Saturday, May 31, 2008

...how did I miss it ?




sometimes....

I am just

amazed...

by how

simple

it all can be...



up until sometime in college...
I thought that I just wanted to be happy...
very simple...
find the person who would love me...
and that would "do it"...

but whenever I sat with my friends...
musing on "the future"...
who they saw me as, was the opposite
of how I saw myself...

I saw myself as shy and caring...
they all considered me
both "needy" and "unlovable"...

that was the beginning of my realization
of who I really was...
and just how complicated ...
how much a puzzle I was...

[not that there is anything wrong
with being a "puzzle"...
I just didn't handle it well...
I let "solving" it consume me...
some "puzzles" are fascinating ...
and can be appreciated, without being "solved"...]

and so, it would continue...
for the next 40 years...
I would try to "figure things out"...
search for the "right things to say"...
so that people would like me...
to "solve" the puzzle...

but I was always wrong...
things might start out OK....
but didn't stay that way for long...
somehow, I'd always try too hard...
loose control, and "mess things up"...

being "complicated"...
"eccentric"... "unique"...
didn't make me any friends...
but it gave me "reasonable" excuses
for harboring anger, fear, selfishness...
and, in general micro-managing myself
into that now famous "hole"...

after all... it wasn't really my fault...
[or so I kept telling myself...]
I was just too "complicated"...
too hard to deal with...

just too much trouble...
for most people anyway...
if they didn't like me...
it was their loss...
[anyway, that was my story...
and I stuck to it...]

now, don't get me wrong...
I AM quite complicated...
and I relish my eccentricities...
I have a myriad of interests...
what can intrigue me one day...
can be of little importance the next...
I'm not flaky...just pragmatic...

I enjoy being "myself"...
being different...
but the way I've attempted to deal with people
has been the problem...

so few people could "accept" me...
as I was... that I always had to finagle...
hoping to find acceptance...
always disappointed... usually, rejected...

so, I have had real "trust issues"...
and needed to have assurance...
and that's where the micro-managing
got me into trouble...

then...just Friday evening, during my walk...
that little voice spoke to me..
it said,"you don't have to figure it out...
just leave it to me..."

it was like being hit with a lightning bolt...

so clear... so simple...

if I just trust Him...
to make order from chaos....
harmony from dissonance...
to provide all my needs...
and give me peace...

then I stay out of it...

I don't scheme or manipulate...
and end up taking it all "back" from God...
so I can "fix it"...
[totally screwing it up...]

this is not a new concept for me...
but it is a concept that's time has finally come...

when I let Him untie all the knots left behind
from the anger, sadness, failure, fear and isolation...
all the strings I used to try to control...
and remove that tangled mess...
suddenly... it IS simple...

because He loves me...
I'm free to love others...
and let them love me...
no strings attached...

no more "micro-managing"...
"trying to understand" someone...
so I can "do the right thing"...
being afraid I'll "do the wrong thing"...
ending-up in a convoluted mess...

now, perhaps my friends...
[and a small "long-suffering", group they are...]
can appreciate my "uniqueness"...
my vast and varied catalog of interests...
without being "herded"...
as if by a maniacal, overeager border collie....
[with apologies to Lucy...]

I guess the fact that I have had "nothing to say"...
for quite a while was emblematic
of that which was "percolating"...
"to do less... and just "be"...

for those of you who were enjoying the silence...
[and I don't blame you a bit...]
I have a feeling that you'll appreciate what's next...
because I have a real peace about this...

1 comment:

us300 said...

By the GRACE of God, we are who we are. I am thankful that you share your thoughts with the world, and am blessed to know you.

Godspeed