...the usual suspects, part deux

I'll get you, my pretty... and your little dog too...heh,heh... [Gracie]


ha, ha... closed my eyes at the last moment !... [Lucyfur]


oh,oh... run for it ...Gracie's coming back ! [Sneaky Pie, Murphy Brown]


you are VERY sleepy...you are in my power... pet me NOW ! [Lacy]


[*sniff*] how could you SAY that about innocent, cute little me ? [Gracie]


I WAS asleep.... [Cagney]


Darn ! now I'm awake...and I have to "go".... [Cagney]


you do the "Hokey-Pokey".... [Charlie, Lucyfur, Frick & Mattie ]

...how did I miss it ?

sometimes....

I am just

amazed...

by how

simple

it all can be...



up until sometime in college...
I thought that I just wanted to be happy...
very simple...
find the person who would love me...
and that would "do it"...

but whenever I sat with my friends...
musing on "the future"...
who they saw me as, was the opposite
of how I saw myself...

I saw myself as shy and caring...
they all considered me
both "needy" and "unlovable"...

that was the beginning of my realization
of who I really was...
and just how complicated ...
how much a puzzle I was...

[not that there is anything wrong
with being a "puzzle"...
I just didn't handle it well...
I let "solving" it consume me...
some "puzzles" are fascinating ...
and can be appreciated, without being "solved"...]

and so, it would continue...
for the next 40 years...
I would try to "figure things out"...
search for the "right things to say"...
so that people would like me...
to "solve" the puzzle...

but I was always wrong...
things might start out OK....
but didn't stay that way for long...
somehow, I'd always try too hard...
loose control, and "mess things up"...

being "complicated"...
"eccentric"... "unique"...
didn't make me any friends...
but it gave me "reasonable" excuses
for harboring anger, fear, selfishness...
and, in general micro-managing myself
into that now famous "hole"...

after all... it wasn't really my fault...
[or so I kept telling myself...]
I was just too "complicated"...
too hard to deal with...

just too much trouble...
for most people anyway...
if they didn't like me...
it was their loss...
[anyway, that was my story...
and I stuck to it...]

now, don't get me wrong...
I AM quite complicated...
and I relish my eccentricities...
I have a myriad of interests...
what can intrigue me one day...
can be of little importance the next...
I'm not flaky...just pragmatic...

I enjoy being "myself"...
being different...
but the way I've attempted to deal with people
has been the problem...

so few people could "accept" me...
as I was... that I always had to finagle...
hoping to find acceptance...
always disappointed... usually, rejected...

so, I have had real "trust issues"...
and needed to have assurance...
and that's where the micro-managing
got me into trouble...

then...just Friday evening, during my walk...
that little voice spoke to me..
it said,"you don't have to figure it out...
just leave it to me..."

it was like being hit with a lightning bolt...

so clear... so simple...

if I just trust Him...
to make order from chaos....
harmony from dissonance...
to provide all my needs...
and give me peace...

then I stay out of it...

I don't scheme or manipulate...
and end up taking it all "back" from God...
so I can "fix it"...
[totally screwing it up...]

this is not a new concept for me...
but it is a concept that's time has finally come...

when I let Him untie all the knots left behind
from the anger, sadness, failure, fear and isolation...
all the strings I used to try to control...
and remove that tangled mess...
suddenly... it IS simple...

because He loves me...
I'm free to love others...
and let them love me...
no strings attached...

no more "micro-managing"...
"trying to understand" someone...
so I can "do the right thing"...
being afraid I'll "do the wrong thing"...
ending-up in a convoluted mess...

now, perhaps my friends...
[and a small "long-suffering", group they are...]
can appreciate my "uniqueness"...
my vast and varied catalog of interests...
without being "herded"...
as if by a maniacal, overeager border collie....
[with apologies to Lucy...]

I guess the fact that I have had "nothing to say"...
for quite a while was emblematic
of that which was "percolating"...
"to do less... and just "be"...

for those of you who were enjoying the silence...
[and I don't blame you a bit...]
I have a feeling that you'll appreciate what's next...
because I have a real peace about this...

...the usual suspects

"whatever Sneaky Pie said about me is a lie..." [Thomas]


"what do you mean,'you see me...' I'm hiding here ! "[MJ]


"there better be a good reason for flashing that light in my face..." [Creamer]



"Mr. deMille...I'm ready for my close-up" [Fluff]


"mess... what mess ? ...Thomas did it ! ... not me !" [Sneaky Pie]


"what happened ? I was napping..." [Charlie]

...the amazing Gracie

"finders....



keepers..."

...more pictures, meme

since words seem in short supply for me these days...
[I know some of you are ROFL at this moment...
don't hurt yourselves ...]
I thought that I would continue the "picture it meme" idea...
feel free to use anything that interests you...

1. favorite series of books...



2. book[s] I'm currently [re-]reading...



