Thursday, January 17, 2008
...bits & "peace"-s
it's been quiet today...
[not a whiff of sulphur...]
I feel very peaceful & contemplative...
after a morning in my past,
digging through piles of music....
and finding...
the Ricordi "Madama Butterfly" p/v score I thought I'd gotten rid of...
my p/v score AND my full score for the Fauré "Requiem"...
a bunch of good vocal/choral music I can put to good use now...
[sometimes, being a "pack rat" has it's advantages...]
a pile of programs...[lots of the past there...]
and, a few things I was actually looking for...
[that doesn't often happen...]
The solo vocal/trumpet arrangement that I did on tour...
[I was sure that was gone for good...]
Telemann's "Musiqué Heroiqué", for my new G trumpet...
Purcell's "The Queen's Doulour", ditto...
Hovanness' "Prayer of St Gregory"[reg. trumpet...]
a proper mouthpiece for my new G trumpet...
[OK, so that wasn't quiet... I "auditioned "several & chose one...
BUT, I actually located where the "contestants"were...]
while I'm "digging" and "auditioning",
J is cleaning the hall floor again,
this time with the M.O.S. for wood floors...
and it's working...
the first cleaning with the
M.O.S. MULTI SURFACE cleaned off the grime...
this 2nd bottle adds much needed oil to the parched floor...
a heavy coat of Json's wood floor no-buff clear coat will seal it...
so after I "encourage" him to put MORE "sealer" on the floor...
the rest of the bottle goes down and now it looks better to me...
so we barricade the 2 doors, [little kitties, don't 'cha know...]
and he goes on with "more prep"....
this time, it's oil-based primer on the baseboards
of the west DR wall...and the front door & it's trim...
[which I'm soon wearing...] sigh...
of course, I have to leave and go to get my hair cut at 1:30...
just about when he needs to go and do some things..
so we decide to meet back here tomorrow,
so he can finish priming the trim...
so, now I've returned...made up my bed [clean red flannels... ]
put the next load from the washer into the dryer...
cleaned up after my "incontinent cat"...
[someone suggested puppy training pads...
which have been a "Godsend"...(hmmmm),
I've been using the disposable ones and they work well...
I have to deal with smelly throwaways,
but she doesn't pee on my bed anymore ! ]
so as I sit here...writing this,
I drawn back to last year, on this day, at this time...
I was spending the last few moments
that I would ever have with my Mom...
she was on morphine...
and couldn't communicate with me,
but I know that she knew I was there...
I kissed her on the forehead...
she was burning with the fever from the infection...
I told her that I loved her...
that I would be back tomorrow....
but that it was OK for her to "go" if she wanted to...
I went to the nurse's station [right outside her door]
and discussed a few things...
noticing that it was 4 PM,
and knowing that I had to get going
on my 150 mile return to Mudville...
I started down the hall...
and then, stopped...
I walked back to Mom's room....
stood in the doorway,
looking into the darkened room...
watched her sleeping...
and said, "goodbye, Mom "...
that was the last glimpse I ever had of her...
it was about 7 PM, I was home...
and the phone rang...
the head nurse told me that
she had just died, very peacefully,
in between the steady stream of visitors,
she had slipped away...
about 6:50 PM...
15 minutes after I had gotten "safe" home...
no matter how old I got,
I always had to call Mom when I got home,
to let her know that I was "safe"...
and she could "relax"...
nothing I could say would suffice...
I had to call, or she'd worry and stew...
I guess she had the last word on that one too...
She always worried about me being alone
after she was gone...
I like to think that she knows
the turns for the better
my life has taken in the last 2 months...
she had an uncanny sense about people,
third grade teacher that she was...
she would always "evaluate" my friends...
and, over time, I found that if she "didn't care for them",
they were not real friends in the long run...
so I think that if she's "looking down"
from her spot in Heaven,
she'd be pleased....
not only with the changes in my life,
but that she'd really like all my friends...
good, authentic folks...
that are there when you need them...
who will go above and beyond for you...
and not mention it...
lot's of people will go out of their way, "to help",
but they make sure you know it...
I have friends that operate in stealth mode,
because that is the most loving way to help a friend...
yep... Mom would like them...
have "a real good feeling" from all of them...
and that would make her so happy...
knowing I was loved... and cared for...
after she's gone...
it does a lot for me too...
because I do love my friends...
for who they are and what they do...
but there's a special thanks from me to them,
because now, Mom isn't worried anymore...
and I'm finally free to move on....
[not a whiff of sulphur...]
I feel very peaceful & contemplative...
after a morning in my past,
digging through piles of music....
and finding...
the Ricordi "Madama Butterfly" p/v score I thought I'd gotten rid of...
my p/v score AND my full score for the Fauré "Requiem"...
a bunch of good vocal/choral music I can put to good use now...
[sometimes, being a "pack rat" has it's advantages...]
a pile of programs...[lots of the past there...]
and, a few things I was actually looking for...
[that doesn't often happen...]
The solo vocal/trumpet arrangement that I did on tour...
[I was sure that was gone for good...]
Telemann's "Musiqué Heroiqué", for my new G trumpet...
Purcell's "The Queen's Doulour", ditto...
Hovanness' "Prayer of St Gregory"[reg. trumpet...]
a proper mouthpiece for my new G trumpet...
[OK, so that wasn't quiet... I "auditioned "several & chose one...
BUT, I actually located where the "contestants"were...]
while I'm "digging" and "auditioning",
J is cleaning the hall floor again,
this time with the M.O.S. for wood floors...
and it's working...
the first cleaning with the
M.O.S. MULTI SURFACE cleaned off the grime...
this 2nd bottle adds much needed oil to the parched floor...
a heavy coat of Json's wood floor no-buff clear coat will seal it...
so after I "encourage" him to put MORE "sealer" on the floor...
the rest of the bottle goes down and now it looks better to me...
so we barricade the 2 doors, [little kitties, don't 'cha know...]
and he goes on with "more prep"....
this time, it's oil-based primer on the baseboards
of the west DR wall...and the front door & it's trim...
[which I'm soon wearing...] sigh...
of course, I have to leave and go to get my hair cut at 1:30...
just about when he needs to go and do some things..
so we decide to meet back here tomorrow,
so he can finish priming the trim...
so, now I've returned...made up my bed [clean red flannels... ]
put the next load from the washer into the dryer...
cleaned up after my "incontinent cat"...
[someone suggested puppy training pads...
which have been a "Godsend"...(hmmmm),
I've been using the disposable ones and they work well...
I have to deal with smelly throwaways,
but she doesn't pee on my bed anymore ! ]
so as I sit here...writing this,
I drawn back to last year, on this day, at this time...
I was spending the last few moments
that I would ever have with my Mom...
she was on morphine...
and couldn't communicate with me,
but I know that she knew I was there...
I kissed her on the forehead...
she was burning with the fever from the infection...
I told her that I loved her...
that I would be back tomorrow....
but that it was OK for her to "go" if she wanted to...
I went to the nurse's station [right outside her door]
and discussed a few things...
noticing that it was 4 PM,
and knowing that I had to get going
on my 150 mile return to Mudville...
I started down the hall...
and then, stopped...
I walked back to Mom's room....
stood in the doorway,
looking into the darkened room...
watched her sleeping...
and said, "goodbye, Mom "...
that was the last glimpse I ever had of her...
it was about 7 PM, I was home...
and the phone rang...
the head nurse told me that
she had just died, very peacefully,
in between the steady stream of visitors,
she had slipped away...
about 6:50 PM...
15 minutes after I had gotten "safe" home...
no matter how old I got,
I always had to call Mom when I got home,
to let her know that I was "safe"...
and she could "relax"...
nothing I could say would suffice...
I had to call, or she'd worry and stew...
I guess she had the last word on that one too...
She always worried about me being alone
after she was gone...
I like to think that she knows
the turns for the better
my life has taken in the last 2 months...
she had an uncanny sense about people,
third grade teacher that she was...
she would always "evaluate" my friends...
and, over time, I found that if she "didn't care for them",
they were not real friends in the long run...
so I think that if she's "looking down"
from her spot in Heaven,
she'd be pleased....
not only with the changes in my life,
but that she'd really like all my friends...
good, authentic folks...
that are there when you need them...
who will go above and beyond for you...
and not mention it...
lot's of people will go out of their way, "to help",
but they make sure you know it...
I have friends that operate in stealth mode,
because that is the most loving way to help a friend...
yep... Mom would like them...
have "a real good feeling" from all of them...
and that would make her so happy...
knowing I was loved... and cared for...
after she's gone...
it does a lot for me too...
because I do love my friends...
for who they are and what they do...
but there's a special thanks from me to them,
because now, Mom isn't worried anymore...
and I'm finally free to move on....
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
...update from "the front"...
I have had a productive day today...
I have just returned from a "twice as long walk"...
it was suggested to me that, perhaps,
doing that, or walking twice a day,
would be a good way to get more exercise...
provided my sore lower back/sciatic nerve "cooled" down...
so, this morning, when I got up, and there were only a couple of twinges...
not the usual,"where's my Excedrin" kind of pain
that I've been dealing with for a couple of weeks now...
I thought....wow....this is a lot better !
but it can be sneaky...coming later in the day...making walking painful...
so I waited for it to strike, to grab me...
but NOT today...hmmm...I wonder HOW she arranged that...?
so I had chores to do, since trash day is tomorrow,
there were kitty boxes to clean... and dispose of...
trash to dump, dishes to wash...
[meat loaf pans are much easier to clean the next day...
even baked on ketchup comes off...]
returned pots and pans to put away...
[I haven't seen the blue pot so clean in years...
I'll have to find out how my friends got it so clean...]
J and I experimented, and discovered which breaker switch
in my new breaker box was for the DR/LR and threw it,
so he could swap out the old switches and plugs
for the new dark brown ones that match the new A & C plates...
without being electrocuted...turning off my Internet in the process...
[computer working, Internet not...very weird...]
took me a while to figure it out...and, of course, I got "upset"...
no steam out of the ears, but I was frustrated...
and I think that's when he saw an opening,
and that rotten devil started in on me...
first line of attack, frustration...
a good indication that I am becoming frustrated is when
I tell the computer,
or an other inanimate object, "I hate you ! "...
so expressive....
but adds to the level of sulphur in the air...
and that's NOT aromatherapy...
BTW....I just erased the sulphur in the air phrase,
3 times, trying to put in italics...
hmmmm....
[he will keep trying, won't he...]
onward, and as it soon became, sideways, then downward...
[ I'm putting a lot in italics now just for "him"... the king of spite & malice...
[and yes, I DO have a Cheshire Cat smile AND am "batting" my eyes...
hee,hee... good thing I have friends in high places...]
anyway, onward..and sideways...
so I wander into the DR/LR "debris field" to assist J,
who's done with the fixture replacement and on to installing the new plates,
which are A & C style hammered antique copper[looks bronzy...]
with a 4-square cutout in each corner through which the new paint will peak...
and on the red wall, they look SO COOL !
and really good on the tan walls too...
of course, they will have to come down for more painting...
but we used the old,
"we have to make sure that they fit over the new switches" excuse...
'cause we just wanted to see how good it would look...
then J took out the plug and capped the wires
for the old AC outlet, up above the new stained glass window...
doing it "hot", and paying...
and then patched the hole, so it would "disappear"...
then on to the last of the ceiling patching in the LR...
I live in an old house [80 years or so] and it's "settled"...
and it's NoCal, so we have earthquakes...so there are cracks in the plaster...
however, a couple of years ago, the roofers apparently walked on more
than the just the joists...because there are also places where it's clear
that the ceiling has tiny "bulges" that edge down, into my LR...
so those have to be addressed, as well as, MORE PREP !...
about this time XFED arrives, with a smaller box and a humongous box...
the latest delivery from the "old house restorers mania store"...
more drawer knobs...some plain copper outlet plates
for the ones that are too close to the baseboards for the A & C ones...
