..."you'll shoot your eye out, kid ! "

mention that line, and almost everyone
knows where it comes from...

in the film, "A Christmas Story",
taken from author Jean Shepherd's nostalgic,
and often hilarious memoirs of growing up
in pre-war middle America, 9 year old "Ralphie",
Shepherd's alter ego, desperately wants,
"a Red Rider, pump action, blue steel,
simulated wood, with a compass in the stock, BB gun"...

his mother, his teacher AND Santa, all tell him,
" you'll shoot your eye out... ! "

on Christmas morning, after opening all his presents,
a dejected Ralphie sits between his parents on the sofa...
when his father asks if he got everything he wanted,
Ralphie says, "pretty much..."
trying to make the best of things...

his father suddenly sits up and says,
"what's that over there ?...behind the desk ? "
Ralphie goes to check it out
and pulls out a wrapped present for him...
he tears off the paper and sees the BB gun,
and is ecstatic...

of course, he almost "shoots his eye out",
in a freak accident...
but no one "adult" catches on to his deception,
involving a icicle,
and Ralphie gets to keep the gun...

in the final scene, Ralphie is in bed,
snuggling up to his gun...
dreaming brave and happy thoughts...
the adult Jean Shepherd,
the narrator throughout the film, says,
".. that BB gun was the best Christmas present
I would ever get..."

how many of us has that simple statement resonated with ?
how many of us have wished to recapture the utter joy
that a childhood gift, long wished for, brought... ?
when simple perfection was ours, if only for a while... ?

TV touts that luxury cars and diamonds
are the truest measure of the perfect gift... or,
if you don't receive what you really want,
go out and buy it for yourself...

the simple idea of taking the time to know someone...
to get a feeling of something that would please them...
make them smile in the knowing,
that you really cared enough to work at it...

like Ralphie's father, who knew his son
and his desire for the BB gun...
who moved in secret, hid the gift to heighten the joy,
and then reveled in his son's absolute delight with the gift...

how like our Father, that is...
He knows us, what will delight us most...
He arranges wonderful, joyous surprises...
and then fills our heart with song and makes our spirits soar...

He did it when He sent His Son, here, to be one of us...
to live with us, and die at our hands, in our stead...
then, it was His only Son, clothed in our humanity ...
sometimes, it is a friend, armed with needles and yarn...
it's always the perfect gift...

this year, I wasn't expecting anything from anyone...
because there was really no one left around
who I thought "owed" me a gift...
but that's just when I had quite a wonderful,
and totally unexpected, "BB gun" moment...

someone, who has become a very dear friend,
and who knits, beautifully, had advertised some of her "projects"
on her blog... they were wonderful...
but I knew that she was overwhelmed
making things for family members,
and, let's face it...
there are only so many hours in a day...

I also knew that if I mentioned my desires to her,
she would have gone out of her way
to give me what I wanted...
because, that's the kind of friend she is...
but then, I would never ask,
because that's the kind of friend I am trying to become......

so, since I knew that there were so many other calls
on her time and talents,
I resolved to put aside my wants and focus on other things,
made all the more difficult,
by the disappearance of my old scarf & gloves...

so when, on Christmas Day,
she told me that she wasn't done yet
with the scarf that she was knitting for me...
I was surprised and very pleased...
I hadn't expected anything, from one
who's given me so much already...
and here she was, giving me something
I really wanted and needed... !

[turns out, she had only started it about 7 different times...
before she was "satisfied" enough to finish it....
that should tell you all that you need to know
about her level of craftsmanship...]

she told me that she would
also make me some fingerless gloves,
all of the same deep red yarn,
with heathered accent bits...
and a custom, closed sleeve for my half thumb,
which is always cold at this time of year....

I was so touched...here was someone,
who cared enough to actually consider
what I needed, what I would like and then
measured both gloves and scarf to me...
so even my half thumb had a perfect fit...

it was truly the thoughtfullness and efforts
of my very busy friend,
that made this such a special gift of herself,
her time and her love...
just this, would have been gift enough for me...

so, today, I was presented
with my beautiful gloves and scarf...
they are as wonderful as I had hoped...
a perfect fit, a lovely color...
everything I could have wanted...
but would never have dared to wish for...

I chuckle, knowing that she'll appreciate the fact
that unlike Ralphie and his BB gun,
I won't be sleeping with them tonight...
because they will be tucked safe, in my car,
away from pillaging kitties...
so they will stay as special as they are now...

warm, soft and made with love...
by someone whose friendship I cherish more,
with each passing day...

when she gave me the brightly wrapped
packages today,
she told me, apologetically...

"they're not perfect..."

but I disagree...

they are perfect...

the most perfect Christmas present I'll ever receive...

...and now for something completely different

In honor of the ending year, I thought that I'd try my hand at
writing a Meme...

the only theme..."huh ?" [or "why did you ask that ?]
[the questions just "came " to me...an inquiring Deity wants to know (?) ...]

"huh ?" Meme

1. Do you take showers or baths ?

showers...

2. Why ?

had only a shower when I was growing up, never got into "baths"....

3. can you name all "7 Dwarfs" ?

uhh... Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Bashful & Doc

4. what was the most unique pet you ever kept ?

either a "June bug" or a lizard [wild]...neither "lasted"

5. what's the creepiest thing that ever happened to you ?

I "collected" a scorpion[for a biology assignment],
left it for a day in the "killing jar [C CL4]
pinned it on a board...and the next day,
it was gone, pin and all...
[I had been handling a live scorpion...
this was the end of the entomology project...]
[yes, I know scorpions aren't insects...]

6. what's your favorite scary movie ?

"The Lady in White"

7. What's your favorite suspenseful movie ?

"Julia", followed closely by "Shining Through",
"Double Indemnity" and "Rear Window"...

8. which phrase best describes your "taste"....

cool/Deco/Bauhaus
comfy/Arts & Crafts/Mission
modern/50's/60's/70's
Victorian/fru fru/ ornate
chic moderne/glass/metal/angles/stark
classic/comfy mix of whatever I like

I don't like ultra modern or fru fru...
I can appreciate Mid Century Modern,
but I have already "lived it",
and don't want to go back...
my taste is varied...
I like Deco/Bauhaus, Arts & Crafts/Mission...
generally comfortable and cozy...

9. Do you know how to use chop stix ?

yes...though it used to be easier to use them...

10. Do you "use " them when eating Chinese food ?

generally not...

11. Do you think that you're "smart" ?

yes, I use a Mac... OK, so that answer means what I'm sitting on is smart...
next question...

12. What's your favorite candy bar ?

IF, I'm eating candy....depends on my mood...
sometimes one thing, sometimes another...
sometimes, you feel like a nut...

13. What do you think of the following soda shop items :

marshmallow= good with chocolate...or roasted...

chocolate= good with marshmallow, or peanut butter, or caramel

sprinkles, etc= keep them FAR away from my ice cream

caramel= a very good thing

fruity toppings= bananas, grilled pineapple or other stone fruit, good,
the rest....too sweet...stewed fresh fruit, also good

whipped cream= not too much.....

nuts= ditto[NO walnuts : P ]

the cherry= right on the top, please,
[ glow-in the dark color and all...]

ice cream= hard [some tooth...] soft = cat food

favorite flavors of= peppermint[candy cane],fresh peach,
really good,really cold chocolate[Hagen Daas]
candied ginger...

favorite add-in= not big on adding, unless it's like a sundae

least favorite add-in= any kind of candy[except candy cane or toffee]
gummies, M&Ms, sprinkles YUCK


14. complete this phrase : If I could work anywhere, I would work for/at __________________

St.Johns...doing what I'm doing with those I'm working with...


15. If I have a regret, it is ________________.

not "waking up" a year or so ago, being such a jerk
to some truly, loving & good people...
I often wonder how much better things
could have been by now, all things considered...


16. Would you "eat a bug *" for....
[*bug = big, nasty, slimy, germy, stinky cockroach ]

a LOT of money ? no

fame and success ? no

to save your own life ? probably

to save the life of someone you don't like ? yes

to save the life of someone you love ? of course


17. Which is the "best test of friendship" ?

a] helping someone you know move ?
b] helping someone that you know when they are sick ?
c] standing by someone when they are going through a "bad patch" ?
d] answering the phone at 3:30 AM ?

a b c or d ?

is this a trick question ? all of the above...
[where's the "hole" question ?]


18. Ever eaten paste or glue ?

I've eaten things that tasted like paste or glue,[unfortunately], but, no...not the real thing....


19. Name something that you are really "bad" at...

sewing.... doing stained glass... making chit-chat


20. Name something that you are/were good at that you hated....

hula dancing....


21. Cocktail parties or wienie roasts ?

I'm not fond of large, chit-chatty gatherings.... of the 2 , a wienie roast,preferably on a beach, with just a few good friends...


22. What do you think when you hear, "Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be..."

absolute romantic that I am, I'm truly happy for those to whom it applies...


