...finding yourself in Neverland

as a child, I loved Peter Pan...
the idea of finding a place where you would "never grow up"...
didn't appeal to me though...
I wanted to be older...
to get "on with it"...
I didn't like being a child with all the restrictions...



so, mindless of time passing...
I moved on...
did what I wanted & figured that there "would be time"...
later...
for anything I missed...

it seems as though I've hardly blinked...
and now... it is "later"...

I find myself in a different kind of "never" land...

when I hear people make plans...
plans for a new car... a trip...
just what they will watch on TV tonight...
the "nevers" hit me hard...

because I know that I'll never buy another car...
I can't afford to go on a vacation...
and if I sell my TV to try & stay afloat...
I'll never be able to afford another one...
[I've already given-up cable...]

I know that God has a plan...but He's telling me to wait...

and in the meantime, I'm watching everything dwindle down to nothing...

very aware that I could lose my home if something doesn't change soon...
and with the house, would go my ability to keep my cats & the dog...
and then there's the debt I saddled myself with...

I have a pension...
all my creditors will be happy to garnish it...
and then, I'll be homeless...

I "never" thought that I would come to this...
and in this economy...
everyone has enough problems taking care of themselves...
so I am truly, on my own...
as what little family I have left doesn't care about me...

it's all going away...
and never coming back...
the life I thought I'd have in my "retirement"years...

so I putter around...
"re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic"...

I'd be happy to work and earn my keep...
but I seem un-employable for so many reasons...

I keep waiting on that front, too...

trying to be calm and trust Him...

but I have this headache that comes sometimes...
and doesn't stop...
and a queasy feeling in my stomach...



it's all so surreal...

I look around and become aware of "last times"...
and, "never again"....

and look up for hope & help...
because I find myself very much alone down here...



alone, that is except for the demons that constantly harass me...
disturb my peace...and laugh at me...
I'm hanging on by my fingernails...
I need a miracle... now...

I'm trying so hard to be grateful for all His blessings...
and to joyfully wait for the next miracle...
perhaps I have to hit bottom before I can get out of this...
I do believe that God is good...
I wish that I was smarter & a better person...
or that I'd just learn my lesson NOW...
so we can move on...