[they're behind cabinets anyway...]
..AND...
my rocking chair...my Mission style rocking chair with a leather seat...
I've wanted one ever since I first saw them in a catalog...
but they were WAY TOO MUCH money...
so I resisted...that is, until I saw this one...
for half the cost in the restorer's catalog...
true...it is a dark oak,
with a light brown leather seat...
the opposite of my other A & C chair,
but, I like it...
I adore a good rocking chair...
and this one is a big version...
of a chair my grandma had,
when I was a kid...
there was only one small obstacle to my complete rocking chair ecstasy...
it came as a kit...finished...but in pieces...
so what, I thought, I've put much of the other furniture together...
I had a lot of help with the big stuff, but I did the armchair, by myself...
of course, by myself, it's not hard...
with sulphur in your eyes, it's not so easy...
but I am nothing, if not stubborn..
and I like to do things that I still can, myself...
so as J is prepping and cleaning the floor in the hall,
I open the box...
the fact that I looked everywhereand couldn't find the utility knife,
should have tipped me off to the "fun", yet to come...
but "sulphur dude" was in stealth mode,
setting me up, and I just strolled right in...
after getting the box open
with my pocket knife and unpacking the contents,
I had a "bit" of anxiety...
but stubbornness won out and I forged ahead...
organizing the parts and hardware...
assembling my tools...
the first few pieces went together OK...
a bit of a hassle
for one with nine & a half fingers,
but I've been there before...
as I was attempting to bolt the back
to the bottom supports...
I encountered "turbulence"...
the last " T " bolt was just "spinning in the hole...
it wouldn't track into the "T" nut and tighten...
I tried for 5-10 minutes,
informing the "T" bolt that I hated it
and it's entire family and all future generations...
but it still wouldn't tighten...
so I took apart another "T" bolt and tried it...same problem...
now I have "time" invested...
my frustration level is rising...
and J asks if I "want help"...
my terse, monosyllabic, "NO" speaks volumes,
and he wisely withdraws, back into "prepland"...
at this point, I am furious...so I go into another room to cool off...
get lead astray by a stealthy devil and send a friend a goofy e-mail...
she is smart enough to hear the "false ring", and dismisses it out of hand...
so now, I am not only furious with the "chair gremlins",
I'm furious at myself for being "stupid" and "annoying" to my friends...
of course, at this point, a rational person asks for help,
so I start doing what I should have been doing all along...
praying for help...but , I'm still "mad"
and, after one last offer of help,
to which I mutter through clenched teeth,
"I'm going to do this myself, or DIE trying..."
J escapes to the church, and I soldier on...
I am now, becoming somewhat calmer...
and decide to take off the back and examine the hole...
I get a tiny flashlight and look in the, now empty, hole...
there is a chunk of wood blocking the bolt from the nut...
I remove it with tweezers and proceed to re-attach the back,
which now fits together easily...so, I'm feeling better...
at this point, Sneaky Pie jumps up on the stool I have the back leaning on
and proceeds to barf on the chair...
[never gives up, that sulphurous one...]
the sulphur stench almost masks the cat barf smell as I clean it up...
Sneaky goes over by the wall and barfs again...
and then, her mission complete, leaves...
so I alternate putting together chair parts,
making a fingernail really sore after using it too often as a substitute for a screwdriver...
and missing a call on my cell...
a wrong number that left a voicemail...
with a "blocked number" I can't call back...
this has been happening often
and I need to tell this guy,a hypnotist,
that I'm not "Julie"...
and she won't be making the appointment he just made,
because this isn't her phone...
it wasn't a couple of calls ago and STILL isn't...
so now, besides annoying people I know and like,
I've moved on to annoying and inconveniencing total strangers..
more sulphur...
but wafting into my consciousness now...
then, I have a flash of clarity about a situation that has been on my mind
and e-mail my friend...
only to discover the terse reply to the e-mail
she sent me about the "goofy" one...
the sulphur is THICK now...
and remembering some good advice...I pray...
then I re-read the e-mail and "decide", it'll be OK...we're OK
and, "I worry too much"...
[also good advice from my friend...hmmmm... maybe she should
go into the "advice for the sulphur-challenged" business....]
almost instantly, the stench vanishes...
I finish the chair... a couple of hitches, but no problems...
I sit in it carefully... and it fits me perfectly...
like another chair I sat in, for the first time, yesterday...
so, as the darkness thickens, I grab a jacket and my red scarf,
wrapping it twice around my neck against the chill,
and head out, to walk twice as far...
as my lungs fill with the cold air,
blowing out the last bits of sulphur
I stride quickly...
with no pain in my sciatic nerve or lower back...
and I feel the last traces of the frustration,
drain away... and I chuckle...
I may still "worry too much",
blithely miss the warning signs of "early onset sulphur poisoning",
annoy my friends with "goofy" stuff,
tell inanimate objects that they are objects of my scorn,
get mad,
be too stubborn for my own good
and generally "screw-up"...
but I AM a "work in progress"...
I'm still filling-in holes and working on problems...
and God, is SO good...
I have just returned from a "twice as long walk"...
it was suggested to me that, perhaps,
doing that, or walking twice a day,
would be a good way to get more exercise...
provided my sore lower back/sciatic nerve "cooled" down...
so, this morning, when I got up, and there were only a couple of twinges...
not the usual,"where's my Excedrin" kind of pain
that I've been dealing with for a couple of weeks now...
I thought....wow....this is a lot better !
but it can be sneaky...coming later in the day...making walking painful...
so I waited for it to strike, to grab me...
but NOT today...hmmm...I wonder HOW she arranged that...?
so I had chores to do, since trash day is tomorrow,
there were kitty boxes to clean... and dispose of...
trash to dump, dishes to wash...
[meat loaf pans are much easier to clean the next day...
even baked on ketchup comes off...]
returned pots and pans to put away...
[I haven't seen the blue pot so clean in years...
I'll have to find out how my friends got it so clean...]
J and I experimented, and discovered which breaker switch
in my new breaker box was for the DR/LR and threw it,
so he could swap out the old switches and plugs
for the new dark brown ones that match the new A & C plates...
without being electrocuted...turning off my Internet in the process...
[computer working, Internet not...very weird...]
took me a while to figure it out...and, of course, I got "upset"...
no steam out of the ears, but I was frustrated...
and I think that's when he saw an opening,
and that rotten devil started in on me...
first line of attack, frustration...
a good indication that I am becoming frustrated is when
I tell the computer,
or an other inanimate object, "I hate you ! "...
so expressive....
but adds to the level of sulphur in the air...
and that's NOT aromatherapy...
BTW....I just erased the sulphur in the air phrase,
3 times, trying to put in italics...
hmmmm....
[he will keep trying, won't he...]
onward, and as it soon became, sideways, then downward...
[ I'm putting a lot in italics now just for "him"... the king of spite & malice...
[and yes, I DO have a Cheshire Cat smile AND am "batting" my eyes...
hee,hee... good thing I have friends in high places...]
anyway, onward..and sideways...
so I wander into the DR/LR "debris field" to assist J,
who's done with the fixture replacement and on to installing the new plates,
which are A & C style hammered antique copper[looks bronzy...]
with a 4-square cutout in each corner through which the new paint will peak...
and on the red wall, they look SO COOL !
and really good on the tan walls too...
of course, they will have to come down for more painting...
but we used the old,
"we have to make sure that they fit over the new switches" excuse...
'cause we just wanted to see how good it would look...
then J took out the plug and capped the wires
for the old AC outlet, up above the new stained glass window...
doing it "hot", and paying...
and then patched the hole, so it would "disappear"...
then on to the last of the ceiling patching in the LR...
I live in an old house [80 years or so] and it's "settled"...
and it's NoCal, so we have earthquakes...so there are cracks in the plaster...
however, a couple of years ago, the roofers apparently walked on more
than the just the joists...because there are also places where it's clear
that the ceiling has tiny "bulges" that edge down, into my LR...
so those have to be addressed, as well as, MORE PREP !...
about this time XFED arrives, with a smaller box and a humongous box...
the latest delivery from the "old house restorers mania store"...
more drawer knobs...some plain copper outlet plates
for the ones that are too close to the baseboards for the A & C ones...
[they're behind cabinets anyway...]
..AND...
my rocking chair...my Mission style rocking chair with a leather seat...
I've wanted one ever since I first saw them in a catalog...
but they were WAY TOO MUCH money...
so I resisted...that is, until I saw this one...
for half the cost in the restorer's catalog...
true...it is a dark oak,
with a light brown leather seat...
the opposite of my other A & C chair,
but, I like it...
I adore a good rocking chair...
and this one is a big version...
of a chair my grandma had,
when I was a kid...
there was only one small obstacle to my complete rocking chair ecstasy...
it came as a kit...finished...but in pieces...
so what, I thought, I've put much of the other furniture together...
I had a lot of help with the big stuff, but I did the armchair, by myself...
of course, by myself, it's not hard...
with sulphur in your eyes, it's not so easy...
but I am nothing, if not stubborn..
and I like to do things that I still can, myself...
so as J is prepping and cleaning the floor in the hall,
I open the box...
the fact that I looked everywhereand couldn't find the utility knife,
should have tipped me off to the "fun", yet to come...
but "sulphur dude" was in stealth mode,
setting me up, and I just strolled right in...
after getting the box open
with my pocket knife and unpacking the contents,
I had a "bit" of anxiety...
but stubbornness won out and I forged ahead...
organizing the parts and hardware...
assembling my tools...
the first few pieces went together OK...
a bit of a hassle
for one with nine & a half fingers,
but I've been there before...
as I was attempting to bolt the back
to the bottom supports...
I encountered "turbulence"...
the last " T " bolt was just "spinning in the hole...
it wouldn't track into the "T" nut and tighten...
I tried for 5-10 minutes,
informing the "T" bolt that I hated it
and it's entire family and all future generations...
but it still wouldn't tighten...
so I took apart another "T" bolt and tried it...same problem...
now I have "time" invested...
my frustration level is rising...
and J asks if I "want help"...
my terse, monosyllabic, "NO" speaks volumes,
and he wisely withdraws, back into "prepland"...
at this point, I am furious...so I go into another room to cool off...
get lead astray by a stealthy devil and send a friend a goofy e-mail...
she is smart enough to hear the "false ring", and dismisses it out of hand...
so now, I am not only furious with the "chair gremlins",
I'm furious at myself for being "stupid" and "annoying" to my friends...
of course, at this point, a rational person asks for help,
so I start doing what I should have been doing all along...
praying for help...but , I'm still "mad"
and, after one last offer of help,
to which I mutter through clenched teeth,
"I'm going to do this myself, or DIE trying..."
J escapes to the church, and I soldier on...
I am now, becoming somewhat calmer...
and decide to take off the back and examine the hole...
I get a tiny flashlight and look in the, now empty, hole...
there is a chunk of wood blocking the bolt from the nut...
I remove it with tweezers and proceed to re-attach the back,
which now fits together easily...so, I'm feeling better...
at this point, Sneaky Pie jumps up on the stool I have the back leaning on
and proceeds to barf on the chair...
[never gives up, that sulphurous one...]
the sulphur stench almost masks the cat barf smell as I clean it up...