23. What one thing do you want to do before you die ?

finish the race....


24. Are you a glass half full or half empty person ?

I think it depends on the situation...although I tend toward the more positive side these days...


25. Is there someone you talk with every day ?

always Jesus, a running dialog [that's what happens when you live in your head... but not a bad thing, either...]
used to talk with Mom, before that, I had a close friend I talked with often, not much anymore... I have a couple of friends I may not converse with every day, but we tend to make up for anything we missed when we do get together....


26. What goals do you have for yourself ?

to be who and where God wants me... to be as good a friend and sister to my good friends as I can be...to be doing what He wants from me... I've always liked partnerships...I've missed out on the ultimate, perhaps there are still some smaller, yet satisfying ones down the road... whatever God wants, I'll try to do...


27. When you look back over the past, what are you most proud of ?

I was a good teacher and made a difference for many kids...


28. What are you the least proud of ?

next question...


29. Back when you were 25, is this what you thought that you'd be doing now ?

NO... I had plans to play professionally in an orchestra & teach at a university....


30. What do you want to be when you grow up ?

whatever God has in mind, but, size 10 would be nice...sigh...


31. How do you feel about where you ended up ?

I wouldn't change a thing, at this point...
maybe the path I took...
I could have been a better human being...
but I'm good with where and who I am...

32. Any final thoughts on life in general ?

you never know when your life will change direction,
or who will be standing there when it does...
to love and comfort you...
keep your eyes and your heart, open....

...majesty & glory

"as I look up in the night sky...
and I see works of Your hands...
there's the moon...
and all the stars that You have made...
Lord, I can not understand how this could be,
it's such a mystery...
how You could know about, or care,
or bother with anyone like me..."

and as the three looked up at the spectacular night scape....
broken clouds scudded across the full moon and stars,
burnishing the night sky's lamps...
as the cold wind pushing those clouds
brought those heavenly lights in and out of focus...

it was still... the, quite distant, hum of travelers
came now and then on the silent wind...
all else, seemed to be holding it's breath at the sight...
very high, one light blinked, an airplane going west...
the only intrusion of technology on an ancient tapestry...

it was early now, on the morning of Christmas, day 2 of 12...
another warm and wonderful gathering of 3,
where He was also present...was concluding...
and we lingered in the moment...
knowing it was time, but all the same,
apparently quite content for these moments,
to stand...in a cold, moon-lit parking lot, looking up....

"I like to think about how Abraham looked up
at this same moon, all those years ago," M stated,
the conviction in his strong baritone
breaking our trance....

"...and Jesus, too...", G added, quickly and firmly,
but with a small quiver in her voice...

all I could say was, " wow..."

"Oh, Jehova, Lord,
the majesty and the glory of your name fill earth
and overflow the heavens you have made...

...and yet, You made man,
only a little lower than the angels...
and put a crown of glory on his head...
and you have put him in charge of,
every little thing, that You made...
to think, You'd bother,
with anyone...
like me..."


["Majesty & Glory", C. Floria] [ Psalm 8 ]

...seasons in the sun

strange thought for December,
but let's go with it a bit..

for everything, there is a season...
the Bible tells us that...

and as we sojourn here,
on our way to eternity...
we need things...

not enough food, short sojourn...
inadequate shelter or clothing...
uncomfortable and short sojourn...

sometimes, we become so wrapped up
in our favorite subject... us ....
that we fail to notice the gifts around us...
given to us by a loving Father, who seeks to drop
these little "love bombs" along our way...

the glorious colors of the autumn leaves,
now mostly gone...
the twinkle and sparkle of seasonal lights...
which will soon be gone...

and then, fog, gloom, cold & damp...
seasonal weather with it's storms...
short dark days, long darker nights...

so where is the sun ?
my spell check can't figure this one out,
but it is really not "sun", it's "Son", that I meant...

then "seasons in the Son"
takes on an entirely different meaning...
for He is always here, especially
where 2 or 3 are gathered in His name...

and there, the warmth of the light,
will stave off the darkness...
and the torch, of 3 small lights,
becomes the light of the Son,
and His smile warms the season...

...does anyone have a light ?

"it is better to light just one little candle,
than to stumble in the dark..."

the first line of a popular song from my youth...
probably a paraphrase of the quote
from Eleanor Roosevelt....
"It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness"
[also attributed to a Chinese proverb...]

we see a lot of candles at this time of year,
and as a symbol of home, hospitality and hope...
they burn bright...

but there is also a lot of "cursing "...
not to mention the gathering "darkness"....

Mother Teresa said,"It is better to do good, than to fight evil..."
at first glance, that appears an oxymoron, of sorts...
since for many, "fighting evil" is "doing good"...
but as I've been discovering, the effort to "fight", even righteous anger,
is an avenue "in", for the enemy of the light...

Lucifer, the "light bearer", who fell from Heaven for his greed and hubris,
should be a "cautionary tale".... but we are not listening...
we live in a world of "feelings"... and want to "feel good" about things...
ourselves, our lives, our attitudes, our path...

and that's when he gets in...
we look to the light, give Him our lives, with their dark and mouldy secrets...
but still want to do our daily walk, alone...because we feel "OK"...
not that this a conscious choice, we just think we're OK on our own,
and that's when it begins...the little fears, insecurities, doubts...they creep in,
make us "feel bad" and steal our peace...our light, as it were...

to live in luxury, means to have no material needs unmet....
"lux" is "light", in Latin..."lux eterna" [light eternal]... so, by extrapolation,
to live in "luxury", is to live "in the light"....
does this mean that we'll have everything we want ?
no, but we'll have all we need...

the light will shine on us, keeping out the evils that dwell in the darkness...
but where there is light, there are shadows...
so we must claim the victory over the darkness if in the light is where we want to be...
does this mean that the darkness will never try to "eclipse" the light ?

on the contrary, it is a constant battle, as long as we "fight"...
but once we realize that the battle has already been won,
that we have become mere "re-enactors", pawns in the struggle...
staging the same fight, again and again, to no avail...
then, finally, that battle is over...
because Jesus has won the victory for us, once and for all...
we only have to claim it, and task with it no more...

when we choose to be re-enactors, we are divorcing ourselves from the victory,
and putting ourselves in harm's way...
this is not a smart choice...
this is "cursing the darkness"...

so, light those candles, keep them lit...
fear not the circling gloom, it can not enter the light to harm you...
it can only hurt you when you choose to leave the light...
so stay in the light, and do good...

as you do, the circle of light will get bigger
and soon, there will be no room for darkness....
leaving the light, to fight evil, is not your job,
and, besides, that fight's been won...

...tick, tock...

I haven't worn my watch regularly since I really retired,
[when I stopped doing the "testing" for the school district...]
almost immeadiatly, the battery in my watch died , and since,
the local jeweler I'ld always taken it to,
[to have the battery changed...I have dexterity issues...],
had closed their doors after over 50 years in business,
I'm not sure that I know where to take it...

I suppose I could take it to the Mall...there must be a kiosk, somewhere,
in "Mall-land" that deals with watch batteries... but I never go there, usually,
and this time of year is not a good time to break that trend...
so, I guess, I can wait to get a new battery, after all,
I'm not wearing it right now anyway...

so, as another year moves inexorably towards it's close...
I find myself looking at "time"....
for years, my opponent...there was never enough of it...
all the things that I had to do...
all the things I wanted to do...
never... enough time for both...

the guilt and regret, for time wasted, or , if you will, not well spent,
would consume me, robbing me of any joy I might have had,
for the time I actually managed to accomplish what was needed...

no time for me, my kitties, a life outside of work or God...
and even as the pace of my life slowed towards retirement...
the hours sped by...watching TV, laying around, doing household chores....
reading, though not as much as in the past...
because I would get restless, then escape into "napland"....

and I became aware, more and more, of my own mortality...
so I made the preparations...but that still didn't ease my mind...
tempus fugit [time flies]....
and something was wrong...

then, a month ago yesterday, time stood still for me...
the Creator of the Universe reached out to me,
with the hands of His friends, and pulled me up, into a place,
where "time" as I had known it, ceased to exist...

I lost interest quickly, in the diversions I had been using to block out God,
and started spending time doing more "inner work"....
I found that He was speaking to me, if I would only listen...
but, to do that, off went the "background noise"...
the TV, radio...off... the silence held peace, and joy....and understanding...

and then, the challenge, on a blog,
by one of His friends, and mine...
and then, it was "game on"...
I found myself spending hours, creating, laughing, "plotting"...
and then, laughing some more...

