...trying to let go, again

I've found myself in some strange places...
especially since the financial ruin set in...
but none stranger than this...
because since the 6 phone calls from creditors on Sunday...
there have been none, zero, nada, zip...

which leaves me feeling a bit weary...
of what might be next...

this has been a bumpy path for the last 2 months especially...
with an average of 6 to 8 creditor calls a day...
from 4 or 5 different callers & I don't respond to them at all...
but they have persisted until now...
taking off Thanksgiving, but returning with gusto the next day...

due to several factors, I have become more isolated...
finding myself following harder and more lonely paths...
but this has forced me to see more of God...
leaning more on Him than myself or others...

finding the path I'm following a real test of my faith...
and a totally revamping of my priorities and values...

from time to time, I find myself at what appears to be an impasse...
with no way out, darkness & fear closing in...
and the searing pain of my numerous failures gnawing at my soul...
and then, I turn to Him...

trusting in His protection & guidance...
and the peace comes, wiping out the fear & pain...

a pathway that I had not seen there before...
is there...
no fanfare, or miraculous moments...
just quietly there...

and I continue...

today, I was prompted to remember my battle with cancer...
how safe I felt after I "embraced my fear"...

and the devotional reading for today spoke of embracing the cross...
how we must accept Christ's death as the central focus of our walk...
then we can embrace our own cross, our pain, fear and loneliness...
the same thought appeared in Fr Tb's sermon at midday mass...
in honor of St Andrew, who is depicted as embracing his own cross...

a random thought once...
but appearing 3 times in the space of 3 hours...
that's more like a message...
directly to me...

to embrace the pain of my mistakes in relationships and finances...
to accept the way things are with thankfulness for God's leading...
most assuredly to hope and pray for God's grace to heal the damage...
and to change me from within, into who I should be...

but then, I've thought that I was changing before...
and have been disappointed in myself & my return to bad habits...

only God can heal me and mend the problems that I've caused...
the question is, will I let Him...
can I stay out of the way, shut up & let go of what I want...
and accept what He gives...

joyfully, allowing my entire self to be transformed...

by His grace, I pray that I will...