Sneaky goes over by the wall and barfs again...
and then, her mission complete, leaves...
so I alternate putting together chair parts,
making a fingernail really sore after using it too often as a substitute for a screwdriver...
and missing a call on my cell...
a wrong number that left a voicemail...
with a "blocked number" I can't call back...
this has been happening often
and I need to tell this guy,a hypnotist,
that I'm not "Julie"...
and she won't be making the appointment he just made,
because this isn't her phone...
it wasn't a couple of calls ago and STILL isn't...
so now, besides annoying people I know and like,
I've moved on to annoying and inconveniencing total strangers..
more sulphur...
but wafting into my consciousness now...
then, I have a flash of clarity about a situation that has been on my mind
and e-mail my friend...
only to discover the terse reply to the e-mail
she sent me about the "goofy" one...
the sulphur is THICK now...
and remembering some good advice...I pray...
then I re-read the e-mail and "decide", it'll be OK...we're OK
and, "I worry too much"...
[also good advice from my friend...hmmmm... maybe she should
go into the "advice for the sulphur-challenged" business....]
almost instantly, the stench vanishes...
I finish the chair... a couple of hitches, but no problems...
I sit in it carefully... and it fits me perfectly...
like another chair I sat in, for the first time, yesterday...
so, as the darkness thickens, I grab a jacket and my red scarf,
wrapping it twice around my neck against the chill,
and head out, to walk twice as far...
as my lungs fill with the cold air,
blowing out the last bits of sulphur
I stride quickly...
with no pain in my sciatic nerve or lower back...
and I feel the last traces of the frustration,
drain away... and I chuckle...
I may still "worry too much",
blithely miss the warning signs of "early onset sulphur poisoning",
annoy my friends with "goofy" stuff,
tell inanimate objects that they are objects of my scorn,
get mad,
be too stubborn for my own good
and generally "screw-up"...
but I AM a "work in progress"...
I'm still filling-in holes and working on problems...
and God, is SO good...
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
...I'm with "stupid"...
I get a LOT of catalogs...
and I generally thumb through them,
at least once a season anyway...
you just never know when the "perfect" gift
for that "certain someone" may appear...
we seem to be really obsessed with "who" we are...
at least, it appears that way
if you look at the enormous variety of "labels"
we will put on ourselves...
not "meaningful" labels...
but more the,
"what on earth were you thinking" kind...
I recently spent several happy hours
going through online catalogs of "shirt" companies...
you know...the "joke shirt" kind...
I was determined to find
the perfect shirt for my friend,
who is a self-proclaimed, "Queen of the Condiments"...
with ketchup [or, if you wish,] catsup, her absolute favorite...
so many choices...
ones I knew that she would NEVER wear...
and, what fun is that ?
I not only wanted the big laugh the first time she saw it...
I wanted to see it worn...
as a result of this desire...
some "channeling" was necessary...
there were ones with red splotches all over front of the shirt,
that said, "I like ketchup on everything"...
[ too messy, perhaps too suggestive...
considering where the spots were...]
there were simple "ketchup bottles"...
turns out, it's good I avoided those ,
'cause it was the "wrong brand"...
"don't 'cha know ?"...[whew !]
[branding is very important in the "condiment world..."]
I kept coming back to, "got ketchup ?"...
a "classic"...
in white, on a plain, heavy weight black tee-shirt...
humorous, but still, with a modicum of dignity...
it was the right choice...fit my friend, to a " T "
[sorry... too many smart*** sayings in my brain...]
I have also been known to give friends clothing that said :
"yes, I do know all the answers, but I've been sworn to secrecy"
and...
"Don't want to, don't have to, can't make me...I'm retired..."
[all right, so that one was for me...]
and....
"the cat likes me best"
[liked it so much, I gave it twice...to a couple...]
so while sculking about in
"OMG, why would you put that on your chest" land....
I found a few others that I thought I should/could share...
"talk slower, I still have dial-up"
"if I'm talking, you should be taking notes"
""is there a hyphen in obsessive compulsive ?"
"Jesus loves you, but I'm His favorite..."
"lawyers or pistols at dawn, your choice"
"here I am...now what were your other two wishes ?"
"don't act stupid, we have politicians for that..."
"if you can read this, you're smart enough not to touch my computer"
"cute, but psycho..."
"sarcasm, just one more service that I offer..."
"I have no idea what I am doing out of bed"
"what I really need are minions"
"careful, or you'll end up in my novel"
[now if that said "blog", instead of "novel"...]
"my zero tolerance policy includes you..."
"remember, as far as anyone knows, we are a normal family"
"they say I have A.D.D., but they just don't understand..Oh,look, a chicken ! "
"are you confused, or just stupid ?"
"formerly known as "Stud Muffin"
"yes, I do know the answer, but if I tell you, I'll have to kill you"
"don't make me use my 'librarian voice'"
[OK, so only I think that's funny...]
"are you still here ? "
"what part of ARRRRGH don't you understand ? "
"I put ketchup on my ketchup"
[sorry, just slipped out... hee,hee]
"if I pay you, will you go away ?"
"I've stopped listening, but you're still talking"
"Stupid"
[goes with the shirt in the title...]
and I generally thumb through them,
at least once a season anyway...
you just never know when the "perfect" gift
for that "certain someone" may appear...
we seem to be really obsessed with "who" we are...
at least, it appears that way
if you look at the enormous variety of "labels"
we will put on ourselves...
not "meaningful" labels...
but more the,
"what on earth were you thinking" kind...
I recently spent several happy hours
going through online catalogs of "shirt" companies...
you know...the "joke shirt" kind...
I was determined to find
the perfect shirt for my friend,
who is a self-proclaimed, "Queen of the Condiments"...
with ketchup [or, if you wish,] catsup, her absolute favorite...
so many choices...
ones I knew that she would NEVER wear...
and, what fun is that ?
I not only wanted the big laugh the first time she saw it...
I wanted to see it worn...
as a result of this desire...
some "channeling" was necessary...
there were ones with red splotches all over front of the shirt,
that said, "I like ketchup on everything"...
[ too messy, perhaps too suggestive...
considering where the spots were...]
there were simple "ketchup bottles"...
turns out, it's good I avoided those ,
'cause it was the "wrong brand"...
"don't 'cha know ?"...[whew !]
[branding is very important in the "condiment world..."]
I kept coming back to, "got ketchup ?"...
a "classic"...
in white, on a plain, heavy weight black tee-shirt...
humorous, but still, with a modicum of dignity...
it was the right choice...fit my friend, to a " T "
[sorry... too many smart*** sayings in my brain...]
I have also been known to give friends clothing that said :
"yes, I do know all the answers, but I've been sworn to secrecy"
and...
"Don't want to, don't have to, can't make me...I'm retired..."
[all right, so that one was for me...]
and....
"the cat likes me best"
[liked it so much, I gave it twice...to a couple...]
so while sculking about in
"OMG, why would you put that on your chest" land....
I found a few others that I thought I should/could share...
"talk slower, I still have dial-up"
"if I'm talking, you should be taking notes"
""is there a hyphen in obsessive compulsive ?"
"Jesus loves you, but I'm His favorite..."
"lawyers or pistols at dawn, your choice"
"here I am...now what were your other two wishes ?"
"don't act stupid, we have politicians for that..."
"if you can read this, you're smart enough not to touch my computer"
"cute, but psycho..."
"sarcasm, just one more service that I offer..."
"I have no idea what I am doing out of bed"
"what I really need are minions"
"careful, or you'll end up in my novel"
[now if that said "blog", instead of "novel"...]
"my zero tolerance policy includes you..."
"remember, as far as anyone knows, we are a normal family"
"they say I have A.D.D., but they just don't understand..Oh,look, a chicken ! "
"are you confused, or just stupid ?"
"formerly known as "Stud Muffin"
"yes, I do know the answer, but if I tell you, I'll have to kill you"
"don't make me use my 'librarian voice'"
[OK, so only I think that's funny...]
"are you still here ? "
"what part of ARRRRGH don't you understand ? "
"I put ketchup on my ketchup"
[sorry, just slipped out... hee,hee]
"if I pay you, will you go away ?"
"I've stopped listening, but you're still talking"
"Stupid"
[goes with the shirt in the title...]
...cooking... and being fed
I enjoy cooking...I've spent many an hour
watching cooking shows on the Food Network...
and learned a lot while being entertained...
among the things that I've learned is that,
I am a cook...not a baker...
and even my life-long enjoyment of all carbs can't help me here...
it's just that cooks and bakers are different people...
we cooks are those who follow recipes for the basic "method" only...
we find inspiration and ideas everywhere...
a whiff or taste of the current "project" may send us
scurrying to the pantry, the herb garden or the store...
looking for that elusive taste or smell that's "missing"from the pot...
a fortunate addition of fresh grated nutmeg to any cream sauce
or pot containing dark, leafy greens
is an example of "gleaned" knowledge from TV chefs...
the addition of good sherry or brandy to a tomato sauce, soup,
gravy or stew is another...
most recently, the addition of dill weed to my pea soup,
which also contains kielbasa sausage
and a bit of nutmeg to go with the kale...
was the most happy of "hunches"...
producing a buttery, delicious "different flavor from the "usual"...
I am not, however, a baker...
I can soldier on... producing cookies, pies, ect..
they are edible, but not delectable... it's just not my thing...
I have a friend, however, who is very much a baker...
her attention to detail and ability to be precise,
in measurements and following recipes far outstrips mine...
when I've tried to explain how I cook "in the moment"...
I can tell it's "not her way"... she wants detailed instructions
because that's how "bakers" do it...
and her baked goods are wonderful...
cookies, bread... and German pancakes...
she makes really good German pancakes...
I've watched her be precise in her method
and they are wonderful, every time...
I would probably want to "add" something
that would interfere with the exact chemical process
that is baking...
and I would not be as successful as she is...
I have another friend that I also enjoy cooking with...
he is that combination of precision in method
and following the recipe ... as well as being able to
let his taste or nose lead him in new directions...
I enjoy cooking and sharing our creations with both of them...
the preparation is fun and often playful...
but it is the moment of shared fellowship,
when we give thanks for our food and the time to share it,
and the moments of sharing the efforts of our labors,
that are truly special...
there is something so satisfying about making food
that not only fills the stomach, but also feeds the soul...
my new favorite film, Babette's Feast, is about that...
we often think of those who eat as the ones being satisfied...
but, it is also the cooks and the bakers,
who prepare the food with love,
that are nourished as well as those who eat it...
it satisfies and "fills" our Father, as He watches us...
consume the bounty He sets before us...
to enjoy His gifts, carefully crafted for our pleasure and delight...
to share in our appreciation of the love He shows in the crafting...
how can we not, then, partake of His efforts on our behalf...?
to enjoy the rich bounty He spreads daily...
the fellowship of those He sends to share it with us...
and then thank Him, for all His love shown to us...
the feast is ready...
the table is spread...
all is prepared...
where are the guests ?
watching cooking shows on the Food Network...
and learned a lot while being entertained...
among the things that I've learned is that,
I am a cook...not a baker...
and even my life-long enjoyment of all carbs can't help me here...
it's just that cooks and bakers are different people...
we cooks are those who follow recipes for the basic "method" only...
we find inspiration and ideas everywhere...
a whiff or taste of the current "project" may send us
scurrying to the pantry, the herb garden or the store...
looking for that elusive taste or smell that's "missing"from the pot...
a fortunate addition of fresh grated nutmeg to any cream sauce
or pot containing dark, leafy greens
is an example of "gleaned" knowledge from TV chefs...
the addition of good sherry or brandy to a tomato sauce, soup,
gravy or stew is another...
most recently, the addition of dill weed to my pea soup,
which also contains kielbasa sausage
and a bit of nutmeg to go with the kale...
was the most happy of "hunches"...
producing a buttery, delicious "different flavor from the "usual"...
I am not, however, a baker...
I can soldier on... producing cookies, pies, ect..
they are edible, but not delectable... it's just not my thing...
I have a friend, however, who is very much a baker...
her attention to detail and ability to be precise,
in measurements and following recipes far outstrips mine...
when I've tried to explain how I cook "in the moment"...