I rediscovered the true joy that comes from spending time with Him,
and in His service....
in creating gifts for those I loved, that were really gifts of time...
and, by extension, a gift of myself...
as a result, all the more valuable...

to sit and imagine the delight of a dear friend,
when they are given something, made just for them...
is beyond anything I had known before...
and unlike many failed expectations in the past...
the results were even better than I'ld hoped,
because the inspiration was from Him...
I just supplied the loving hands, and the time...

and as I have begun to have a different view of "time",
to feel the joy of it spent with Him...
and in service and love of my friends and family,
I have been seeing it come back to me in the same way...

to see a very dear friend and sister, spend hours making something for me,
"worry", that it... "isn't done yet"...and then add something else on to it...
to "make it better...", in reality, to give me even more of herself...
is almost beyond my ability to feel deserving of...

yet, I know her motivation, I also felt it when I spent hours on things for her...
it is His love, He is using us to love each other...
He wants us to know that He loves us like this...
and when we listen to Him, and do as He commands,
we, ordinary people can do extraordinary things...

and it's all about "time"...
He spent "time" here as one of us..."he knows our days..."
He knows that because our days here are numbered,
and "we are, as grass...", the most tangable gift of our love ,
for Him, and each other, is the gift of our time...

whether as time spent in the warm moments of shared food,
music, conversation...and caring...that can go long into a night...
or a passing smile, on the way to the duties of life...

the spending of hours, crafting a gift...doing it and re-doing it,
until you are satisfied that it is just perfect,
for the loved one you are creating it for...
and then, doing it again... just to make sure...
that everyone is happy...you, your beloved and God...

this time, is golden...
this moment you can never retrieve, once you have spent it...
and you have spent it in the service of love...
and Jesus smiles...

"Bright Christmas" [sorry, Irving...]

"the sun is shining, the grass is green,
the orange and palm trees[sic] sway...
[I HATE palm trees...]
there's never been such a day...
in Mudville, North CA.....

but, it's December, the 25th...
and I am longing to see a drift..."
[of snow...]

I used to have a white Christmas...
when I lived "up", Chicago way...
where the "tree tops glistened..."
and "Children listened"...
to hear, snowplows crunch the snow....

I used to have to leave an hour early...
if just to find my buried car....
so I'll take the sunshine so bright....
hope you make it home with no "black ice", tonight...

I'll be driving across the ice-less roadways...
no salt or chains there'll be for me...
they'll be no ice scrapers,
no frozen flat tires,
or icicles, dropping from a tree...on me...

Sometimes I miss the crisp, crunchy snow walks,
that is until I stop to think...
how the snow would melt in,
and get your feet wet...
and then start to freeze again....

warm and cozy is much more, when you've been,
outside in -43, [wind chill...]
with the runny noses and frozen toes-es,
and scarf, frozen tight to me, geee!

here, I'll wake up to some frosty mornings,
it just won't be -20...
so for all you there in the snow...
stay inside, and make the fireplace, glow !

Merry Christmas to all my snow-bound friends !
from Catsinger and all the kitties

"Catsinger and the Night Visitors "...[with apologies to Menotti]

a month ago, Miz Minka installed Sitemeter on my blog...
a wondrous contraption, that at first was, hardly moving...
but now, is spinning fast....[probably seasonal...]

not that I am at all worth reading, to those who cruise by,
I seem to have lots of visitors who search for the same few words...
specifically, "trumpet notes for silent night"...

so I searched those words, and I do come up, first...
since I have a blog by that exact title, not surprising...
but there are places on the same page offering actual music,
which must be what they seek...or why search those words ?

and there are the cat Christmas song junkies...
since I write Cat-mas carols, also understandable...
if you search "Catmas carols", I show up eventually...
along with the "blog pimp" for me by Miz Minka...
and the mention of the carols, with a link, by Dearest Dragonfly...

I even had someone from Israel searching last night,
for "cat Minka...", who has made an appearance,
although perhaps not the "Minka" they sought....
I know she has a " mysterious past", but Israel...I don't think so...

so last night, when I went to bed, there had been 108 visitors...
and this morning by 8 AM, there were 114...
for me that's a huge jump, but I notice most just "cruise",
few pause to read...how like the world has become, that is...

faceless quick encounters.... hit and run...leave only footprints...
make little or no contact, and remain aloof...
without Sitemeter, I wouldn't even know that
anyone had been here, most of the time...

which brings me to my thought, behind the title...
my musings are posted, and visitors come, often in the night,
"searching..."
they seek something they don't find here, and move on...

it reminds me of the small, gem of an opera,
"Amahl, and the Night Visitors", by G.C. Menotti...
Amahl, a crippled shepherd boy lives with his mother, a poor widow...
one night, after Amahl has limped in, on his crutch,
singing of the star he's seen in the sky...they hear someone outside...

a few moments of comedy ensue as
a 1st knock on the door,
is followed by another, and another...
as each attempt by the boy to convince his mother that,
"there are..Kings outside..." is met by maternal disbelief...

finally, his mother opens the door, sees the 3 Kings
and, in astonishment, lets them in....

they tell of the star they follow and the child they seek...
and show the gifts for Him...
all Amahl's mother can see is that there is a lot of gold,
and only a small bit would save her son
from starvation and a death in poverty....

so, after all are asleep, she tries to steal a piece of gold and is caught...
she tells of her pain for Amahl and her desire to protect her child...
they tell her of the specialness of "the Child, we seek",
and what He will mean to all the peoples of the world...

hearing this, Amahl struggles to his feet
and offers his only possession as a gift for the Child...his crutch...

as he does that, he is healed and dances around the stage for joy....
the opera ends with the Kings on their way,
and Amahl and his mother filled with joy and hope...

everyone is seeking...most do not know what it is that they seek,
only that they are driven to look...and in that drive,
may miss the most important find of all...

I've given my crutch to Him...
He has given me my life...peace, joy, love and acceptance....
a family of friends, who are very dear...things to do, that I love...
and the knowledge that it will always be so, with Him...

I can only hope for my "night visitors",
that they may come to this place of peace and joy one day...
so that they no longer need their crutch either...

...almost time... for a nap...

this time of year, with the winter solstice,
[the shortest day of the year...]
with more "darkness", cold and fog...
and the cold wind across the wet ground...
most leaves already down or just, barely dangling...
the world is ready to hibernate...

the last mad flurry of "preparations"...
school recessing... the spate of seemingly
unending rehearsals and performances,
coming to a close for musicians...
for a while, at least...

cookies to bake and deliver...
gifts...to be made or bought...
that had better be wrapped
and in the mail by now...
ditto for cards.. and massive expectations...

that last mad dash as the families
begin the rounds of "get-togethers"...
attempting to make sure all "factions",
get their "due"...

and the parties, the dinners ...
the preparation for it all...

programs at schools are done...
but ballets and ice skating pageants,
and church pageants and programs...
still grind their way through to the end...

by the time Christmas Eve arrives,
we are exhausted...
I see it on the faces of my dear friends
who've been doing all the musical things,
that enhance this season for others,
as well as for themselves...
and all the seasonal things ...
and the family things...
and now it's almost that time...
when you can be unconscious for a few days,

after, of course, you do the final "things"...
Midnight Mass, Christmas dinner...
gift exchanges, family time..
then, you can be oblivious...
for at least a little while...

I wasn't sure what the holidays
would be like for me this year...
without "relatives", truly alone,
for the first time...
I had always referred to people at my church
as a sort of family....
having absolutely no idea the depth
of what God had in store for me this year...

back around Thanksgiving,
some friends reached out to me,
again,...
they had been trying...over and over...
even though I seemed determined
to stay walled off from everyone...
being smothered by loneliness, fear, guilt,
failure, grief and despair...

I must have finally been ready for a change then,
or maybe I knew it was probably my last chance...
so when they reached out, this time,
I took their offered hand....

I know now, that God used them...
to bring me back, from the edge...
back into the light...
and back to Him...

and to the plans He had for me, and for them,
that none of us could ever have imagined...
nor probably believe, if it wasn't happening to us...
because, it's been amazing since then...
I truly feel "at home"... and part of a family now...
and it grows better each day...

so, on Christmas Eve, after 2 services
of cantoring, carol leading, trumpet playing, singing,
choir directing and celebrating with my family
I'll get home well past midnight...

the full moon will not be able to dim
the glow of Unkle Phil's Christmas lights,
as I pull into my driveway,
and walk up the porch steps....

as I enter my "in process" house...with the yummy red wall...
as well as other newly painted places...
I will, yet again, have missed that special, mystical
"Midnight Christmas Eve" moment,
when all the kitties "talk"...
[who are we kidding ? ...
I already know what they're saying anyway...]

I'll make sure I stash my instruments and music...
check that I have everything ready for later that morning...
knowing me, I'll probably load the car then... [if I haven't already done it ]
before finally crawling into my bed...

around "noon-ish", I'll show up at
Miz Minka & Mr Greenthumb's...
ready to enjoy a relaxed day...
of just being with people
I really want to be with

as tired from "celebrating" as we all are already,
it will be a very low-key, no stress day....
good food, good conversation and, undoubtedly,
a lot of laughter...
and that will be wonderful...
I can't think of a better way to celebrate such an authentic event
as, a baby, born in a stable...
come to save us from ourselves,
who is God, among us...

that's real, truly authentic...
a day like this should be spent with those who are also real...
and, thanks be to God, I will be...

