...unchartered lands

on November 25, 2007, I crawled out of the hole I'd been hiding in...

I had help... God sent some caring people to show me the way out...
and things have been, "interesting", ever since...

C.S.Lewis observed that in his life...
when things seemed to be going too well...
that's when the the learning phase, the growth phase would begin...
often, by turning everything upside down...
and dumping him into a world of anger, fear & pain...

in the last 2 years...

I've experienced unbelievable joy...
and unbelievable sorrow & pain...

the quiet perfection of rewarded faith...
of things hoped & prayed for, happening against all odds...

the cold shock of grief at the realizations of all my sins...
the sickening failures of my attempts to improve my character...
the clutch of fear & panic as the cold reality of my actions...
became all too clear and nauseatingly real...

the lessons attempted, failed, attempted again...
and failed again...

and with each attempt & failure, I see how much farther I have to go...
the task becoming more daunting with each revelation...

for a while, these realizations would so depress me...
I came close to just packing it in...
lashing out at those who tried to help me...
completely oblivious of the effect I was having on them...
hiding away again so I," couldn't hurt others, any more..."
[an excuse for not dealing with the problem]
but the God of hope, who had revealed Himself to me 2 years ago...
wouldn't let me quit...

in reality, I was protecting myself[as usual]...
from the pain and shame of seeing the unvarnished truth...
of seeing just how screwed-up I was...

the realization of the whole truth was devastating...
but after some time had dimmed the intensity...

I realized that, as awful as I was, I was His...
and if I would let Him... He would fix me...
make me new... heal the broken, twisted spirit...
make the crooked, straight... the rough places, smooth...

put me in a situation where I could earn my living, pay off my debts...
take proper care of all the gifts He's blessed me with...
be in a position to do the work He has planned for me...
and NOT be a stumbling block or toxic presence in the lives of those I care for...

but it had to be His doing...
as I have proven myself untrustworthy many times...
weak, self-centered and focused not on Him and His will for me...
but on my own selfish desires for love, acceptance and all the "good things"....

so as I look back over these past 2 years...

I'm thankful for so much...

for those who cared enough to help me...
for those who have prayed for me & my financial mess...
for those who have listened to me...
for those who have told me the terrible truth about my behavior...
and how destructive it is to a relationship...

this last part may seem a strange thing to be thankful for...
but I've NEVER wanted to be oblivious to my own problems...
and, unfortunately, for nearly all of my life, have been to this one...
driving away most of those who cared for me in the process...

if I still used the kind of language I used to...
I'd say that I was,"full of s***"...

so coming face to face with the unvarnished effects of my actions...
was horribly ugly, but instead of just another painful failure...
it was truly a blessing...because it woke me up to my selfishness...
made me face the sin I tried to hide from...
gave me a chance to be healed...

as I re-read some posts, as well as many post comments and e-mails...
that I wrote over the last 2 years...
I cringe at some of the glibness, the cavalier smart ass...
anything for a cheap laugh, the smirking "... aren't I clever ?"
the egocentric, narcissistic point of view that often crossed the line...
that missed completely what the other might have been thinking or feeling...
or needed or wanted to hear or see in print...

that I was being self-centered never occurred to me..
it was all about me, my thoughts, needs, feelings...
yes, this particular post is about me...
but then, this is my blog...
blogs are online journals...
this is where it can be,"all about me"...
and the reader can just dismiss me as a self-serving jerk...

I'm also not taking a shot at anyone but myself...
just accepting the blame for my own bad actions...
and since it's my blog, I am not invading anyone's space but mine...
nor am I being "cute" or glib... just honest...

interpersonal relationships can not be all about self...
or they are neither "interpersonal" or a "relationship"...
just more narcissistic blather...
and a real "pain in the a**" for the other person...

much more trouble than anything is worth...

so during the last few months, I've finally began to see the "enemy"...
and it was looking back at me from my mirror...
one of "BC's" minions...
doing its work, creating strife...

now, I've gone through a lot of self-loathing in my life...
blaming myself for all my failures, hiding away...
when I really felt, deep down, that it,"wasn't my fault"...
"nobody liked me", "they picked on me"...
"after all, I deserved some happiness, some of the good things..."
"someone to love me, who appreciated me, so I wouldn't be alone, anymore..."

someone real, not cerebral, like God...
other people were happy... why not me ?

so it was always a big-time pity party...
with me feeling the sorriest for me...
continuing to wallow in self-pity...
nursing my wounded pride & massive ego...

[as I said before,"... full of s***"...]