I can tell it's "not her way"... she wants detailed instructions
because that's how "bakers" do it...
and her baked goods are wonderful...
cookies, bread... and German pancakes...
she makes really good German pancakes...
I've watched her be precise in her method
and they are wonderful, every time...
I would probably want to "add" something
that would interfere with the exact chemical process
that is baking...
and I would not be as successful as she is...
I have another friend that I also enjoy cooking with...
he is that combination of precision in method
and following the recipe ... as well as being able to
let his taste or nose lead him in new directions...
I enjoy cooking and sharing our creations with both of them...
the preparation is fun and often playful...
but it is the moment of shared fellowship,
when we give thanks for our food and the time to share it,
and the moments of sharing the efforts of our labors,
that are truly special...
there is something so satisfying about making food
that not only fills the stomach, but also feeds the soul...
my new favorite film, Babette's Feast, is about that...
we often think of those who eat as the ones being satisfied...
but, it is also the cooks and the bakers,
who prepare the food with love,
that are nourished as well as those who eat it...
it satisfies and "fills" our Father, as He watches us...
consume the bounty He sets before us...
to enjoy His gifts, carefully crafted for our pleasure and delight...
to share in our appreciation of the love He shows in the crafting...
how can we not, then, partake of His efforts on our behalf...?
to enjoy the rich bounty He spreads daily...
the fellowship of those He sends to share it with us...
and then thank Him, for all His love shown to us...
the feast is ready...
the table is spread...
all is prepared...
where are the guests ?
Monday, January 14, 2008
...taking out the trash
Thursday is Trash Day in my neighborhood...
so, even though I spend time cleaning kitty boxes and such,
during the rest of the week, by Wednesday night,
it all has to out on the curb...
sorted and properly contained, if it's "going"...
I've missed a lot of "interior" trash days during my life,
and because of that, I am now up to my eyeballs in "junk"...
all the "mechanisms" I've held on to over the years,
to shield me from the fear of trusting and being hurt,
are now, not only, in my way, but must be dealt with... and soon...
so just like the reformed "anything"...
who can't stand the trappings of the former life
and it's failures...
I'm confronting my former self...
and all it's baggage...and it's not a pretty sight...
massive amounts of uncontrolled self-loathing creates
the need to build walls to keep out everyone...
creating massive amounts of me...
and the difficulties of losing weight...
ironically, being depressed and believing that I deserved to suffer...
and to punish myself by "not eating"...
is a way to lose weight
that is no longer an option for me...
so now that I'm in my "right mind"...
[is that like being "right brained" ? ]
I have to take out the trash from 59 years of O.C.S.L.D.
[obsessive compulsive self loathing disorder]
and there is a lot of it...
I need some of those "extra bag tags"...
or maybe, there's a "Got Junk" for inner clutter...
the pattern has gone like this so far...
I'm going about my day, and, WHAM !...
it hits me in the subconscious mind first...like whiff of something...
as I focus on it and become aware...it's like realizing
that I stepped in something very nasty...
and have now tracked it all over my house, as well as gotten it all over me...
with a sick feeling in both my heart and the pit of my stomach...
I try to clean up my shoes, my clothes and my house...
but the smell and the stain and the nastiness remain,
despite my best efforts... a grim reminder of my former mistakes...
so I go find the Lysol... and eventually,
the disgusting smell is covered by pine...
but I know it's still there... and I, give up...
once again done in, by my own darkness....
BUT WAIT...NOT SO FAST !
that was then, this is now...
so at the point of realizing that I have covered myself, yet again,
with the most unspeakable nastiness, and worse...
got it on some fellow travelers who were blindsided by my problem,
I fall to my knees, not to try and clean it up,
[because I know that I can't...]
but to ask the One, Who Can, to make everything clean again...
to forgive my sins...
and then I must seek forgiveness from those I've wronged...
I've been doing that a lot lately...
asking for forgiveness...
hoping for forgetting as well...
it goes with taking out this kind of trash...
so, even though I spend time cleaning kitty boxes and such,
during the rest of the week, by Wednesday night,
it all has to out on the curb...
sorted and properly contained, if it's "going"...
I've missed a lot of "interior" trash days during my life,
and because of that, I am now up to my eyeballs in "junk"...
all the "mechanisms" I've held on to over the years,
to shield me from the fear of trusting and being hurt,
are now, not only, in my way, but must be dealt with... and soon...
so just like the reformed "anything"...
who can't stand the trappings of the former life
and it's failures...
I'm confronting my former self...
and all it's baggage...and it's not a pretty sight...
massive amounts of uncontrolled self-loathing creates
the need to build walls to keep out everyone...
creating massive amounts of me...
and the difficulties of losing weight...
ironically, being depressed and believing that I deserved to suffer...
and to punish myself by "not eating"...
is a way to lose weight
that is no longer an option for me...
so now that I'm in my "right mind"...
[is that like being "right brained" ? ]
I have to take out the trash from 59 years of O.C.S.L.D.
[obsessive compulsive self loathing disorder]
and there is a lot of it...
I need some of those "extra bag tags"...
or maybe, there's a "Got Junk" for inner clutter...
the pattern has gone like this so far...
I'm going about my day, and, WHAM !...
it hits me in the subconscious mind first...like whiff of something...
as I focus on it and become aware...it's like realizing
that I stepped in something very nasty...
and have now tracked it all over my house, as well as gotten it all over me...
with a sick feeling in both my heart and the pit of my stomach...
I try to clean up my shoes, my clothes and my house...
but the smell and the stain and the nastiness remain,
despite my best efforts... a grim reminder of my former mistakes...
so I go find the Lysol... and eventually,
the disgusting smell is covered by pine...
but I know it's still there... and I, give up...
once again done in, by my own darkness....
BUT WAIT...NOT SO FAST !
that was then, this is now...
so at the point of realizing that I have covered myself, yet again,
with the most unspeakable nastiness, and worse...
got it on some fellow travelers who were blindsided by my problem,
I fall to my knees, not to try and clean it up,
[because I know that I can't...]
but to ask the One, Who Can, to make everything clean again...
to forgive my sins...
and then I must seek forgiveness from those I've wronged...
I've been doing that a lot lately...
asking for forgiveness...
hoping for forgetting as well...
it goes with taking out this kind of trash...
Saturday, January 12, 2008
...the more things stay the same, the more they can change ?
I walked around the block this afternoon, in the warm sunshine...
Unklephil is out raking up the liquid amber tree "debris",
"nothing like a good storm...
to knock everything down at once," he mused...
across the street, carguy and "working-on-it"guy
are attempting to start carguy's latest automotive acquisition,
an older red compact pickup truck...
I have heard some rumblings, but nothing too hopeful...
carguy and "working-on-it"guy were both here,
as was Unklephil, when I moved in 20 years ago this June...
carguy has at least 4 vehicles now,[2 discretely covered with tarps]
but has always had "several"...
"working-on-it" guy has, likewise,
been "working" on his front yard and house
for as long as I can remember...[he's not done...]
and he shares carguy's passion for vehicles,
having at least 2 or 3 himself....
of course, my "unfinished" projects are legion...
the back yard needs "work"...so does the front...
at least the front awning/gutter problem seems solved...
and some progress is being made inside...
the hall "trim" is finally done and the new drawer pulls installed...
one "dead" outlet is gone and patched...another will be soon...
I have the faceplates and outlet covers [antique brass A&C style]
and the dark brown switches and outlets to replace the old white ones...
the front door is finally prepped and awaits the primer...
the French door windows are finished...
and the red wall just needs a final coat...
with it's trim finally finished...
we have mended and partially prepped the west DR wall,
and will be moving into the LR soon...
I need to move "stuff" and there is no place to put it...
I got frustrated the other day and threw out a bunch of "stuff",
but most of it is "stuff" I need to keep...
and there is just no where else to stash it...
here I am, attempting to move ahead into, for me,
unchartered territory in my "inner" life...
into a place where all things are possible...
and here's my past...in my way, holding me back...
now that I'm committed to moving ahead,
I want to move ahead, not deal with the past...
but life's not that way...so I have to deal with my "past"...
because it has become my "present"...
I just have to make it not my "future"...
I have never before been successful [for long, anyway...]
at dealing with those fears and insecurities
that have left me miserable and alone....
I rejected people and love because of my fear...
fear of the pain that comes from rejection or being "left"...
I now have to recognize those fears and embrace them...
to render them "powerless" in my present life...
that was then...this is now...
I will work at being as "authentic" as I can be...
honest...saying what I mean...meaning what I say....
I will try to learn to listen with my heart, not just my ears...
and to continue to be one who is trustworthy...
there's nothing new here...
I've always tried to be like that...
the difference is that now, I believe that I can succeed...
that I don't have to be "worthy"...
I just have to "be"...
Unklephil is out raking up the liquid amber tree "debris",
"nothing like a good storm...
to knock everything down at once," he mused...
across the street, carguy and "working-on-it"guy
are attempting to start carguy's latest automotive acquisition,
an older red compact pickup truck...
I have heard some rumblings, but nothing too hopeful...
carguy and "working-on-it"guy were both here,
as was Unklephil, when I moved in 20 years ago this June...
carguy has at least 4 vehicles now,[2 discretely covered with tarps]
but has always had "several"...
"working-on-it" guy has, likewise,
been "working" on his front yard and house
for as long as I can remember...[he's not done...]
and he shares carguy's passion for vehicles,
having at least 2 or 3 himself....
of course, my "unfinished" projects are legion...
the back yard needs "work"...so does the front...
at least the front awning/gutter problem seems solved...
and some progress is being made inside...
the hall "trim" is finally done and the new drawer pulls installed...
one "dead" outlet is gone and patched...another will be soon...
I have the faceplates and outlet covers [antique brass A&C style]
and the dark brown switches and outlets to replace the old white ones...
the front door is finally prepped and awaits the primer...
the French door windows are finished...
and the red wall just needs a final coat...
with it's trim finally finished...
we have mended and partially prepped the west DR wall,
and will be moving into the LR soon...
I need to move "stuff" and there is no place to put it...
I got frustrated the other day and threw out a bunch of "stuff",
but most of it is "stuff" I need to keep...
and there is just no where else to stash it...
here I am, attempting to move ahead into, for me,
unchartered territory in my "inner" life...
into a place where all things are possible...
and here's my past...in my way, holding me back...
now that I'm committed to moving ahead,
I want to move ahead, not deal with the past...
but life's not that way...so I have to deal with my "past"...
because it has become my "present"...
I just have to make it not my "future"...
I have never before been successful [for long, anyway...]
at dealing with those fears and insecurities
that have left me miserable and alone....
I rejected people and love because of my fear...
fear of the pain that comes from rejection or being "left"...
I now have to recognize those fears and embrace them...
to render them "powerless" in my present life...
that was then...this is now...
I will work at being as "authentic" as I can be...
honest...saying what I mean...meaning what I say....
I will try to learn to listen with my heart, not just my ears...
and to continue to be one who is trustworthy...
there's nothing new here...
I've always tried to be like that...
the difference is that now, I believe that I can succeed...
that I don't have to be "worthy"...
I just have to "be"...
Friday, January 11, 2008
..."you really made Christmas..." [right back at you...]
as I begin to write...I have no plan...
maybe it's better that way....
then I know the source...
Divine inspiration is always better than a "game plan"...
I know what to do now....
and I know how to do it...
of course, I knew both of these things "before"...
so, you're asking, "what's different now ?"
now, I've accepted what has always been there...
the unending love of a Creator,
who has always wanted me,
and all His creations,
to be fulfilled and happy...
it is not easy to change a lifetime of "negative programming"...
but I have "friends with connections"...
whose prayers for me seem to have unbolted a door in my soul...
one I didn't believe was there...
flooding unspeakably bright light into all the dark, moldy corners...
as I write this, I feel things changing...