...and I don't need your help...

sometimes, you know
that you're going in the "right" direction,
because the road signs tell you so...
they agree with your "mapquest" printout...
or your "gps" gadget....[always comforting...]

but if your journey is of the "spiritual" type,
the road signs can be "all over the place..."
the season of Advent, with it's waiting and preparing,
is a good time for one of those "in-sight out" trips...
and for many of us, use to the gentle nudge down a path,
or away from something, our walk is ever changing...

if you're restless, dealing with issues, confronting yourself...
it can be daunting, at best, to trust in Him...
and leave things with the One, who can take "care" of it...
we give Him all of it, the whole mess we've made...
then grab it back, worry some more and
delay, or prevent, His solution, by our actions...
it's so hard to trust, put it there, leave it there,
and not micro-manage...
but that's just what we must do...

I have a plaque that says,
" Good morning, this is God..
I will be managing your life today,
and I don't need your help..."

once we have that idea,
we just have to keep "getting" it,
because it is a daily struggle, to walk the walk
that brings peace and joy...

which brings me to my day...
I've had a pretty incredible month...
I feel that I have been walking in the light
and have had the peace and joy that live in that light...
I've found myself, to my great surprise and delight,
being used for good in the lives of friends,
and in many other unexpected ways...

the words of encouragement to be shared,
have been "coming" to my mind...a gift...
so to have some of these very words,
thrust back in my face,
by a jeering, nasty "little voice"
was totally unanticipated, frustrating
and galling...

today, the other shoe dropped...
over, and over, and over... [ad nauseum...]
I have been here before,
and I should have seen it coming...
just when you think that you are making real progress,
and your guard is down,
that's when he strikes,
and in insidious, evil "little" ways...

actually, since yesterday, lots of "little things",
have been "happening"....
if it could go wrong, it did...
if I could be stupid or thoughtless, I was...
if a cat could pee on it, barf on it, crap on it
or knock it down and break it...it did...

so, I attempt to deal with the
"faint whiff of sulphur" in the air...
and I give all the stuff that was getting to me, to Him...
but stuff keeps happening..
so I keep trying to take it back from Him, sort through it,
then, give it back to Him, etc...
creating even more problems...

now, I have a headache, my arthritis is flaring...
I'm hurting, I'm grumpy and, finally,
I allow myself to get mad and vent...
this reaction is understandable,
if you consider an old cat
peeing on the bed linens you have just changed,
right in front of you,
ON YOUR PILLOW !
...something that might make you angry...

so, I really lost it, called the cat a few names she didn't deserve,
[she can't help herself...] tore the now soaked flannel
top sheet and pillow case off the bed
and set them in a pile to wait...

I had just put in a full load [the flannels I took off to wash]
so it would be a while...meanwhile, the quilt that I use as a bedspread,
had come out of the dryer, and was still damp,
but had to go on the bed anyway...
in case the incontinent cat took another walk....

so I'm banging things around and grumbling to myself...
and J, who's been a "fly on the wall", yesterday and today,
and has seen me get more and more pissed-off,
until I blew up, is, wisely, painting very quietly...

I sit down, realizing that the whiff of sulphur
has turned into a stench...hear Satan laughing at me,
and say..." I get so fed up, sometimes..."...
J said, "yeah, I heard some of what you were saying to that cat...
that was pretty fed up"...
so, as I recounted a few of my frustrations, and he commented,
I could feel the stress leave..and the sulphur was gone...

I knew that the "Big Guy", as a friend calls Him,
had every thing under control, but I just had to worry,
and let things "get to me"...and that's all the opportunity
that nasty devil needed to turn my peace and joy into
frustration and bitterness....

of course, as soon as I let go of it all...
the peace and joy were back...
and the frustration and bitterness, gone...
I guess it's the effort we use to "fight",
that allows him in... the anger...
so I guess the secret's not to fight,
but to just give in and let God fight him for us,
after all, He's already won that one...

"there she sits..." Cat-mas carol # 14

There she sits, the divine Gra-cie...
there on side of the tub she pe-r-ches...
why she's there, who on earth can say ...
but if you want her off, there'll be Hell to pay...

Sometimes, here and sometimes, there....
com-fy or not, she does-n't seem to care...
up on the dra-per-y rod, under the chair...
it's al-ways some-place dif-fer-ent, for her lair...

toilet tank, sometimes on the seat...
on the counter top or in the kitchen sink...
plopped on the cutting board, snuggled on the couch...
most of her beds would leave us say-ing,"ouch ! "

I've seen her curled around a ficus tree ...
also seen her "slumming" right here on my knee ...
up on the curtains or on the old TV....
no place she goes is a surprise to me...

Gra-cie, Gra-cie, "yogi cat, supreme"
every new "position"... a masochistic dream...
pain must be just a word to her...
yeah, like crun-chi-es and tu-na...

I ne-ver know where she'll make the scene,
it's a good thing, that I have a fire-place screen...
all I need, is a cat on fire...
running through the house, now that would be dire...!

so now she sits, the divine Gra-cie...
plot-ting "who knows what" or
"who knows where, she will be..."
all I know is this, and here's how it'll be...
somehow Gracie cat will get the best of me...

["Il est Né ]

silent night notes for trumpet

I have had a number of visits to my blog
with this as the "search" phrase...
I would be more than happy
to assist anyone "out there"
with an impending "gig"....so, e-mail me...
[ngblaylock[AT]hotmail[DOT]com]

my nearly 50 years of trumpet playing,
[getting paid for 40 of them...]
and 30 years of instrumental teaching...
make me able to help you
with transposition, etc...

I'm playing Silent Night myself,
at Midnite Mass at my church...
on my cornet, with a descant I wrote...
besides hymn descants
on my C trumpet and piccolo trumpet...

so, please,, don't fruitlessly "search"...
I'll be more than glad to help you
solve your problem...
if I can...

... you go girl, let it shine !

I've got to find that old scarf...
I thought, as I pulled my collar closer,
against the cold...
and walked up the steps of the church
where the concert was being held...

I had lots of time, at least 15 minutes
before the starting time I had been told...
[ I had even checked the e-mail "once more",
for the starting time...just before I left the house...]
and veteran musician, that I am,
I was early...it's in my DNA...

being an audience member
is a unique experience for me...
for more than 40 years, I played and sang
in so many concerts and productions,
that I never had the time or inclination to go,
just to listen....
besides, I've never enjoyed watching
or listening, as a rule...
I want, even need to be doing it...
that's in my DNA too...

I was, however, breaking my normal,
"I don't go to concerts" rule ...
for a couple of good reasons...
not only was this a Renaissance music group,
[ I have a weakness for this period,
along with even earlier music...
yep...also in my DNA...]
I knew one member, a fellow trumpeter,
[ from "when the crust of the earth was cooling..."]
and my dear friend and fellow musician,
Miz Minka, was a part of this small group too...
[and because it is chamber music, I mean small...
4 singers,one to a part, who also play recorder,
plus another recorder player... ]
Miz Minka had asked me to come, and I agreed...

so there I was, walking into the church...
and from behind the closed doors,
I heard singing....
"A little late for the sound check", I thought,
as I picked up a program...
then I heard applause...
I looked at the program...
it had started at 7...not 7:30...I was very late...

as I took a seat in a back corner,
I saw Miz Minka spot me arriving...
as, along with the group,she was now singing again...
she had noted my late entry, [my red jacket is hard to miss...]
and I wasn't sure if the glance I got meant that,
I was "in trouble", for being so late [at least 15 minutes...]
...rather rude of me, after all...
or if she was just relieved that I had made it at all...

of course, the e-mail with the incorrect time came from her,
but she didn't know that then and, I digress...

as they sang more, I was soon quite glad I had come...
not only was the music lovely and being done well...
I found myself becoming very much aware
that I was hearing not only her talent,
as a soloist/singer, further revealed,
but I was also in the presence of a naturally gifted , intuitive, musician...

She considers herself a "chorister, and she is a good one...
she has worked hard to learn her "craft"...
I knew that from working with her for almost 2 years...
what I didn't know, until very recently,
was that she has a soloist quality voice
and the skills to back it up ...

I don't know how she "flew beneath my radar"...
[I generally notice the people around me, who are "pros"]
but she did... so this realization has "blown me away"...
such a wonderful and joyful discovery in one I hold very dear...

though she came "late" to singing,
and is self-taught as a vocalist,
she uses her voice as well,
and as effortlessly,
as many classically trained singers,
who've studied for years...
the quality of her voice is clear, warm and natural...
a lovely sound, well focused and modulated...
but supportive while blending with others...
her upper range has a lighter, clear, flute-like focus,
very lyrical and sopranoesque...
while the low range, [and there were low notes ...]
is rich, full, focused and velvety
without the "chesty" sound
you so often hear from women singing in that range...
because she prepares so thoroughly,
she graciously places the audience at ease,
with her stage personna, presence
and joy in the music she's making....

so, all things considered,
the program was much too short...
and I'll go again, especially,
to hear her sing in that group...
music we both love...done well...
makes me wish I could do it too...
but they're a small group,
and have a very capable alto already...
so I guess I'm in the audience,
unless they need a Baroque trumpeter any time soon...