I don't know why it took 60 years for me to see it...
but I had to get to a place where I valued something enough...
that I wouldn't just,"get mad", say," to H*** with them", and leave...
keeping myself squarely in the center of my own little universe...

perhaps God had done just enough work in my heart...
that He could rip the bandage off, exposing the corruption below...
letting the festering mess drain, excising the necrotic tissue...
so I could let Him heal me this time, for good...

to take away the self-centered, hyper-emotional, effluvia...
the needy urge to make myself feel loved, feel included...
disregarding completely the needs or feelings of anyone else involved...
as long as I serviced my own distorted vision of my needs...

like most narcissists, all I could see was me & my feelings...

I didn't realize just how obnoxious,["full of s***"]I was being...
I was included, it was fun, I was enjoying the feelings I was having...
and completely ignored the effect my unconsidered actions were having on others...
and it's not as if I hadn't been told...
over and over, just how obnoxious, smothering, invasive & annoying I was being...

I often didn't hear... and when hearing, didn't understand...
and paid an awful price...

unfortunately, this destructive a situation wreaks havoc on all sides...

as I began to truly see my problem...
God began to reveal the damage that I had done to others to me...

it was NOT a good time... and has taken a while to work through with Him...
just what I have to allow Him to do in my heart & mind...
what is needed to detox my personality...

it is NOT lost on me that this, is probably the reason...
that I don't yet have a job...
I used to think that it was just my money attitudes that God needed me to change...
then the job would come...
now, on the eve of the 2nd anniversary of my rebirth in Him...
I understand that He wants a totally different me...

one that trusts Him for all my needs...
enough so that I don't smother friends with my neediness...
that I can accept and love all those that He gives me to love...
in His way, which is best for them, not mine, which is best for me...

that I can of my own scheming, take-care-of-myself-first ways...
accomplish nothing He's interested in...
and in reality, it causes more harm than help...
that my compartmentalizing, focusing intently on a few things...
ignoring the rest, is NOT loving or productive...
and in the case of people, absolutely deadly...

I know that there is more insight to be had...
but I must learn to leave the work to Him...

so I'm still a work in progress...
but at least now I'm beginning to understand that it's His work...
and therefore, His progress...

it may take the rest of my life...
but I know that I don't want to be anywhere ...
or be anyone that is not in His will for me...

I've definitely had enough of causing aggravation & pain to those I care about...
to those I've angered, annoyed, pissed-off or chased away...
I am sorry, but you were a needed tool to "get my attention"...
thank you for continuing the wake-up calls, until I heard it...

I hope that someday, you can forgive me for all my self-centered crap...

in the mean time, I wait, and watch Him work...
I pray that I can accept gracefully all the changes He's making...
I don't want to be "here" again... as least, not like this...
I want to be better...
and a whole lot easier to be around...

so I wait, calm & trusting in the face of losing everything...
because He has promised to provide for me, I believe that He will...
He has also promised that all things can be made new...
in His time & way... I believe that if I trust and obey, He will...

for me, it would be impossible, for Him, a walk in the park...
as long as I believe and allow Him to work His will in me...
I hope... for "the job"... a better, more people-friendly me...
I hope... and trust... and believe...

God is good, all the time...

...the little unexpected blessings

over the last few weeks, I have waited...

God is very clear to me that He will provide all my needs...
but I must wait expectantly...
& with a thankful heart...
for His plans to be revealed...

the last several months have been a time of growth...
which is never easy, and at times, quite painful...
as I become more and more aware of my failures...
the folly of my actions and their consequences...

the more I learn about my mistakes and shortcomings...
the more I see the need for further changes...
which could lead me into a severe depression, as it did last summer...
and with only a promise of a solution...
and a real deadline looming...
I'm learning that I must fight the fear with trust...

NOT an easy thing, when all supply seems to have failed...

but during these last few weeks, some quiet...
unexpected, but good, things have happened...
things that have truly blessed me...
and given me hope & the courage to see this through...

first, there was the happy discovery...
that my mortgage payment would "skip" November...
then there was my car insurance premium that dropped by $145...
then, the utility bill for November, that was only $86...
[it's usually $106, reduced from $130...
due to their "low income" plan I qualified for...]

last week, I got my city utility bill...
[water, sewer, garbage, garden refuse]
it was only $89 for November...
it was $160 in October & $200 during the summer months...

I can't remember the last time it was so low...

it's as if God is stretching out my available funds...

I went grocery shopping on Saturday...

and though I couldn't afford a turkey [in any form...]
or any of my favorite seasonal delights...
ie eggnog, sigh...

I found a number of things I really needed...
either half-price or on sale...
most were not advertised...
so if I hadn't been "hunting"...
I wouldn't have found them...
[I have to admit, I do enjoy the "hunt"]

I should mention here that I had intended to go on Friday...
but was told to "wait"...
who knows what the difference in one day was...
I just know that it was a fruitful trip...
[and the last one for quite a while...]

the quietest blessing came this morning...