I can honestly say that I have never felt this way...
ever...
such peace and joy permeate my very being...
that my face must be glowing...
I have been doing battle with this part of myself, always...
I have wept... and pleaded...and always before, just given up...
until now... as dear friends not only urged me on,
closer to the Light, but prayed me there...
the power of the 2 or 3, gathered...in His Love..
beyond myself...beyond the doubt, fear and shame...
into the Light of Love...and unlimited possibilities...
all I had to do was say "yes"... to take, receive the love....
love didn't reject me... I rejected it...
to accept that there are "possibilities"...even for me...
is such a diametric shift for "who I am",
that it is beyond my words...
so why can I accept this love now ?
perhaps grace has enveloped my soul...
bourn on the prayers of my beloved fellow travelers...
to help me to realize
that it is not because I deserve this gift that it is given...
but simply because I am loved...
before, as I quoted C.S. Lewis...
"...always winter, never Christmas..."
I spoke of being pulled from the hole...by two fellow travelers...
then, I was out of the hole, though it was still winter...
but... Aslan was on the move...
today, I can hear the "sleigh bells"...
I have heard the roar of the "not a tame cat", coming closer...
I would like to thank "those involved"
" for making Christmas very special this year..."
oh, look ! it's Santa ! ....
maybe it's better that way....
then I know the source...
Divine inspiration is always better than a "game plan"...
I know what to do now....
and I know how to do it...
of course, I knew both of these things "before"...
so, you're asking, "what's different now ?"
now, I've accepted what has always been there...
the unending love of a Creator,
who has always wanted me,
and all His creations,
to be fulfilled and happy...
it is not easy to change a lifetime of "negative programming"...
but I have "friends with connections"...
whose prayers for me seem to have unbolted a door in my soul...
one I didn't believe was there...
flooding unspeakably bright light into all the dark, moldy corners...
as I write this, I feel things changing...
I can honestly say that I have never felt this way...
ever...
such peace and joy permeate my very being...
that my face must be glowing...
I have been doing battle with this part of myself, always...
I have wept... and pleaded...and always before, just given up...
until now... as dear friends not only urged me on,
closer to the Light, but prayed me there...
the power of the 2 or 3, gathered...in His Love..
beyond myself...beyond the doubt, fear and shame...
into the Light of Love...and unlimited possibilities...
all I had to do was say "yes"... to take, receive the love....
love didn't reject me... I rejected it...
to accept that there are "possibilities"...even for me...
is such a diametric shift for "who I am",
that it is beyond my words...
so why can I accept this love now ?
perhaps grace has enveloped my soul...
bourn on the prayers of my beloved fellow travelers...
to help me to realize
that it is not because I deserve this gift that it is given...
but simply because I am loved...
before, as I quoted C.S. Lewis...
"...always winter, never Christmas..."
I spoke of being pulled from the hole...by two fellow travelers...
then, I was out of the hole, though it was still winter...
but... Aslan was on the move...
today, I can hear the "sleigh bells"...
I have heard the roar of the "not a tame cat", coming closer...
I would like to thank "those involved"
" for making Christmas very special this year..."
oh, look ! it's Santa ! ....
Thursday, January 10, 2008
...tilting at windmills
I've been battling for days now....
the overwhelming clouds of sadness,
missed opportunities and losses...
the frustration and pain of my life,
has come at me like waves of grief...
threatening to drown me in deep,
dark, icy gloom...
much like the skies outside...
it seemed as though all bits of hope were gone...
the tree that glowed in the street lamp so recently,
is now naked and shivering in the dank and cold....
the bright sparkling lights of the season,
taken down, put away or if still up...
no longer gleaming...
this is a different place than the hole
that two fellow travelers helped me out of,
about 6 weeks ago...
and even if they were standing right here...
as much as they would want to help...
this is not their job, it is mine...
and can only be done by me...
I know how to get out of this place, the only question is...
can or will I actually be able to do it...
because, to get out of this place...
I must leave a large part of myself here
and never return...
a very wise and loving friend once said that
"the enemy wants us depressed and sad"...
she also made some comments, with the central idea that
"...things that are in the past,
and that have been forgiven by God, are over...
we don't need to be concerned with them anymore...
they make no difference to anyone now..."
what you know in your heart and mind
and what you can affect in your life,
can be two very different things...
my struggle, for as long as I can remember,
is with my sense of being "not good enough",
not deserving of good things,
destined to be alone or
just plain, "unworthy" of love...
until my two friends helped me out of the hole I'd been in...
a hole of total despair and lack of loving contact...
I was so walled off from the healing warmth of His love,
there was no way that I could deal with the underlying issues...
getting out of the hole allowed me to begin
to stop blocking God's love from my life...
to start releasing the piles of "stuff" and things
that I was using to block the pain of isolation... His love...
and anyone who wanted to be my friend...
so why do I still have a "problem" ?
before, there was the hole of despair...
I dug it because of "the problem"...
that part of me I've always been at heart...
isolated...but craving contact....
the warmth of feeling loved...
to borrow from C.S.Lewis...
"...always winter...never Christmas..."
when Aslan is "on the move"...
we hear sleigh bells...and see Santa...
when God sent my friends to pull me out of the hole,
that was the beginning...it was still winter...
and now after the realization that I have to walk away...
from the self I've known forever...
an awful, grief-stricken, tortured soul that has always been me...
I don't know how to do that...
getting out of the hole made me want more...
I'm fighting that nasty little voice that has always laughed at me
for thinking I was deserving of more...
I want to have all that God wants for me
I just don't know how to be "not me"...
I know that "Aslan is on the move"...
Aslan is a "large cat", and not a "tame one" either...
but, I am the Catsinger....
what do I do next ?
the overwhelming clouds of sadness,
missed opportunities and losses...
the frustration and pain of my life,
has come at me like waves of grief...
threatening to drown me in deep,
dark, icy gloom...
much like the skies outside...
it seemed as though all bits of hope were gone...
the tree that glowed in the street lamp so recently,
is now naked and shivering in the dank and cold....
the bright sparkling lights of the season,
taken down, put away or if still up...
no longer gleaming...
this is a different place than the hole
that two fellow travelers helped me out of,
about 6 weeks ago...
and even if they were standing right here...
as much as they would want to help...
this is not their job, it is mine...
and can only be done by me...
I know how to get out of this place, the only question is...
can or will I actually be able to do it...
because, to get out of this place...
I must leave a large part of myself here
and never return...
a very wise and loving friend once said that
"the enemy wants us depressed and sad"...
she also made some comments, with the central idea that
"...things that are in the past,
and that have been forgiven by God, are over...
we don't need to be concerned with them anymore...
they make no difference to anyone now..."
what you know in your heart and mind
and what you can affect in your life,
can be two very different things...
my struggle, for as long as I can remember,
is with my sense of being "not good enough",
not deserving of good things,
destined to be alone or
just plain, "unworthy" of love...
until my two friends helped me out of the hole I'd been in...
a hole of total despair and lack of loving contact...
I was so walled off from the healing warmth of His love,
there was no way that I could deal with the underlying issues...
getting out of the hole allowed me to begin
to stop blocking God's love from my life...
to start releasing the piles of "stuff" and things
that I was using to block the pain of isolation... His love...
and anyone who wanted to be my friend...
so why do I still have a "problem" ?
before, there was the hole of despair...
I dug it because of "the problem"...
that part of me I've always been at heart...
isolated...but craving contact....
the warmth of feeling loved...
to borrow from C.S.Lewis...
"...always winter...never Christmas..."
when Aslan is "on the move"...
we hear sleigh bells...and see Santa...
when God sent my friends to pull me out of the hole,
that was the beginning...it was still winter...
and now after the realization that I have to walk away...
from the self I've known forever...
an awful, grief-stricken, tortured soul that has always been me...
I don't know how to do that...
getting out of the hole made me want more...
I'm fighting that nasty little voice that has always laughed at me
for thinking I was deserving of more...
I want to have all that God wants for me
I just don't know how to be "not me"...
I know that "Aslan is on the move"...
Aslan is a "large cat", and not a "tame one" either...
but, I am the Catsinger....
what do I do next ?
Friday, January 4, 2008
...wanted : "gopherwood"
in an apparent attempt to live up to a cliché...
[when it rains, it pours...]
it's been really stormy today...
heavy rain, winds gusting to 50 mph...
it affects each of us...but not always in the same way...
smart cats [and people] take one look outside,
and go back to bed...
Piglet, Queen of the North, stands in the open window...
rain lashing at the glass, wind howling...
stay in ? ... or go out ? ....
so, she goes out... and before I can finish tying my shoes,
she is not only "back", but dripping...with muddy wet paws...
walking in my bed, which I hadn't made yet...
and complaining about the weather...
"It's WET !" she moans...
"I don't WANT it to be wet !"
"Make it stop... NOW ! "... she's really mad at this point...
" Fine," I say...so I close the window, and you'd think that I'd just
destroyed all chance for her to have a happy life.....
and now, it's "on", in spades....
" No, No, NO ! ... I must be out, Out, OUT ! ", she screams...
" NOW !"...[this is not a suggestion or even a request...it is an imperative ! ]
so I open the window to "squall world", and out she scampers...
I make my bed, after cleaning off the muddy tracks,
and go into the kitchen to feed the others...
after a few chores, I return to the, now, frigid and damp bedroom,
to find both Piglet & Fluff, curled up, asleep on my bed...
Piglet's fur is dry, so she not only came back in very quickly,
but she has been "in" for quite sometime....
in the meantime, I close the window, shutting out the gale...
hearing the window close, she stirs and protests,
merely as a matter of record, that the window should stay open...
but, is asleep again almost immediately...
maybe I should go "online" and find a source for "gopherwood",
in case an "ark" is called for...
but I already know how it would go, in the "loading" process ....
will she come onboard ? or learn to swim ?
cats... never a dull moment...
[when it rains, it pours...]
it's been really stormy today...
heavy rain, winds gusting to 50 mph...
it affects each of us...but not always in the same way...
smart cats [and people] take one look outside,
and go back to bed...
Piglet, Queen of the North, stands in the open window...
rain lashing at the glass, wind howling...
stay in ? ... or go out ? ....
so, she goes out... and before I can finish tying my shoes,
she is not only "back", but dripping...with muddy wet paws...
walking in my bed, which I hadn't made yet...
and complaining about the weather...
"It's WET !" she moans...
"I don't WANT it to be wet !"
"Make it stop... NOW ! "... she's really mad at this point...
" Fine," I say...so I close the window, and you'd think that I'd just
destroyed all chance for her to have a happy life.....
and now, it's "on", in spades....
" No, No, NO ! ... I must be out, Out, OUT ! ", she screams...
" NOW !"...[this is not a suggestion or even a request...it is an imperative ! ]
so I open the window to "squall world", and out she scampers...
I make my bed, after cleaning off the muddy tracks,
and go into the kitchen to feed the others...
after a few chores, I return to the, now, frigid and damp bedroom,
to find both Piglet & Fluff, curled up, asleep on my bed...
Piglet's fur is dry, so she not only came back in very quickly,
but she has been "in" for quite sometime....
in the meantime, I close the window, shutting out the gale...
hearing the window close, she stirs and protests,
merely as a matter of record, that the window should stay open...
but, is asleep again almost immediately...
maybe I should go "online" and find a source for "gopherwood",
in case an "ark" is called for...
but I already know how it would go, in the "loading" process ....
will she come onboard ? or learn to swim ?
cats... never a dull moment...
musical "meme-ham" [pun intended...]
OK...trying again....
this time, in "honor" of all the
"hours I've spent, with a horn or score in my hand"...
in the "pit ", "on risers" or "on the stage"...