...why I write... [with apologies to WW II film makers...]

it starts with a "twitch"...
a little annoying facial "tick", as it were...
like an "itch", that's hard to scratch...
but you must try, 'though you can't reach it...

then, hummed snatches of "seasonal melody"...
a brief, sung couplet to a frisky feline...
and, OOPS ! , I'm doing it again...
writing another Cat-mas Carol....

it's pretty much a "seasonally adjusted affliction"...
they come to me in just any old season at all...
I'm talking to a cat...more often, singing "recitative"...
[I am the Catsinger, after all ...]
and, suddenly, I'm in the grasp...and it won't let go
until it's out of my head...
[...don't you just hate that ?...]

I have noticed that the moon is waxing fat...
to be full on Christmas Eve...
the last batch of carols, were likewise, a "lunar related event"...
I think it is no small coincidence that the moon going full
could coax such "looney tunes" from my aging brain...
or make the kitties seem "looney-er ..."

or maybe it's just that I'm surrounded
by so much ins-purr-ation...
after all, art imitates life...
and I live with many furry objects d'art...
[in their minds, anyway...]

and then, there are my friends, and their furry friends....
Dearest Dragonfly, of rapier wit and clever tale,
herself, "staff" for Bixby, mighty hunter...
whose exploits are legendary and inspiring...

Square Peg, who mothers dogs and a fish,
[that's enemy ! & food !...respectively in "cat"...]
but we wouldn't hold that against her...
someone has to stay "above the fray"...
be the voice of reason in all this catly "me, me, me-ness...

sadly, Unkle Phil is no longer "owned" by felines,
but if you've missed "The Story of the One Legged Turkey",
his Thanksgiving post [11/22]...you owe it to yourself to read it at once...
then, the "ins-purr-ation -al"connection
becomes way too obvious...
{hummm, maybe,"over the washer and down the stairs..." ]

and then, there's Miz Minka, Queen of Pithy Phrase ...
herself, possessed of catly virtues, wiles and ways...
[ not to mention serious vocal "chops"...]
"staff" to Minka, she of velvet paws and awesome "haught"...
subject of many a "sappy cat blog", artistic photo and ruler of her known world...
[no wonder Minka thinks she's, all that... ]

I ask you, gentle reader, how on earth,
could I be surrounded with so much ins-purr-ation...
and NOT write Cat-mas Carols ?

so until there's a "cat-staffers anonomous" ,
a support group, with a 12 step plan for cat staffers...
complete with self-help books and DVDs,[$19.95]
I will write and sing, to ease the pain, share the laughs and unburden my soul...

"Carol of the Cat" Cat-mas # 13

Should I go out, should I stay in... ?
the sun is out, but there is wind...
and it is wet, oh, what to do...
it's daylight now...soon the day will end...

the breezes hurry, fallen leaves in flurries,
I've really got to pee and do my "biz-ness"...
do I, do I, do I, do I, go out.... ?
do I, do I, do I, do I, go out.... ?

so I stand here, frozen with fear...
if I don't go out, Mom'll close the win-dow...
I do want out, but still, there is doubt...
oops, here she comes, I'll close my eyes and just go...

Oh, boy, it's cold out here, just the way I
feared it would be when I was looking out....
let me, let me, let me, let me, back in...
let me, let me, let me, let me, back in...

now, it's so cold, please, it's so wet,
my paws like ice, it's not so nice...

please, let me in....NOW, NOW NOW, NOW !

["Carol of the Bells", dedicated to Piglet, Bixby and all "like-minded" felines]

" Un-Holy Noise" Cat-mas Carol # 12

Un- Ho-ly noise,
the Piglet cat is wail-ing,
the win-dow shut and her capture, complete...

she lazed outside,
all day and in-to night-fall,
then she came in and the exit was closed...

at first she ate, then sat and cleaned her wet paws,
then rattled blinds, howled and fin-a-lly she screams...

"Out ! , I want out...and you
bet-ter make it snap-py !
or else, you'll regret, ever shut-ting me in !
Oh, yes ! you'll re-gre-t ev-er sh-ut-ting me in..."

She, mad as Hell, is sulking on the bed now,
she swat-ted Fluff, made her move, now she sits...
plot-ting her case, and how she will present it, will she be
bold, or go all "pit-i-ful" ....

sul-len-ly, she sulks, with mut-tered bits of grow-ling, her hubris
gro-ws and her pat-ience is gone... with
venge-ful spite, she leaps upon my stomach, her
fishy breath comes hot upon my face...

"I, am the queen ! and what I say is law here ! ... and
NOW, let me OUT... or you'll die, here in this bed.... Let me
OUT ! and RIGHT NOW... or you will die,
he-re in this bed "...

"No," I shout back, reduced to "con-ver-sa-tion , with a
cat... that's a fight no one can win ...
"It's dark outside, and cold, besides it's rain-ing",
of course the logic is lost on "herself"...
She growls and mutters, trying once or twice more,
and each time landing right on top of me...

"You hate-ful thing !" she cries, now try-ing "pite-ous",
"you are so mean to me...why did I ev-er come inside ?"
"You are So mean, why did I ever come, inside ?"

Back to the cor-ner, of the bed, she march-es, she still is
pissed and she bats Fluff for spite...
still she protests, but longer now be-tween yells, she's slow-ing
down and she fights it all the way...

She makes another "round" of all the windows, she
bangs the blinds and calls me ug-ly names...

"I, hate you so..".
"I hope I give you ring-worm, and
fleas, in your bed, and just wait until I barf..."
"you'll be toast...I'll chase your ghost, and I'll be Queen and rule from sea to sea..."

Oh, sleepy cat, now comes and finds her bur-row, in my
arm-pit and she drifts off to sleep...
snoring and twitching, as birdies she is chasing, in dreamy
yard, now her day is complete...

she rolls and stretches forth a single cat claw,
but it's enough to stab and wake me up...
She smiles in sleep, re-venge now is com-plet-ed...
her day, now is done and she snores a little less...
to-mor-row, is an-oth-er da-y, and she i----s sure, she'll win !

[ "O Holy Night"]

"Cat Fight ! " Cat-mas Carol #11

Just hear those
yowling kitties, who claw and mangle and bite...
don't you know that it's a
lovely moment for a full-fledged, screaming, cat fight...
yes things are
nice and noisy, as we hear a chorus or two,
we know it's
just the moment, let the growly cat fight ensue...

Get them out, get them out, get them out of there,
they'll wreck the armoire...
its just been fixed from the "last time"...
Keep them out, keep them out, that's off limits too...
that poor leather chair...
and the plant that's been dumped 8 times,
is a little the worse for wear...

there they go
through the living room, under the table, oh, my...
they're gon-na
break that lamp if they bump it, just one more time...
and still they
roll a-round, bit-ing, kick-ing, shriek-ing, "just die !" ...
it's hard to
think that just a bit a-go, they slept side by side...

I think they're
losing interest, the mayhem level has dropped,
for all the
noise and action, no one seems to be quite dead yet...
they might be
"playing possum", waiting 'til they know the vet's closed
because it's
more fun then, to be a vic-tim, well be-fore dawn...

then we go, then we go to "e-mer-gen-cy",
at 10 times the cost,
after driving 6 miles in the pouring rain...
and the pain, and the gunk of an abcessed paw,
can't wait for the morn...
when the regular vet is in and it
costs less than my 1st born...

so I hope
that these dummies are done, with terror tonight...
I hope they
will just "chill out" and, let's, please, have no more fights...
because I'm
nice and cozy and don't want to deal with cat bites...
it's time for me to go to bed and now, I'll turn out the lights...
[...NOOOOOOOO Cat Fights...]
Good night !

[tune "Sleigh Ride]

"Asleep, on the top shelf..." Cat-mas carol #10

High up on the top shelf,
the Sneaky Pie sleeps, and
dreams, as she snores there,
of good things to eat...

of tur-key scraps, and roast beef, and
fresh hot dog buns...
yes, the buns are her favorite,
but they give her "the runs"...

And, on the floor, hear Gracie snore...
as she sleeps in my way...if I
want to pass, it is "bite my ass,
"there's a crunchie toll to pay..."

now Thomas cat, snoozes peacefully,
unless he smells tur-key...
then he just goes nuts, and he
meows and struts, driving poor me, crazy...

on the sofa back, Lucyfur is "sacked-out" en-
joy-ing her nap, when she
hears the pop of the cat food top,
and she's there to eat in a snap...

and suddenly, they're all here with me,
telling me that they're starved...
no food's passed their lips, for at least a year,
and they're almost "expired"...

so the food goes down, in more ways than one,
on the plates and down their throats....
gobble, gobble, slurp, now and then a burp...
pretty soon it's all gone...

as I look around, lots of tongues I see,
as they wash their paws and faces...
then it's back to stretch, yawn and then, curl up, while back to
"favored" place, someone races...

all is peaceful now, everyone is full,
washed and peace-ful-ly, a-sleep...
too bad it won't last, soon they'll be awake
and I'll be in "doo-doo", deep...