I'd been at a Renaissance group rehearsal last night...
I don't sing in every piece, since I'm the newest singer...
[BTW, just listening to the 4 of them sing the Byrd, "O Magnum..."
is a blessing all on it's own... pure purple velvet...]

so while the others were rehearsing...
[some 4 part pieces that they've done before...]
I was visiting with Mr GT ...
& enjoying some of his freshly squeezed OJ in my tea...
[I do SO love the pulp, but most OJ is too acid for me...]

I told him how I had gotten some low-acid OJ at half price...
but couldn't afford the oranges themselves, [they're never ripe anyway...]
so he offered me some of the oranges he "gleans" from his clients...
and I offered him some of my Meyer lemons...
[it's a "country thing", trading harvest bounty...]

we agreed to "a few oranges..."& "just a few lemons[6-12]"...
[citrus stores well in a cold place, not a warm house or apartment...]
the oranges & lemons are just starting to get ripe now...
and will be ripening on trees into March...

later, when I returned to the rehearsal from the restroom...
there was a bag with 6 oranges by my chair...



this morning, I peeled one for breakfast...
tossing the peel into my bedroom trash can...
it was SO ripe, juicy, sweet & mild...
the perfect orange for my sensitive system...

it also had 4 seeds, which I saved & planted...
placing the pot on a sunny window sill in my kitchen...
next to the grapefruit seedlings from last summer...
then, when I went back into my bedroom...
I was greeted with the fragrant scent from the orange peel in the trash...
a double blessing...

and that's the way it's been going lately...

little blessings, that keep blessing...

thanks again to all of you who have been...
and still are, praying for me...
you are also part of those "little blessings"...
and I pray that God will richly bless all of you...
in all you do, for your kind & caring spirits...

God is SO good, all the time...

...catching the light

I was determined to try to capture that moment...
when the angle of the declining sun...
set the foliage afire in it's autumn splendor...
I'd missed it twice, so I planned ahead...



and arrived at the park, sometime after 3 PM...
while the sun was still, "overhead"...



and shadows were just starting to lengthen...



and the leaves were just starting to glow...



as it progressed, the angle of light illuminated the trees...
& sent beams of sunlight across the grass that had been in shadow...



immolating the outstretched arms of trees...
dappling the trunks and ground with shadow & light shafts...



as I turned for home, the sun now low enough to light only tree tops...
lit up the turning leaves down the street...
making a kaleidoscope of distant trees...



now, with the sun rapidly dropping...
only the leaves of trees on my street were lit...
but what lighting !

I walked on into the deepening shadows...
accompanied by the loud chatter of birds...
settling into the sun-lit leaves for the night...
a raucous, but joyful establishment of the best roosting places...



the final glory... a Chinese pistachio across the street...

between a dead sycamore and a power pole...
amidst more than the usual residential clutter...
it blazes away, consumed in the final moments of the light...
much more intensely than at any other time of the day...
when it merely smolders...

God is good...All the time...
but especially in the fall...

...requiescat in pace, Deacon Millie

remembering Millie with thanksgiving...

for a life well-lived...
a fight well-fought...
a journey complete...
sufferings over...

at home now, with Jesus...

rest in peace...
we will miss you, but look forward to seeing you again...

...another little "miracle" ?

cell phones... we all use them...
and dealing with various cell companies can be ugly...

however, I really like my current phone...



it's a Sprint Treo 755p, "smart phone"...
and since I don't have an ISP at home anymore...
it's been my link to e-mail at home or on the go...
and since my home phone is NOT working properly right now...
[and isn't getting fixed any time soon...]
it's become very important to me...

several months ago...
I went to the web site and removed the insurance...
[$7 per/mo....anything to save money...]

my plan [Fair & Flexible 300] includes :

nationwide long distance...
unlimited nights & weekends...
300 anytime minutes... for $35p/m
a small data package[online + texts] for $15p/m

all taxes, etc included...

BUT... my contract was expiring 12/02/09...
and when investigating all the e-mail offers to "re-up"...
everything was, "upgrade your phone"[$$$]
and the cheapest plan listed that allowed internet access...
WAS $ 90 !!! p/m...

I didn't need a "new" phone...mine is working fine...
it cost $600... and hopefully has years left...
[it's also my datebook & phone book...
I have 10 years of records on my computer in Palm OS...
I don't want to re-do everything, nor can I afford to...]

and when I used the Sprint usage calculator on the website...
my current plan fit perfectly...