"in costume", basic black or "orchestra black"
the meme you have been waiting for...
hours in the making...no expenses spared...
the meme for thespians & singers & musicians & dancers
& actors & roadies & tech-ies & stage door junkies...
appearing on this very blog...
The "On-Stage" meme....
[all members of AFTA,AGMA,AFM, etc...be kind...]
1] What is your favorite show to "watch".... ?
I've only "seen" them from the pit, in my mind....
better than any could be staged
2] What was your favorite production to be involved with ?
.....so many...
opera : Butterfly...La Boheme...Carmen
musical...Man of La Mancha or Ain't Mis b'havin',
symphonic Mahler 1 & 5, Verdi Requiem, Rutter Gloria..
choral...Rutter Requiem, Brahms Requiem, Mahler 2,3 & 8,
Valentine Requiem, Fauré Requiem, Lessons & Carols
ballet...Nutcracker, Swan Lake
3] Can you say anything positive about the movie versions of stage classics ?
people got "work"...[M of LM, film reeked...]
4] What was the first film you remember seeing ? When ?
Peter Pan, first-run at a drive-in movie with my Dad, 1951
5] Did you see many films growing up ?
no...lived in the country...going in to town for a movie...didn't happen..
6] When did your family get a TV set ?
I was in 2nd grade, so 1955 or 56
7] Do you remember listening to programs[drama, comedy] on the radio ?
yes...The Lone Ranger, Dragnet, Gunsmoke, Jack Benny, Amos & Andy,etc..
8] When did you first "perform" in a public place ? Where ?
1st grade Christmas program for school, sang "Hark, the Herald..."
I was just 6 and unafraid...
9] Did you take music lessons as a child ? On what ?
Mom tried to teach me piano, the fundamentals of music "stuck",
the piano...not so much
trumpet at school from age 9...
had first real trumpet lesson in college...
took voice lessons in college and piano again
[poor Mr. Elliott, suffered long...]
10] Did you enjoy performing for others ?
yes...if I felt secure
and didn't have to "memorize"
then I would fall apart,
and not in a good way...
11] How important was music to you as a child/young adult ?
music was everything,
although I could not have put it in words...
I lived for "band", "choir" and later "orchestra"...
I merely marked time between
honor band/orchestra and music camp...
I was always singing, if only to myself...
12] What kinds of musical groups did you participate in growing up ?
see # 11...anything and everything I could be in...
also in plays in 8th grade and high school drama club...
was always part of the crew for the class plays
and the one musical we did my Sr. year,"Brigadoon"
[I did sets, costumes, sang in the chorus
and played lead trumpet in the pit [my 1st time...]
13] What instruments [including voice ] do you still play now ? Do you enjoy it ?
I sing and play trumpet[ and all it's kith & kin..]
I wouldn't still be doing it, if I didn't love it...
14] What else, musically, would you like to do that you haven't done, or learned to do yet ?
I always have wanted to be in a small group
that does folk music [Simon & Garfunkel, Seekers,PP&M...]
I'll probably never get to though...
15] Have you appeared "onstage" in any productions ? List them & your "role"...
My only "on stage" role
[...but who'll play the trumpet if you...]
was as Chio-Chio San's mother
in the chorus of Pucchini's Madama Butterfly,
Music From Bear Valley, 1982 [?]
16] Do you want to direct ?
been there, done that...sort of still doing that...
in bits & pieces...
17] What work [play, musical, opera, ballet, symphonic work]
have you never been involved with
that you would like to "be involved with" ?
Jesus Christ,Superstar...
[although colleagues tell me it's a killer to play]
18] What does "canticum, ergo sum" mean to you ?
the meaning of life, itself...after my faith...
19] Performing what work [see # 17 ] has been your favorite experience ?
Mahler's 8th, Chicago Symphony Orchestra & Chorus,
Carnegie Hall, NYC,20 min. SO...
WOW !
20] How many "musicals" do you know the lyrics to, by heart ?
probably less than a few years ago...then, at least 12 -15
if I played them, I knew them...
21] Do you know the difference between "The Nutcracker"
and "the Nutcracker Suite" ?
yes... the former is the entire ballet,
the latter, a few of the most popular
musical selections from the ballet
[Greatest Hits, as it were....]
generally played by orchestras, in concert,
without dancers present...
22] In what languages were the following originally written ?
Messiah[Handel] (English)
Requiem [Fauré] (Latin)
Nutcracker[Tschaikowski] (trick question...
only singing is "ooo" & "ahh")
Othello[Verdi] (Italian)
Tosca[Pucchini] (Italian)
Magic Flute[Mozart] (probably German...
because of the origins, but maybe also Italian, too)
West Side Story[Bernstein] (English)
Chichester Psalms[Bernstein] (Hebrew)
Fiddler on the Roof[Sheldon] (English, with some Yiddish..)
Ninth Symphony[Beethoven] (auf Deutch !)
23] True or false : all chorus members in a production
should apply their own make-up, if they are capable
[ie. trained...]
depends whether or not orchestra members
can watch and thus be amused....
or, even better, "make-up" should be videotaped....
so orchestra members don't have to arrive
4 hours before "curtain"...
but can still be amused....
24] What happens in the "wings", should "stay in the wings".... yes or no .....?
absolutely, positively....[ no cell phone cameras, either..]
ditto with "in the pit..." or the "Green Room"
25] Part of the "theater experience" includes :
rehearsal tights with "unfortunate runs",
people who must effect "quick", complete costume changes in the wings,
seeing prop swords, etc. sail past your head into the "pit",
stand lights with 5 watt bulbs, covered with dark blue gels...
director's "notes,w/ changes after the dress...
key changes,[aka transpositions...], necessitated by laryngitis or other cast substitution...
AC on full blast, in January, blowing only into the pit...
actors, who generally wear glasses, falling into the pit,
and landing on a 'cello...
Do you have any to add ?
...that pretty well covers most of it , without a violation of # 24....
26] The worst "scourge" of the artiste, musical or otherwise, is :
a] the accompanist who never follows the conductor in the performances
after sticking like glue in rehearsal....
b] the lead who never gives a cue line the same way twice...
c] the conductor who never gives a cue, at all...
d] the stage manager who thinks that they are a god,
and look for ways to prove it...
e] the un-cut, urtext, original composer's score version of anything,
that takes more than 4 hours to stage...
f] all of the above...
"f", plus some.....[see # 24...]
27] Which have you found "more annoying" ?
a] members of the "large" chorus, with an early call,
have found the orchestra parking, and used it all...
b] members of the "orchestra" are complaining to the world that
"singers" parked in the "musician's" lot....
c] stage hands have been in the Green Room
and ate everything, before the sound check was over...
d] actor/ dancers have stood outside the singer's entrance,
smoking, as the singers were entering...
e] string players and percussionists are having a lavish picnic
during the intermission, driving the wind players crazy...
f] the trombone player who sits in the far corner of the pit,
and is always the last person to get to his place, "in the pit"...
g] having the Italian lyrics for the chorus of Madama Butterfly
running through your head, when you're trying to get to sleep...
h] having a "senior moment" when someone asks the "call time"....
all are annoying, however.....
"a" is bad , if you have a lot to carry or there is no other parking...
"b" is bad if you're a singer who is also a "musician"...
[there are some of us who take umbrage at singers not being
considered "musicians" by some instrumentalists ...]
"c" is bad under nearly all circumstances,
unless you're a stagehand, in which case, "score"...!
"d" is bad if you breathe air, unless,of course, you also smoke,
in which case, now you're "jones-ing" and it's call time...
"e" is really bad if you're one of those who can't eat before you play...
especially when they offer you food...knowing that...and laugh...
"f" is really bad if you sit right in front of the entrance/exit
and you've finally been able to position yourself,
and all your stuff, then he enters, with all his stuff,
crawling over you and kicking your stuff,
every rehearsal & performance.....
just before the downbeat...
right when you have to play...
"g" is really bad if you're performing the opera
in English or if you have to get up at 0-dark:30 AM...
"h" is really bad if you are the chorus manager,
orchestra manager, stage manager or director
28] What is your favorite "on stage" moment, to this point ?
see # 19, although I've had a couple of absolutely magical,
musical moments at church in the last couple of years...
29] There is a special place in Hell for ______________ who ____________ during __________. [fill-in the blanks]
singers/orchestra members /actors/ dancers.....hog the bathroom stalls....
pre-concert or post concert...changing clothes....
if there are no changing areas, I can understand, but it's still hard on those who need to "go"
30] What's the worst thing that has happened, you've seen happen or you're afraid might happen, during "Bows" or curtain calls ?
in the dress for "Promises, Promises",while playing "Bows",
my stand partner turned pages quickly,
accidentally hitting my trumpet, which split my lip open...
31] My worst nightmare regarding a production is .............
some major natural disaster during a performance...fire, earthquake...
narrowly escaped a tornado [1/2 mile from the path]
during a concert in Mississippi, on tour, 1977...
32] My re-occurring nightmare regarding a performance/rehearsal is....................................
I'm late and can't find my car, where my instrument & music are,
so I can't get to the first rehearsal of something very important...
for which I am being paid a lot of money...
actually, I get there...my instrument/music don't...
33] I have been affected by a production/concert being cancelled due to an "act of God", yes or no ?
yes... JFK assassination [1963],
severe storm cancelled my school Holiday Concert 1992,
I was at a rehearsal on the evening of 9/11/2001
34] Explain # 33...
1963 half-time show [yes, they were "productions"]
everything stopped in this country then...
1992[I think...] severe wind & rain caused
unsafe driving conditions, power outage, localized flooding
2001 SSO reh. none of us wanted to be there...
but "the show must go on..."
35] I do what I do in the theater BECAUSE :
a] it is/was my job...
b] it is/was fun.....
c] it is/was something that is "inside" me and must be expressed...
d] I love/loved it and can't imagine life without it...a dream come true...
e] other [please explain...]
....all of the above and I've been blessed to be able to
"live my dream" for as long as I did....
this time, in "honor" of all the
"hours I've spent, with a horn or score in my hand"...
in the "pit ", "on risers" or "on the stage"...
"in costume", basic black or "orchestra black"
the meme you have been waiting for...
hours in the making...no expenses spared...
the meme for thespians & singers & musicians & dancers
& actors & roadies & tech-ies & stage door junkies...
appearing on this very blog...
The "On-Stage" meme....
[all members of AFTA,AGMA,AFM, etc...be kind...]
1] What is your favorite show to "watch".... ?
I've only "seen" them from the pit, in my mind....
better than any could be staged
2] What was your favorite production to be involved with ?
.....so many...
opera : Butterfly...La Boheme...Carmen
musical...Man of La Mancha or Ain't Mis b'havin',
symphonic Mahler 1 & 5, Verdi Requiem, Rutter Gloria..
choral...Rutter Requiem, Brahms Requiem, Mahler 2,3 & 8,
Valentine Requiem, Fauré Requiem, Lessons & Carols
ballet...Nutcracker, Swan Lake
3] Can you say anything positive about the movie versions of stage classics ?
people got "work"...[M of LM, film reeked...]
4] What was the first film you remember seeing ? When ?
Peter Pan, first-run at a drive-in movie with my Dad, 1951
5] Did you see many films growing up ?
no...lived in the country...going in to town for a movie...didn't happen..
6] When did your family get a TV set ?
I was in 2nd grade, so 1955 or 56
7] Do you remember listening to programs[drama, comedy] on the radio ?
yes...The Lone Ranger, Dragnet, Gunsmoke, Jack Benny, Amos & Andy,etc..
8] When did you first "perform" in a public place ? Where ?
1st grade Christmas program for school, sang "Hark, the Herald..."
I was just 6 and unafraid...