3. books I plan to read this summer...



4. favorite DVD[s] I own...



5. DVD[s] I'm watching these days...





6. latest "toy"...



7. current favorite "toys"...





8. current "consuming" project[s]...






9. something I'm NOT looking forward to...



10. something I AM looking forward to...



11. my favorite meal....



12. my most favorite meal ever...



13. what I'm going to be on my next birthday...



14. my summer plans...



15. my hope for us all...

...just pictures

Miz Minka had this "Picture it Meme" on her blog...
and since I seem to be at a loss for words these days...
[be careful what you pray for...]
it seemed appropriate...

1. current relationship status...


2. current mood...


3. favorite singer...


4. favorite movie...


5. kind of pets...


6. where do you live...


7. where do you work...


8. who do you look like...


9. what do you drive...


10. what do you do on Saturday...


11. what do you do on Sunday...


12. favorite network TV show...


13. describe yourself...


14. favorite candy....

.... a baaaahd reaction

I found this "little test"
on Fran's blog...

go ahead...
try it ...

[WARNING...highly addictive...]

you can try again
and again...
and "improve"...
or not...

I did... but not much ...

[mostly, I'm an "Ambling Armadillo"...
I managed to be a "Bouncing Bobcat" twice...]


and yes, the "bleating" is necessary...


leave it to the Brits...

"darting sheep"

....the sounds of silence...

sometimes...

believe it

or not...

even I ...

have

nothing

to say....

...restoration

sometimes...

while you're in a period of change...
and you've come to that place ...
where you've scraped away so much
that you're down to the basic framing...



and you stretch, longingly up to the sun...
wanting to be "finished"...
to be "right"... or at least "better...

all the while,
knowing ...
that there's still, such a long journey ahead...



that's when you must look around...
and in your striving... find rest...
in your driven, frenetic efforts... find peace...
in your plans... find His way...
and in your heart... find Him...



"be still... and know that I am God..."

...not for sissies, part deux

"What though the radiance...
which was once so bright...











Be now, forever taken...
from my sight...







Though nothing can bring back the hour...






Of splendor in the grass...

Of glory in the flower...

We will grieve not...

but rather find...





Strength in that....

which remains behind...


[from "Ode on Intimations of Immortality" William Wordsworth]

...that old devil moon

when I taught jr high...
I wore a "moon phase" watch...
I wanted that little bit of warning...
because when the moon was "waxing"...
"they" were wacko...hyper...impulsive...
[more than usual, anyway...]

when I left home this morning to run errands...
I hadn't looked at the "moon phase" widget on my blog...
but I wasn't "out" amongst the masses long at all...
when I heard myself say, "the moon must be going full..."
and I was right...



drivers whipping in and out of lanes...
cars NOT signaling...[not new...]
then pulling right in front of me...
and my favorite...

the old teal blue Honda Civic hatchback
that slid through a stop sign to merge
in front of me...testing my breaks...
and then a "primer grey" doppelganger Civic...
who zipped past me on the left...
only to be stopped next to its teal twin at a light...

motors revving... I knew what was next...

then the light changed...
and off they charged...
racing east on Hammer towards Pershing...
neck and neck for a bit...

"teal" Civic quit first...
[he was behind anyway...]
allowing "primer" Civic to roar off
in a victorious cloud of smog...

I felt like Mr. Magoo...
hollering, "road hog"...
and shaking an impotent fist...
as I shook my head in disbelief...



I made it home safely...
and since the moon...
is only about 85% full as I write this...
I'm staying put for the next day or so...
avoiding the bumper car tournament out there...



because if there was one thing I learned
teaching jr high for more than 20 years...
it was that a waxing moon is worse than a full moon...
and a heat wave just exacerbates everything...
[it's supposed to be hot ( 100+) for the next 3 or 4 days...]

my sympathies to all you commuters out there...
watch out.... and stay safe...

....meme, meme, meow

no... I'm NOT reverting to age 2...
I just thought I'd do a meme,
[of sorts...]
expressing my CATLY nature...
so here it is...

my feline meme...
[ah, redundancy...]

I have much more energy than I used to... but I still need my catnaps....
I used to have twice the feline housemates...and half the work...
[now, most are old...and if growing old isn't for sissies...
neither is taking care of the elderly...human OR feline...]

my furry friends eat a case[24, 13 oz cans] of cat food a week...
they consume about a 20 lb bag of dry food a week...
during flea season, we use about 12 tubes of Advantage per month...
and I go through a 50 count package of training pads a week...
[to cover the now very used "new" rugs....]

I'm going to pick-up canned food tomorrow...
10 cases that will last about 10 weeks...
also more training pads...
and a couple of bags of dry food....

we're not going to discuss litter...
except to say that Tidy Cats Blue rocks !
I have a sifter pan and the clumps, etc.
get removed easily...