But they no longer offer it...

according to the website, I'd need to buy a new phone...
& a more expensive service plan...

so I called... navigating a pretty simple menu...
[that was refreshing...]
and got quickly connected [what's up with that ?]...
to a friendly customer service person who was obviously NOT in India...[?]

I gave her my info, she made sure that I, was "really me"...
and then asked what she could do to help me...

I told her that my current contract was about to expire...
that my phone worked and I wanted to keep it...
she said, "no problem"...
she did tell me that because of my history with the company...
if I had wanted to "upgrade", I could get the $150 off deal...
[not bad, usually, returning customers have to pay full price...]

I then went on to ask if I could renew my current plan...
and she said,"yes, as long as continue to use a phone...
that is supported by the small data bundle[ie,NOT a touch screen]...
I could continue to renew my current plan..."

she also checked my usage and said...
"You're right, your current plan is the best plan for you..."

AND... then she said,"As a loyalty reward, if you renew for 2 more years...
we will give you a choice of $50 off once...
OR 10% of your bill, each month, FOR 2 YEARS !"
"I'd take the 10% for 2 years, if I were you..."

since I had prepared myself to barter for a 4 year contract...
if I could convince them to let me keep my phone & plan...
I was thrilled !

so now, my cell phone bill will only be around $45 p/m...

with all the features I listed before...

their cheapest new plan was $29.99 p/m...
for 200 minutes and no internet...

and if I need a new phone at anytime in the future ?

she told me that they still carry Treo 755ps...
and as long as I stay with that phone or its ilk...
I can keep my cheap plan...



thanks, Sprint !

and thanks to Him who sends the "little miracles"...

God is good, all the time...

...savoring the "waiting" moments

I love fall...

and even though this year's foliage is not as spectacular as last's...
I'm having an attack of "click-click fever"...
and have been out & about, trying to capture the light & colors...
before they are gone with a storm...



the "Narnia tree"...is just starting to color...
[I call it that because of the lamp post...]
2 years ago, before I got used to carrying my camera...
it took my breath away one evening, illuminated by the lamp light...



last year, I discovered "Macro"...
this year, it's "Infinity + Zoom"...
[I should probably carry my unipod for stability...]



I was trying for the "Trees Aglow" from the day before...
but had to accept that some moments don't repeat...
just because you missed the chance or you'd like them to...
sadly, true for more than just "photo-ops"...



so I wait, having had it made clear to me...
that I will receive guidance on the employment front...
and that when I'm told what to do, I must follow the instructions...
but until then, I must wait, anticipating wonderful things to come...

not a bad mind set with which to enter Advent[starting Nov.29]...

I fill my days with the little things...
the simple things... those "details" that God loves...
& practice being thankful for everything...
pleasant or not, as it all is part of the plan...

and wait...

God is good, All the time...

...believe, utterly

it was after 4 PM yesterday afternoon...
as I drove home from the church...
through the bright fall sunshine...
the sun was quickly dropping low in the west...

towards the end of the 2 mile journey...
I headed west, towards the park...
under a canopy of red, orange & yellow leaves...
with the setting sun turning them into translucent art pieces...

at the park, as I turned onto my street...
the sun's declining rays were creating an irresistible glow...
so as soon as I had parked in my driveway...
I got out my camera and gimped back down to the park...

by the time I got there...
the moment of splendor had passed...

though I did catch this glimpse of the setting sun...
as fishermen and wanderers passed by on their way home...
hurrying now, since the lowering sun and lessening of light...
were turning the deepening gloaming, rather chill...

I walked back home, hoping that I had captured at least a bit...
of the glory I had reveled in all the way home...
knowing that tonight, a storm is coming...
and the bright celebrations of autumn will be too soon gone...

I've been re-reading my posts from last year at this time...

I was so worried about Mack, who was at death's door...
He's completely recovered now...
thanks to the many prayers for his recovery...
but I mentioned Gracie, who would be gone so suddenly in December...
and Frickie, Creamer & Mattie who have also now gone ahead...

deepening the sense of loss and bungled chances...
emphasizing just how quickly our circumstances can change...
and how, much of that which concerns me now...
was not even on my mind then...

it makes me wonder what each new day will bring...

November 25, the day before Thanksgiving this year...
is not only Molly's 3rd birthday...
but also the 2nd anniversary of the beginning of a new life for me...
a life of trust... & change at my most basic level...
much of which is still in the messy, "construction" phase...
and not always pleasant to be around...

where I'm seemingly called to believe, utterly...

to have no other source than Him...

to "rest"... and "wait"... and "trust"...
in His saving power & provision...

no fear for the future... or anything in it...
only rest, trust & courage...

not an easy self to become...
but He's promised to see me through...

"...the Lord giveth, the Lord takest away...
Blessed be the Name of the Lord..."

God IS good... ALL the time...