9] Did you take music lessons as a child ? On what ?
Mom tried to teach me piano, the fundamentals of music "stuck",
the piano...not so much
trumpet at school from age 9...
had first real trumpet lesson in college...
took voice lessons in college and piano again
[poor Mr. Elliott, suffered long...]
10] Did you enjoy performing for others ?
yes...if I felt secure
and didn't have to "memorize"
then I would fall apart,
and not in a good way...
11] How important was music to you as a child/young adult ?
music was everything,
although I could not have put it in words...
I lived for "band", "choir" and later "orchestra"...
I merely marked time between
honor band/orchestra and music camp...
I was always singing, if only to myself...
12] What kinds of musical groups did you participate in growing up ?
see # 11...anything and everything I could be in...
also in plays in 8th grade and high school drama club...
was always part of the crew for the class plays
and the one musical we did my Sr. year,"Brigadoon"
[I did sets, costumes, sang in the chorus
and played lead trumpet in the pit [my 1st time...]
13] What instruments [including voice ] do you still play now ? Do you enjoy it ?
I sing and play trumpet[ and all it's kith & kin..]
I wouldn't still be doing it, if I didn't love it...
14] What else, musically, would you like to do that you haven't done, or learned to do yet ?
I always have wanted to be in a small group
that does folk music [Simon & Garfunkel, Seekers,PP&M...]
I'll probably never get to though...
15] Have you appeared "onstage" in any productions ? List them & your "role"...
My only "on stage" role
[...but who'll play the trumpet if you...]
was as Chio-Chio San's mother
in the chorus of Pucchini's Madama Butterfly,
Music From Bear Valley, 1982 [?]
16] Do you want to direct ?
been there, done that...sort of still doing that...
in bits & pieces...
17] What work [play, musical, opera, ballet, symphonic work]
have you never been involved with
that you would like to "be involved with" ?
Jesus Christ,Superstar...
[although colleagues tell me it's a killer to play]
18] What does "canticum, ergo sum" mean to you ?
the meaning of life, itself...after my faith...
19] Performing what work [see # 17 ] has been your favorite experience ?
Mahler's 8th, Chicago Symphony Orchestra & Chorus,
Carnegie Hall, NYC,20 min. SO...
WOW !
20] How many "musicals" do you know the lyrics to, by heart ?
probably less than a few years ago...then, at least 12 -15
if I played them, I knew them...
21] Do you know the difference between "The Nutcracker"
and "the Nutcracker Suite" ?
yes... the former is the entire ballet,
the latter, a few of the most popular
musical selections from the ballet
[Greatest Hits, as it were....]
generally played by orchestras, in concert,
without dancers present...
22] In what languages were the following originally written ?
Messiah[Handel] (English)
Requiem [Fauré] (Latin)
Nutcracker[Tschaikowski] (trick question...
only singing is "ooo" & "ahh")
Othello[Verdi] (Italian)
Tosca[Pucchini] (Italian)
Magic Flute[Mozart] (probably German...
because of the origins, but maybe also Italian, too)
West Side Story[Bernstein] (English)
Chichester Psalms[Bernstein] (Hebrew)
Fiddler on the Roof[Sheldon] (English, with some Yiddish..)
Ninth Symphony[Beethoven] (auf Deutch !)
23] True or false : all chorus members in a production
should apply their own make-up, if they are capable
[ie. trained...]
depends whether or not orchestra members
can watch and thus be amused....
or, even better, "make-up" should be videotaped....
so orchestra members don't have to arrive
4 hours before "curtain"...
but can still be amused....
24] What happens in the "wings", should "stay in the wings".... yes or no .....?
absolutely, positively....[ no cell phone cameras, either..]
ditto with "in the pit..." or the "Green Room"
25] Part of the "theater experience" includes :
rehearsal tights with "unfortunate runs",
people who must effect "quick", complete costume changes in the wings,
seeing prop swords, etc. sail past your head into the "pit",
stand lights with 5 watt bulbs, covered with dark blue gels...
director's "notes,w/ changes after the dress...
key changes,[aka transpositions...], necessitated by laryngitis or other cast substitution...
AC on full blast, in January, blowing only into the pit...
actors, who generally wear glasses, falling into the pit,
and landing on a 'cello...
Do you have any to add ?
...that pretty well covers most of it , without a violation of # 24....
26] The worst "scourge" of the artiste, musical or otherwise, is :
a] the accompanist who never follows the conductor in the performances
after sticking like glue in rehearsal....
b] the lead who never gives a cue line the same way twice...
c] the conductor who never gives a cue, at all...
d] the stage manager who thinks that they are a god,
and look for ways to prove it...
e] the un-cut, urtext, original composer's score version of anything,
that takes more than 4 hours to stage...
f] all of the above...
"f", plus some.....[see # 24...]
27] Which have you found "more annoying" ?
a] members of the "large" chorus, with an early call,
have found the orchestra parking, and used it all...
b] members of the "orchestra" are complaining to the world that
"singers" parked in the "musician's" lot....
c] stage hands have been in the Green Room
and ate everything, before the sound check was over...
d] actor/ dancers have stood outside the singer's entrance,
smoking, as the singers were entering...
e] string players and percussionists are having a lavish picnic
during the intermission, driving the wind players crazy...
f] the trombone player who sits in the far corner of the pit,
and is always the last person to get to his place, "in the pit"...
g] having the Italian lyrics for the chorus of Madama Butterfly
running through your head, when you're trying to get to sleep...
h] having a "senior moment" when someone asks the "call time"....
all are annoying, however.....
"a" is bad , if you have a lot to carry or there is no other parking...
"b" is bad if you're a singer who is also a "musician"...
[there are some of us who take umbrage at singers not being
considered "musicians" by some instrumentalists ...]
"c" is bad under nearly all circumstances,
unless you're a stagehand, in which case, "score"...!
"d" is bad if you breathe air, unless,of course, you also smoke,
in which case, now you're "jones-ing" and it's call time...
"e" is really bad if you're one of those who can't eat before you play...
especially when they offer you food...knowing that...and laugh...
"f" is really bad if you sit right in front of the entrance/exit
and you've finally been able to position yourself,
and all your stuff, then he enters, with all his stuff,
crawling over you and kicking your stuff,
every rehearsal & performance.....
just before the downbeat...
right when you have to play...
"g" is really bad if you're performing the opera
in English or if you have to get up at 0-dark:30 AM...
"h" is really bad if you are the chorus manager,
orchestra manager, stage manager or director
28] What is your favorite "on stage" moment, to this point ?
see # 19, although I've had a couple of absolutely magical,
musical moments at church in the last couple of years...
29] There is a special place in Hell for ______________ who ____________ during __________. [fill-in the blanks]
singers/orchestra members /actors/ dancers.....hog the bathroom stalls....
pre-concert or post concert...changing clothes....
if there are no changing areas, I can understand, but it's still hard on those who need to "go"
30] What's the worst thing that has happened, you've seen happen or you're afraid might happen, during "Bows" or curtain calls ?
in the dress for "Promises, Promises",while playing "Bows",
my stand partner turned pages quickly,
accidentally hitting my trumpet, which split my lip open...
31] My worst nightmare regarding a production is .............
some major natural disaster during a performance...fire, earthquake...
narrowly escaped a tornado [1/2 mile from the path]
during a concert in Mississippi, on tour, 1977...
32] My re-occurring nightmare regarding a performance/rehearsal is....................................
I'm late and can't find my car, where my instrument & music are,
so I can't get to the first rehearsal of something very important...
for which I am being paid a lot of money...
actually, I get there...my instrument/music don't...
33] I have been affected by a production/concert being cancelled due to an "act of God", yes or no ?
yes... JFK assassination [1963],
severe storm cancelled my school Holiday Concert 1992,
I was at a rehearsal on the evening of 9/11/2001
34] Explain # 33...
1963 half-time show [yes, they were "productions"]
everything stopped in this country then...
1992[I think...] severe wind & rain caused
unsafe driving conditions, power outage, localized flooding
2001 SSO reh. none of us wanted to be there...
but "the show must go on..."
35] I do what I do in the theater BECAUSE :
a] it is/was my job...
b] it is/was fun.....
c] it is/was something that is "inside" me and must be expressed...
d] I love/loved it and can't imagine life without it...a dream come true...
e] other [please explain...]
....all of the above and I've been blessed to be able to
"live my dream" for as long as I did....
Thursday, January 3, 2008
oh, boy !... Meme
after the tremendous success of my recent "huh," meme...
[all right, one person wanted more...
and she probably just wants easy "blog fodder"...
for the opera season...]
yet, undeterred by this possibility....
I've been inspired to "do more"...
since I was accused of being deficient in
"Y chromosome-acceptable material"...
[...that's "guy stuff" ...]
I proudly present the very manly, testosterone laden,
"oh, boy ! " meme.... [ladies, proceed with extreme caution...]
1] What's your favorite cut of steak ?
Rib eye... is there any other ?
2] How do you like it cooked ?
over fire...to med. rare...
3] Steak sauce, ketchup/catsup, mushrooms, fried onions or au natural [ S & P allowed....]
any or none, depends on how good the meat is....
4] Favorite steak house or place to get your favorite steak ?
at the Catsinger Café...I know the chef...
5] Favorite "adult beverage" beer [ light/dark ].... the hard stuff, "straight up" [name names...]
.... wine [varietal...] ..."cocktails" [which ones...] I don't drink....
DARK beer...darker, the better..."chewy beverage"..."good"
...although a GOOD red wine, ummmm !
6] Have you ever been to a strip club ? [as a patron...come on now...]
uh, no....
7] Boxers or briefs ? [tidy whities, tiger skin, bright red....]
....briefs...that's all you're getting from me...
8] Did you buy your own, or were they a "gift" ?
...haven't found the "sugar daddy" who'll buy me under ware, yet...
9] How often do you go "commando" ? .....NEVER, at least, not for years....
24/7
only when I need to do laundry...
only after I've worn each pair twice, inside out and normal...
10] How often do you do your laundry ?
...once a week...
11] How many pairs of underwear do you have ?...
more than a weeks worth...
12] How often do you wash your bed linens ?
every week or so...when they need it...
13] How do you know it's time to do laundry ? ...the hamper's full or it's Saturday...
I have nothing that hasn't been worn at least twice...
there's a funny smell near the laundry "pile", and I see "movement"...
my eyes water when I walk into my bedroom...
the city condemns my house...
14] Which of the following do you NOT consider a MAJOR food group :
Ketchup/catsup...[necessary for life]
RED MEAT.....[see above]
pizza.........[when I'm in the mood...]
BEER.....[DARK beer, ummmmm]
anything green[includes cheese]
.....[major food group...veggies good, green cheese, better...]
Nachos/tacos/burritos ......[see pizza answer...]
anything deep fried....[also see above...]
ice cream....[VERY hard, very good...]
15] If you were a firearm, what would you be ? [caliber, please...]
I. HATE. GUNS.
16] Full Metal Jacket, Platoon, Red Dawn or Stripes ? Why ?
They're ALL scary, and for different reasons...
17] Necessary Roughness, North Dallas 40, The Longest Yard[1st one],
The Replacements or On Any Given Sunday ? Why ?
Necessary Roughness/The Replacements....they're the same film...
18] Vintage muscle cars : Mustang [Shelby GT], Pontiac GTO [65-73 only], Camaro or .....? Why ?
I owned a '69 GTO, 400 engine...could cruise at 100+, sigh...
19] How fast was the fastest you've ever driven ?..... Why ?
130mph...it was Utah, the Great Salt Desert, 1973 and I could....
20] Have you ever "tinkered " with an engine ? Results...
car that was "dead", started...I got home...
21] How much do you love sports ? ...I usually listen to baseball on the radio...used to be much more into it...