["Away in the Manger", 2nd tune]

...walls

the things we put up, to keep the world,
and others, from knowing us too well...

in the form of an open wall, a fence...
and good ones make good neighbors...

to keep our selves and possessions safe,
contained, untouched...

to keep out those that would ravage,
pillage or take the things we hold dear...

whether for security, or shelter,
walls compartmentalize us...

and separate us from those around us,
even from ourselves...

until, that is, the walls are redone, painted with fresh,
clean paint....

by loving hands, whose caring and gentle hearts,
took down the bitter walls that held in torment and pain...

then helped rebuild, with doors and windows in the old walls
and skillfully used paint to make the "new"/old walls, fresh and clean...
with bright colors and a lot of love...

there are still boxes of cleaning supplies everywhere...
painting is not complete...but, there is progress...

a "yummy" deeply red accent wall...
the dining room ceiling, a taupey gray...
the window wall, sepia tan around the cameo white French Doors...

and a lot of cleaning, scraping, sanding, spackeling ...
and progress...

now these walls no longer divide or hide,
they embrace you...and share His love...

because of the loving way they are being restored...
by helping hands and caring hearts...

and Jesus smiles...

...sigh...

I lost my Mom last January...we knew the end was near...
the struggle was long and hard enough that the peace of death,
was a blessing...

now, the dust has "settled"...memorials are completed,
the estate has been "dealt" with,
her belongings that remained are boxed, or stored away...

and I find myself the last couple of days, on the verge of tears....
missing her...

not the way it was when she was in the last few years,
sick, sometimes not knowing me, in pain...

but the way it was when I was younger, and going home
meant Mom's steamed persimmon pudding, with a hard lemon sauce...
or fruit cake she made herself...I like fruitcake because of it...
the candied orange, lemon and grapefruit peel we made....
her roast turkey, both Thanksgiving and Christmas....
and all the "grandma goodies" for the "grandcats"...

she was always fun to give gifts to,
because she had such definite tastes,
I always knew what she'd like...and she
always loved what I gave her...

after Dad died in 1988, she had about 13 or 14
really happy and comfortable years there on the ranch,
alone, with her dogs and cats...and roses...
and lots of other flowers...

she'd plant zinnias, pansies, stock and portulachas...
the hollyhocks, poppies and sunflowers
came up on their own,flourishing,
until the hot sun got them...

I remember the smell of the leaves of the Australian Oaks, after rain...
the "cover crop" between rows in the vineyards in the spring
and the rich smell of raisins curing in the fall...
touched by the fleeting whiff of the winery in the distance...

the orchard of fruit trees across the road,
filled the air with sweet fragrance in early spring...
and your eyes with the only shade of pink I like,
until the blossoms fell...

in April, the orange trees were intoxicating...
and the sage flourished on the ditchbank,
perfuming all seasons but winter...

the red persimmons decorated the tree into December,
after all the leaves were gone...
and the plumes of lilacs from the older-than-me bush
their perfume, all the more heady after a spring shower...

I know it just sounds like I'm homesick...
and in a way, I am...
Mom was born in the old house,
was married on the front porch, and,
with the exception of about 6 months at the beginning of her marriage,
lived there for all but the last 2 years of her life...

her goal in the convalescent hospital was, "to go home"...
and she succeeded, she had live-in help, but she was home...
for only 6 months...
6 months to clear out generations
from a house your father built...
she wanted to do it, but I think it hurt her spirit
to dismantle her life, bit by bit, day by day...until it was gone...

and too soon, so was she...I drove her from the ranch for the last time...
I heard her cry of anguish as her very soul was ripped away...
she had a room waiting at an assisted living place she knew and loved...
she had planned for this... and was as ready as a person can be...

but she didn't do as well as we had hoped...
she missed the ranch too much...the rhythm of the seasons...
at home, she kept records of rainfall, frosts and heat waves...
at the home in town, she complained that she couldn't see the sky...
and she was right, she couldn't...

Mom was the ranch... it was in her blood...
the separation was too much...
it sapped her of her source of strength,
the connection with the land and nature...

so I guess I'm not just homesick for the ranch,
and all the places and smells I remember...
but there is really nothing to be done for it...
it's no longer there...
but that's not the root of this...
I'll never be there
or with her again, and it hurts...
I guess I just miss my Mom...

...confessions of a klutz...

...I have been known to be "accident prone",
as Mom put it, so intellectually when I was a kid...
I never broke any bones, but not because I didn' try...

I have a 3 inch scar on the back of my head
from splitting it open on a rock at the cabin...
[a concussion and 10 stitches, with enough blood
to traumatize even my brother, who had pushed me...]

I have a"dent" in my leg from being kicked
by the horse I was falling off of...
and limped after for over a mile until I caught it...
[fortunately, my cowboy boots kept my leg
from swelling too badly...until I took them off...]

then there's vollyball... not my favorite sport...
3 times it's zapped me...
in 8th grade, I turned to face our server during a game,
she served a bullet right into my face, breaking my glasses,
cutting my face and cracking my nose...you can still feel the bump...
twice, it got me in college...once as a slip, stand on my head,
hurt for 2 weeks moment...
and once as an ankle 90 degrees from the leg, bad ankle sprain
that had me on crutches for almost a month...

I've had stitches in my arm and hand, as well as my head...
been on crutches numerous times[even had my own...]
worked my way through a number of Ace bandages and slings...
as well as an eye patch that my students thought
made me look like a member of the Raider Nation...

in the last few years, I seem to have moved on to less "athletic" injuries,
mainly because I've become less athletic in my pursuits...
although I have noticed a commonality in the most recent mishaps,
lack of attention or focus to what I'm doing, or just being flaky...

about 8 years ago, I had a bad chest congestion/infection
and went to sleep with a heating pad on low clutched to my chest...
of course, I woke up with a couple of blisters, which were a pain to treat...
left me with a couple of "interesting scars", and no, I'm not showing them to you...

then about 4 years ago, I was home, really sick with the flu...
as I attempted to fix something to eat, so I could keep down the medicine,
I burned my finger on the toaster oven...
then the next day, after cooking some pasta, for the same purpose...
proceeded to splash very hot water on myself,
burning a spot on my stomach, through the night shirt,
about 3 inches long, right at my waist....

that's when I discovered the Adaptic burn pads...
[ a gauze square with a vaseline-like substance on it]...
and I had a couple left over, which turned out to be a good thing...
since Saturday night, to ease a sore back, I slept on a heating pad...

of course, it was double wrapped, set on low...
I changed positions often, even turned it off for a while...
and in the morning... I had a blister on my back...
I somehow managed to bandage it and keep it on...
but when I lay on my back, my default position, it itches...
and now, it's itching all the time, driving me crazy and keeping me "up"...

I only have about 3 or so hours before the drug store is open...
I can get the bandage materials I need, and get someone to dress it...
I can't even see it, but it's broken open and oozing, and did I mention, ITCHING ! ...
so it can't happen soon enough for me...

at least then, the air won't be on it constantly, contributing to the itching...
the worst thing, is that it will have to be dressed daily for days,
and I don't think the kitties can help me there,
so I, "will be relying on the kindness of my friends..."
with any needed apologies to "Blanche DuBois"...
I like my version better anyway...
and to quote my apparent mentor, Homer Simpson, "Doh !"...

...when it rains, it pours...

it's a gray day...the clouds are gathering...
birds seek shelter in the gathering gloom...
they "know" the approaching storm...
their silence in the face of it,
a foreshadowing of it's fury....

the "worst " will hit us Tuesday,
the weather channel touts...
wind, rain, wind chills in the 30's...
the birds are not the only ones
who'll need to be sheltered from this one...

I will hopefully be warm and dry, as will my kitties...
sleeping in front of a roaring fire...
hopeful that all those who need shelter, will find it...
but not certain, for nothing here really is...

a tragic fire could leave you homeless...
we won't even mention the mortgage crisis...
so little here is "permanent", so much "fleeting"
so many just a paycheck away from disaster...

as we enjoy our temporal comforts, our plenty...
let us remember that there are many who have nothing...
or very little of the most basic needs met...
for many, a winter storm means that they will be cold and wet...
and a sleepless night, huddled in the chill...

we can look at a dear friend and say
"whatever I have is yours, if you need it..."
it's much harder to care
for the unwashed, addicted and broken people...
but Jesus cared and we should too...

so as we are enjoying the comforts we've acquired....
let's remember the ones who've fallen through the cracks...
when you hear the "bell ringers", dig deep....
clean out your pantry and take it to the Emergency Food Bank...
take some warm clothes to the Women and Children's Shelter...

you'll enjoy the coziness of the season more,
feeling as though you helped, even just a little bit.....
and Jesus will smile...
what a nice way to celebrate His birth...

...not for sissies...

I live with "several" cats...
and have done so for many years...
the unfortunate part of that is
that given the nature of existence
for we who clamber about on this planet...
the years spent together often mean seeing
the declining, as well as the ascending...

in other words, you watch lovingly as a frisky kitten
becomes a playful cat, and then for years, there they are...
waiting for you to sit down and pet them, for food...
hiding when you need to put on the flea preventative ...
or whenever the carrier comes out,
lest it be them who gets "whisked away" to chéz Vet...

they greet you at the front door when you return,
cuddle whenever you sit down....
they sleep on your bed, [on cold nights, in your face...]
they "accompany" you to the bathroom, run from medication,
complain about almost everything and "fill up" your heart...

then, one day, you begin to notice that they aren't as spry as they once were...
they need help jumping up on the bed or sofa...
they sleep almost all the time and you can feel bones
that you couldn't feel before...

you realize that they are old...you look in their faces
and see a vagueness in the, once, alert eyes....
their gait is unsteady and slow, but the appetite is good,
and they seem happy just to be petted...
which you promise yourself that you will do as much as possible,
for as long as you can...

I've walked this path often the last couple of years...
and the "walks" will only increase as my little group ages...
I see Tippy and Robbie looking increasingly frail...

and I watch... for the signs that it's "time"...
but for now, they seem to get around OK...
they're eating and drinking and "going"...
[not always" where" they should, but they try...]

the last 2 years have found me in too many hospitals...
and though she liked the place she lived,
Mom was surrounded by so many people who were dying...
She told me that most of those who lived there, were "waiting"...
they all knew that they were at "the last stop"...
they would go nowhere else to live, this was it...
the end of their journey...

the indignities that the frail and infirm make do with,
are hard for those of us, still independent, to come to terms with...
we see diapers, catheters, puréed food, walkers, being bathed, being cleaned-up
and being spoken to as if we are "not too bright"...as unbearable...

and for a few who retain their "right mind", it can be,
although they can appreciate that their needs are being met
and that they can no longer "do" for themselves...
they still "rail, against the coming of the night..."

but for most, they are in a blessed haze...
their minds retreating into memory
when the present,
with the impending certainty of death,
becomes too much to bear...

this growing old, whether in cat or person
is not an easy thing...
but I know that it's a natural progression...
Erick Segal wrote "...every true story ends in death..."
our stories are true, there is only one ending...

I've also read that,
"Heaven is where every cat you've ever loved,
greets you at the gate"...
a bit simplistic, but why not ?
In "my idea" of heaven, there is plenty of room...
for beloved pets, for family, for friends,
for dear brothers and sisters in Christ...

it will be so good, then, after our "strife is o're, our battle won"...
when we have finished our time here, with it's trials and joys...
sorrows and triumphs... failures and successes ...
when we have "stayed the course and finished the race..."

the Bible says "...there is a time, for every purpose under heaven..."
and we all have our roles... which change throughout our journey...
one day the giver, the next... the receiver...
one day the independent... the next day.... the dependent...

you have to be strong to age gracefully...
to feel your body weaken, your eyes dim,,,
your mind, not as sharp and your energy sapped...

and even as you must allow, more and more, to accept help
to do what must be done...
you must remain "joyful" as you "disintegrate"...
cheerfully accepting each new season as "a time, that has come..."

no, it's not easy to see loved ones grow old,
or to do it yourself..
gracefully...if you do it right...
it's definitely not for sissies...

... I just had it in my hand...

I was just so sure that I had a couple of paint roller frames...
I had purchased everything I needed weeks ago,
at my local Benjy Moore paint store...
they were on the list, so of course, I had them...

but then why weren't they where I had put them ?
I had sorted all the supplies and the roller covers,
little roller covers and frames were there...
so... where were the regular sized frames
that I knew I had bought ?

we couldn't find the TSP either, although I assured Miz Minka
that I just had it a few days ago...
I described the jug size and shape, the color of the liquid contents...
even when I had moved it in from the office for just this moment...
and it was nowhere....

we moved boxes, drop clothes, cats...
still no TSP...
then Miz Minka, wise woman that she is, suggested,
"why don't you go get another small bottle ?"
"we're sure to find it then..."

It sounded good to me,
so off I went to the Benjy Moore store,
[about 1 mile from my house...]
found the smallest container I could get, bought it
and returned, triumphantly showing Miz Minka
that at least I had been right about what color it was...

as she cleaned the wall to be painted, I busied myself
with moving my massive art collection out of the way...
in my absence, she had finished painting the ceiling,
after cutting in around the edges and trim...
using the small roller and a brush...
because we still hadn't found the regular roller frames...

after moving enough of the framed art to allow for working room
for Miz Artiste [she has beaucoup skills, believe me...]
I sat down briefly to be out of the way...
as we chatted, I was looking at the spot from where the art had been moved,
and what did I spy ? the fugitive TSP jug I had, so fruitlessly sought...
of course, we were done with it for today,
but there would be other days,
but by then I will have misplaced both containers...

as I pointed it out to Miz Minka,
confirming her theory of "lost becoming found if you buy more",
I was torn between wanting to feel good
that I really had put it somewhere in the room,
and feeling senile, because I hadn't been able
to remember where I had put it....

which brings us back to those roller frames...
I was so sure that they had to be there, that I was
accusing J of having "put" them somewhere,
and not telling me where, before he left...

so in the meantime, Miz Artiste is still making do
with a brush and a small roller,
and successfully painting the ceiling...
and the red accent wall...
but then, the "artiste" that she is,
could have probably done a beautiful job
with finger paints or cotton swabs...

so the next day, I'm out and about
and stop by the Benjy Moore store...
at this point in feeding the "money pit",
what's another couple of roller frames anyway ?
[maybe Miz Minka's theory will work on roller frames too...]

so as I look for them in the store, I have a flashback...
remembering being there the first time...
buying long nap roller covers, little roller frames and extra covers...
and then, it hits me...

Suddenly, I know that I never bought the regular roller frames...
I must have been distracted by the little rollers there on the wall,
they weren't on the list ! ...but I needed them...
so I went and got them...
and I never bought the regular roller frames at all...

when Miz Minka hears about this, she'll be nice...
she won't laugh ... not much... HA !
she'll LOL...perhaps ROTFWL... or maybe even TRDMF...
and that's OK...

I've never enjoyed being the one who is being laughed at...
that always really hurts or makes me mad...
but she will be laughing with me, all the while,
we'll shake our heads,in amazement and blame it on middle age...
and besides, at least I know now that I didn't lose them...
I never bought them...that's a victory, I feel better...
anyway, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it...

At least that makes me feel a little more positive
about my diminishing mental acuity ...
I just wish my powers of concentration were better...

now, what was I going to say next...
Darn !...it was on the tip of my tongue...
Oh, look ! a kitty !

...everything old can be new, again...

the saying goes "everything "old" is new, again"...
they also say,"the more things change,
the more they stay the same"
[unfortunately, much more often the case...]

"what goes around, comes around..."
"never throw anything away, it'll come back in style..."
[I can tell you, that's a very hard way to live...]

a person can not grow if they are so surrounded
by the past,or past stuff or bad feelings and guilt,
that they are being smothered
by their own life's debris and failures...

we have to let go, forgive, move on,
reconcile, mend fences or just walk away, without regrets,
if we are to do better than merely survive...

karma,"what goes around comes around"...
you get what you give, reap what you sow...
do unto others, as you would have them do unto you...

but, what about you ?,
the center of the universe ?
OK, so we aren't 2 years old,
and we know that we are certainly
not the center of the universe...
or at least, if we have connected with the Creator,
we are aware of Who is the center of the universe,
but I digress...

if we are to become the person we are meant to be,
we must always grow, and then move on...
but to grow, we must be in that state of grace ,
where God speaks, we listen, we act,
we walk in His paths, being guided and lead by Him...
["...for if we never give our heart to Jesus,
we'll never really have a part with him"...]

to doubt, to fear the future...
is to question Him, and bring roadblocks...
we must work to keep all the stuff we surround ourselves with,
be it clutter, possessions, resentments, addictions,
dark secret shame, hurts and bitterness...
from choking out the joy and possibilities...
it must all be sacrificed on the alter,
along with the offering of our hearts and lives daily,
to do us any lasting good...
["Take my life and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee"...]

people hurt each other,
the closer they are to you,
the more they can hurt you...
but we must forgive and move on,
learning to trust again, even more deeply...
we must also forgive and love ourselves, as Jesus does...
or the darkness we embrace
will block out the light we seek...

like a room, rescued from clutter,
walls freshly and lovingly painted,
floors polished, new rugs and furniture arranged with care...
then everything old can be new again...

and He promises us that "New Day", every day...
we just have to do our part,
clear away the stuff, let it go...
wounded hearts, bruised lives, broken promises....
just pile it up and walk away,
away from the dark,
into the "light".....

then, truly,
"everything old is new, again"...
and you are filled with joy
and a new sense of peace and purpose,
and Jesus smiles with you...