I listen to Sportstalk radio every day... sometimes...KNBR
I have seasons tickets to at least one sport... [had Giants tix in 2000 & 2001]
I have a "sports room" in my house... uhh, no...
I have my team logo tattooed on my body... no way, José
I sleep on "team logo" sheets... that's just weird...
22] How would you explain this phrase..."football, ergo sum..."
someone has too much free time [and testosterone...]
23] What's the longest you've gone without bathing...
[and NOT been depressed...]
4 days...
circumstances, please...[ie hunting trip...]
had surgery, couldn't get incision wet.....
24] What's your favorite way to relax ? [that doesn't involve K-Y jelly or magazines...]
that's just crude...who wrote this thing , anyway ?....
25] Favorite " 'dog"...
chili/cheese w/onions...[ummmm, chili dog...]
Chicago [neon green relish, hot peppers etc...]...almost never...I HATE hot peppers & neon relish
'kraut dog/mustard & onions....[ummm, 'kraut dog...]
custom [list ingredients please...]
usually mustard, onions,1000 Is. dressing,sometimes pickles, RIPE tomatoes
26] Nude or "topless" beaches...as a "tourist" or a "participant" ?
a "no-show"...and you should be thanking me...also, who wants to look at naked people ? yuck...
27] How many pairs of really ratty jeans do you own ?
probably 3 or 4...
28] Do you own a leather jacket ? [what style ?]
yes, distressed leather bomber.... & suede jacket
29] How many hats do you own and wear regularly ? [style...]
I have a Giants hat, a straw gardening hat and a "cat" hat...[if you're nice, I'll show it to you...]
30] Is there a beer in your hand right now ? Why not...? NO and , "good question..."
[all right, one person wanted more...
and she probably just wants easy "blog fodder"...
for the opera season...]
yet, undeterred by this possibility....
I've been inspired to "do more"...
since I was accused of being deficient in
"Y chromosome-acceptable material"...
[...that's "guy stuff" ...]
I proudly present the very manly, testosterone laden,
"oh, boy ! " meme.... [ladies, proceed with extreme caution...]
1] What's your favorite cut of steak ?
Rib eye... is there any other ?
2] How do you like it cooked ?
over fire...to med. rare...
3] Steak sauce, ketchup/catsup, mushrooms, fried onions or au natural [ S & P allowed....]
any or none, depends on how good the meat is....
4] Favorite steak house or place to get your favorite steak ?
at the Catsinger Café...I know the chef...
5] Favorite "adult beverage" beer [ light/dark ].... the hard stuff, "straight up" [name names...]
.... wine [varietal...] ..."cocktails" [which ones...] I don't drink....
DARK beer...darker, the better..."chewy beverage"..."good"
...although a GOOD red wine, ummmm !
6] Have you ever been to a strip club ? [as a patron...come on now...]
uh, no....
7] Boxers or briefs ? [tidy whities, tiger skin, bright red....]
....briefs...that's all you're getting from me...
8] Did you buy your own, or were they a "gift" ?
...haven't found the "sugar daddy" who'll buy me under ware, yet...
9] How often do you go "commando" ? .....NEVER, at least, not for years....
24/7
only when I need to do laundry...
only after I've worn each pair twice, inside out and normal...
10] How often do you do your laundry ?
...once a week...
11] How many pairs of underwear do you have ?...
more than a weeks worth...
12] How often do you wash your bed linens ?
every week or so...when they need it...
13] How do you know it's time to do laundry ? ...the hamper's full or it's Saturday...
I have nothing that hasn't been worn at least twice...
there's a funny smell near the laundry "pile", and I see "movement"...
my eyes water when I walk into my bedroom...
the city condemns my house...
14] Which of the following do you NOT consider a MAJOR food group :
Ketchup/catsup...[necessary for life]
RED MEAT.....[see above]
pizza.........[when I'm in the mood...]
BEER.....[DARK beer, ummmmm]
anything green[includes cheese]
.....[major food group...veggies good, green cheese, better...]
Nachos/tacos/burritos ......[see pizza answer...]
anything deep fried....[also see above...]
ice cream....[VERY hard, very good...]
15] If you were a firearm, what would you be ? [caliber, please...]
I. HATE. GUNS.
16] Full Metal Jacket, Platoon, Red Dawn or Stripes ? Why ?
They're ALL scary, and for different reasons...
17] Necessary Roughness, North Dallas 40, The Longest Yard[1st one],
The Replacements or On Any Given Sunday ? Why ?
Necessary Roughness/The Replacements....they're the same film...
18] Vintage muscle cars : Mustang [Shelby GT], Pontiac GTO [65-73 only], Camaro or .....? Why ?
I owned a '69 GTO, 400 engine...could cruise at 100+, sigh...
19] How fast was the fastest you've ever driven ?..... Why ?
130mph...it was Utah, the Great Salt Desert, 1973 and I could....
20] Have you ever "tinkered " with an engine ? Results...
car that was "dead", started...I got home...
21] How much do you love sports ? ...I usually listen to baseball on the radio...used to be much more into it...
I listen to Sportstalk radio every day... sometimes...KNBR
I have seasons tickets to at least one sport... [had Giants tix in 2000 & 2001]
I have a "sports room" in my house... uhh, no...
I have my team logo tattooed on my body... no way, José
I sleep on "team logo" sheets... that's just weird...
22] How would you explain this phrase..."football, ergo sum..."
someone has too much free time [and testosterone...]
23] What's the longest you've gone without bathing...
[and NOT been depressed...]
4 days...
circumstances, please...[ie hunting trip...]
had surgery, couldn't get incision wet.....
24] What's your favorite way to relax ? [that doesn't involve K-Y jelly or magazines...]
that's just crude...who wrote this thing , anyway ?....
25] Favorite " 'dog"...
chili/cheese w/onions...[ummmm, chili dog...]
Chicago [neon green relish, hot peppers etc...]...almost never...I HATE hot peppers & neon relish
'kraut dog/mustard & onions....[ummm, 'kraut dog...]
custom [list ingredients please...]
usually mustard, onions,1000 Is. dressing,sometimes pickles, RIPE tomatoes
26] Nude or "topless" beaches...as a "tourist" or a "participant" ?
a "no-show"...and you should be thanking me...also, who wants to look at naked people ? yuck...
27] How many pairs of really ratty jeans do you own ?
probably 3 or 4...
28] Do you own a leather jacket ? [what style ?]
yes, distressed leather bomber.... & suede jacket
29] How many hats do you own and wear regularly ? [style...]
I have a Giants hat, a straw gardening hat and a "cat" hat...[if you're nice, I'll show it to you...]
30] Is there a beer in your hand right now ? Why not...? NO and , "good question..."
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
...the "blah-ogs"
I'm pretty sure that it wasn't the wonderful dark beer,
[it couldn't have been the marvelous German pancakes...
made with the same beer, either...or the plum sauce...]
I know it wasn't the delicious tabouli, [way too healthy...]
or the streak, gravy, etc., etc....
and there's no way that the day spent with very good friends,
laughing, a lot... and talking, a lot...
could ever be anything but lovely, relaxing and fun...
more than likely, for me, the combination of too much food,
[ I don't eat much these days...]
plus the barometric changes that are coming upon us...
and the headache I woke up with...
[much too early, I might add...]
add in that it's January...and, BLAH !
the chiropractor worked his magic... and,
I feel calm and peaceful... but...
today's the 20th anniversary of my dad's death, and
the 1 year anniversary of Mom's death is in 15 days...
so there is baggage...
a lovely time of year, January....
in the last few years, January has meant losses...
parents, cats... friends...aquaintences...
between January, into February...I just got used to cringing,
waiting for the next bad thing to happen to someone I cared for...
like I said, baggage....
I'm going to fight it , though...
I'll put on my new gloves and scarf...
and take a walk...before I take a nap....
a good friend recently told me, "fresh air & exercise,
are just what the enemy wants to keep us away from...
because he wants us depressed and miserable..."
she's generally right about these things...
she has "friends with connections"...
so I'll take my headache, mild stomach "uncertainty",
sniffly nose and "blahs" for a walk....
THEN, maybe a nap....
[it couldn't have been the marvelous German pancakes...
made with the same beer, either...or the plum sauce...]
I know it wasn't the delicious tabouli, [way too healthy...]
or the streak, gravy, etc., etc....
and there's no way that the day spent with very good friends,
laughing, a lot... and talking, a lot...
could ever be anything but lovely, relaxing and fun...
more than likely, for me, the combination of too much food,
[ I don't eat much these days...]
plus the barometric changes that are coming upon us...
and the headache I woke up with...
[much too early, I might add...]
add in that it's January...and, BLAH !
the chiropractor worked his magic... and,
I feel calm and peaceful... but...
today's the 20th anniversary of my dad's death, and
the 1 year anniversary of Mom's death is in 15 days...
so there is baggage...
a lovely time of year, January....
in the last few years, January has meant losses...
parents, cats... friends...aquaintences...
between January, into February...I just got used to cringing,
waiting for the next bad thing to happen to someone I cared for...
like I said, baggage....
I'm going to fight it , though...
I'll put on my new gloves and scarf...
and take a walk...before I take a nap....
a good friend recently told me, "fresh air & exercise,
are just what the enemy wants to keep us away from...
because he wants us depressed and miserable..."
she's generally right about these things...
she has "friends with connections"...
so I'll take my headache, mild stomach "uncertainty",
sniffly nose and "blahs" for a walk....
THEN, maybe a nap....
..step one, find someone who knows what they are doing
it's a new year and so a new look...
thanks to the clever fingers of Miz Minka...
I now have pictures, in spite of my cranky camera/software...
and a new header, tilting at the world...
with pictures of Piglet, Queen of the Universe...
Mackie, climber of ladders,
and his sister Murphy Brown, climber of screens...
the deeply red wall is unveiled, in progress,
along with the rest of the s-l-o-w-l-y moving
painting project...
so stay tuned...there's more...I may even figure it out
by Easter...
thanks to the clever fingers of Miz Minka...
I now have pictures, in spite of my cranky camera/software...
and a new header, tilting at the world...
with pictures of Piglet, Queen of the Universe...
Mackie, climber of ladders,
and his sister Murphy Brown, climber of screens...
the deeply red wall is unveiled, in progress,
along with the rest of the s-l-o-w-l-y moving
painting project...
so stay tuned...there's more...I may even figure it out
by Easter...
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
...ode to New Year's Eve, in Mudville
'twas the night before New Years'...and all through the house...
not a kitty was stirring...
nor nary a mouse...
sly Sneakie Pie snoozed on her perch up high...
while Thomas Cat dreamed of "Sneaky" cat pie...
Mz Lucy fur, purred as she snugged up to Robbie...
and Gracie cat smiled as she dreamed,"plates of turkey"....
bold Pig-a-let snored, and grunted in sleep,
while Fluff, ever watchful, her distance would keep...
the others, all dreamed, as they slept on soft cushions
on bookshelves, and chair backs ... my soft furry puss-kins
then what to my sleeping ears now did come banging ?
and popping and crashing and thumping and clanging ?
why, the new year, it came with a bang and a shout....
as all of my neighbors must have took their guns out...
and aimed at the stars, or the moon, to "shoot out"...
yo ! "yahoos", yo ! gun nuts, we're in city limits !
the stuff you shoot "up", comes back down, don't you get it ?
I was sound asleep.... and had been so for hours...
'til you-all, just had to show off all your powers...
no fireworks.... no gun fire.... let's us all be wise...
we don't need to celebrate, risking some lives....
so if you want your old year to end with a "bang"...
to shoot off your Oozi, or fire up your tank...
stay away from me, please...I don't want to fight...
Happy New Year to all, and to ALL, a calm night !
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