...nyah,nyah...

my mother's mother was my "Grandma Grace"...
everyone called her Grace, her middle name...
I was sooo lucky to get that as my middle name too...
[sort of like having your room painted pink, "for you"...]
of course it might have been worse,
her first name was "Lola"....

I'm told that my first name also means, "Grace"...
upon discovering this,
my classmates would dub me "Grace Grace",
and the battle was joined...

I've "mellowed" a lot since then,
but back then,
I would react to being made fun of,
just the way they wanted me to...

I would get mad, get in fights, yell
and generally try to "make them stop"
or "make them sorry"...
that NEVER works....
but I didn't know that then...

they would cackle with glee as my face got redder...
I would sputter with the effort of finding something, anything,
awful enough, to say that would show them !
[I was fighting for my dignity, although I didn't realize it then...]

It's so easy for an adult to see a child being tormented and say,
"they'll get over it" or "kids are just mean to each other like that, it'll be OK...
but if kids don't see adults stopping the verbal carnage,
they see it as tacit approval,
and the "victim" wears a target for a loooong time...

if your peers tell you you're worthless often enough,
of no consequence,
and of no importance to them as a person worthy of respect...
it's almost impossible to not start believing
what they are telling you about yourself...
and then you're lost...
in the dark places no light seems to reach...
where having the name "Grace" seems a cruel joke...

when I taught, students were not allowed to pick on each other in my presence...
when playing tests took place, [in class, in front of each other],
no one was allowed to laugh or make fun of anyone's efforts...
on pain of a really bad grade...

if someone was being bullied or threatened,
I would escort them to the AP or councilor's office
and make sure that "conflict resolution" was begun...
then I would follow up, so no one "slipped through the cracks"
in the overburdened system...

disparaging remarks of a personal nature were not allowed...
I discovered that the students liked that atmosphere...
they could let their guard down and just be themselves more...

was my classroom a haven of peace ?
of course not...it was jr. high, after all...
but there were more good feelings than bad,
and when I could no longer create that kind of learning environment,
because the kids wouldn't buy in anymore, I retired...

these days, my life is conforming more to the ideal
of living up to my middle name
[and the meaning of my first...]

the struggle for dignity and acceptance goes on,
but in new ways, with much better results...

instead of having to fight some detractor tooth and nail
for my sense of who I am
and the respect I know I deserve,
the love and sense of belonging, I've craved

I have only to look in my Creator's eyes ,
to see myself as He sees me...
as I am becoming...
and I'm home free...

you ask ,"how can I do that ?"...
it's easy, when He sends His friends to be those eyes,
gleaming with His Love and acceptence...
then, " the struggle over....
comes the peace..."

Things that make me smile...

1. sleepy cats in a sunny window...
2. students, bursting from a classroom at the end of the last day of school before a break...
3. walking into my kitchen, and smelling something good simmering away...
4. watching the people take communion at my church...
5. e-mail from a friend...
6. Piglet my cat, snoring away, next to me in my bed...
7, a phone call from a person I actually know, who's not asking for a donation...
8. looking up and seeing a friend...
9. "What Sweeter Music", by John Rutter, one of my favorite choral pieces ever...
10. an actual letter from a friend, not an assembly line card, but real words from them to me...
11. the lights in church, coming on at midnight for Easter...
12. Dearest Dragonfly, at the keyboard or podium, sharing her gift...
13. feeling much love from dear friends...
14. a cat crawling into my arms, purring, wanting to be held...
15. the trees that still have leaves, red , orange-y, yellow, bronze,gold, a kaleidoscope of color as they fall...
16. being in the church, alone, and just sitting there...
17. the "sudden" light that appeared behind Jesus in the alter window when we were rehearsing Saturday...
18. the choir's reaction to the illuminated Lord...
19. the realization of how far I've come in a couple of weeks...
20. the realization of where I will be going...
21. being so thankful for friends who are caring and listen to that small voice...
22. seeing people I care about realize their potential in every way...
23. seeing excitement on the faces of people who are achieving, and want more...
24. feeling peace with the path I'm on...
25. feeling hope for the future, for the first time in a very long time...
26. and a newly painted,"Deeply Red" accent wall in the dining room, [along with half the ceiling (not red...)] ,thanks to the paintbrush artistry of Mz Minka : )

..." a little light musings"

I live next door, to Unkle Phil,
a confirmed Christmas decoration addict...

over the nearly 20 years I've been here,
I could always tell that the holidays were approaching
by the "gathering" on the 2nd story and roof of his house,
[not to mention the yard and porch]...

no cheesy Santa and Reindeer for him...
but a neon nativity...
complete with angel and star...

and the lights that have, at times,
"chased", as well as twinkled,
and always created a spectacular, nightly light-show
for my midnight "glass of water" forays into my kitchen...
[which faces his house...]

there have been larger than life-size toy soldiers, guarding the walk,
surrounded by large candy canes stuck in the ground...

generally massive clusters of white lights in the liquid amber tree,
taking the place of the recently vacated leaves...

bunches of colorful lights all around the porch...
a good size lighted tree in the stairwell,
as well as in the living room...

but always, lights... and more lights...

when Clement Moore wrote in"The Night Before Christmas"
"brings the luster of mid day to objects below...",
he could have been speaking of Unkle Phils'
spectacular "candle foot" output
and "Christmas Creativity"......

[I'm sure he gets a big "thank you" card from the electric service provider...]


So, I know that the season is , again, upon us...
I've seen him on a ladder...
I'm seeing the lights go up everywhere...

I even saw him at the church, up on a ladder,
putting the star on the tree in the Guild Hall...

he's really got the "spirit" going now...
so it won't be long , until I can turn off my lights,
and bask in the holiday "glow"...

...working without a net...

Musicians have an "interesting" existence, to say the least...
we spend most of our youth in a room practicing...
or playing and singing in groups...
we obsess over details, work through pain
and compete for jobs, positions, solos and ultimately, fame...
[ or at least, a steady gig ...]

as we get older,and wiser as musicians,
we sometimes have a hard time finding
good groups to be a part of...
this is exacerbated by the fact that
if we have been a professional for most of our musical lives
by the time we have the time to be in a group,
because we want to be there...
a group that we can really enjoy on a musical level...
we often can no longer physically do what we "do"
well enough to be in the groups
that are good enough, to satisfy the musical tastes
we have acquired over our lifetime of learning...

this is where I have been blessed,
beyond any understanding that I have...
I am privileged to make beautiful choral music
with a group of talented, sensitive musicians,
who put aside their individual egos
to blend their voices and souls into a group
where the whole is truly greater than the sum of its' parts...
being a part of this melding of mind and talent
into a beautiful sound is a unique and humbling, experience...

over the last 7 years, I have seen the molding
of this diverse group of singers...
some professional musicians,
some classically trained, but not "working" musicians,
some devoted, talented and passionate choral musicians
and some who just enjoy singing and are good at it...
into a group, that functions as an entity unto itself...

they have grown together as a group
that functions for the good of the whole,
they have learned to listen, to blend,
to modulate voices so none,
not even the several very trained voices,
protrude from the whole sound...
they strive for "that sound",
it's now in their choral DNA...
I love being in this group...
blending my talents and passion with my dear friends...
I love singing, as a part of the "group"...

so why tonight, as we presented our
"Lessons & Carols" service, wasn't I in the choir ?

because the twists of fate had placed me
in front of the group....
our beloved leader and architect of "the sound",
was called to new things last summer...
and I resisted coming out of the choir...
for I loved being in and of" the sound"....
and, in most cases...the leader shouldn't sing...

so I was sure, I was singing, and that, was that...
but there were difficulties...
our new organist could not play and conduct,
and there was no one else to play...
our treasured sound, was there...needing a facilitator to bring it out...
that's when I started channeling our former leader...

at first, it seemed a coincidence, then it became clear...
I couldn't avoid this, I had to step out of the safety of the group
and work "without a net"... take the plunge...for the "sound"...
do something totally new and scary for me...
I had to be the director for our choir in the Lessons & Carols service...

I did jr. high band and orchestra for 17 years
and did a year of elementary "choir"...
but this was not the same...
this was "the sound" I loved being a part of,
and I had to conquer my fear of messing it up...
as well as my need to help create "the sound" by singing...
so I made up my mind, accepted the change and did the best I could do,
and wonder of wonders, "the sound" is still alive and well...
I was able to help keep our "sound" going, I didn't "mess it up"...

singing... blending my voice and soul
with my fellow singers as part of the choir,
is still my first choice of places to be,
but when you can mold that sound and you get to work
with the talent, and sweet spirits of my dear friends,
this directing thing, it's a pretty good place to be too...