I tried those pans that automatically rake out the poop...
I'm sure it would work well with 1 or 2 cats...
with my herd...it was a large toy...
and didn't work at all...



"cat games" I have observed include seeding the house with grasshoppers...
[see "Gifts from the Meow-Guys"
[note : I don't know why this link doesn't work...
the post is 9/21/07]
"stalking" each other....and the carnage that follows...
as well as numerous other "wretched things"
I have amply documented in "catmas carols"...

games I play with the kitties include...

pretending NOT to notice the pitiful crying
and starved demeanor of cats who have a full dish...
but want what I'm eating....
or just, "different"...

peering around corners, while going in or out, loaded down...
[grocery bags, trash, anything heavy or "big"...]
to catch Sneaky Pie preparing to jet through my legs...
and out the door to FREEDOM !!!
[aka the land of busy streets, fast cars and BIG dogs...]

trying to find a "safe" place for my dinner,
should the phone or door bell ring...

guessing what that crash used to be...

NOT turning down my bed too soon...
if the Piglet has been "out" and comes in "wet"...

taking bets with myself as to whether that nasty mess
is a hair ball, cat barf or worse....

but, when it's all said and done.....
my catly sloth will finally take over...

like today... after doing laundry, dishes,
changing my bed, taking out the trash,
cleaning cat boxes, cleaning up after Robbie...
mowing the lawn, edging the lawn,

planting some chives I've had for a couple of months...
moving some plants to the back, "trying to tame" the VA creeper...
watering outside, cleaning up more plant stuff,
trimming roses, lemon tree, creeper, etc ...
and getting stabbed numerous times in the process...

I'll pop some Excedrin... drink a lot of water...
sit in my rocking chair...
have some dinner...
[if I can keep "them" away from it...]
and watch some TV....

I don't think I have any beer....
[darn... dark, cold... ummmm beer...]
I just hope that I can move tomorrow...

...pay it forward exchange [Ravelry], part deux

I had been considering redoing this post...
in hopes of attracting 2 more people to accept the challenge...
and then...Miz Minka beat me "to it"...
[ would that be a round "to it"... ?]

the basic idea is that I got only one response initially...
[Mousie's Mommy]
so now... I'm "trolling" for 2 others...
[update : I now have 2... can I find #3 ?...]

I am not able to craft textile based goods...
which is too bad, 'cause I've got a bunch of cat hair I could spin into yarn..
but there are always my organic, HEALTHY oatmeal cookies...
[they are really good...AND good for you...]

and I have been known to devise "other" homemade/handmade things...
but this is not about what you get...
rather the chance to surprise someone
with something they weren't really expecting...
at a time you choose...
...just because...

all you need to do is to post
the challenge on your blog,
[if you're not clear on what that means...
see Miz Minka or my April 3 post]
and then within 6 months...
make something for the first 3 readers
who accept the challenge on your blog...
the schematic at the top of my post is intended to illustrate
how this can proliferate kindness...

if you're not a blogger... just a reader [and you know who you are...]
and you want to modify the challenge to pick 3 random people
to make something for...that's fine with me...
just leave me a comment with your intentions...

this idea came to me from Miz Minka...
who stated that "there are no rules"...
you are supposed to have a blog...
but the random acts of kindness are the point...

so in that generous spirit...
leave me a comment...
take the challenge...

you won't be sorry...

...don't worry...BE HAPPY !!![or else...]

sometimes...the world seems to close in on you...
and no matter how hard you try...
"being happy"...
is not a place you can find...
or so it would seem...


you try all the "usual ways" of "letting go"...
with not always the hoped for results....
and so... you're "treading jell-o"

still... you're relatively calm...
just not happy...
so you look "up"...



God is good, indeed....

...requiescat in pace

My next door neighbor to the north
passed away this morning...

I awoke around 8:30 AM...
to the paramedics arriving...
dressed quickly and went outside...
I knew it wasn't good...

I called my next door neighbor to the south....
as he was going in to work at the same hospital
where they had taken her...

he called me around 9 AM with the news
that she was gone...

she had lived in this neighborhood
much of her life...
and after her stroke a couple of years ago...
her family went to a lot of effort
to allow her to live "at home"...
an effort that she greatly appreciated...

she was always bright, lively and fun to talk with...
it was harder for her... after the stroke...
because she had to search for words...
but she would find them...

she was in her late 80's...
and I think she was tired...
the last time we visited...
she seemed to be "ready"....

my sympathies go to her family in their loss...
especially so close to Mother's Day....

farewell Alma...
we will all miss you...

"requiem eternam, dona eis, Domine"

...3rd generation "native", no less...

You Are 16% California

You are a bogus Californian. Go back to the East Coast.

How California Are You?

I should have known that this quiz was "bogus"...
it should be titled, "How much a Fake-o So Cal status seeker are you ?"
if you don't believe me...look at the questions...
no one living north of Bakersfield would rate "high" on these questions...
unless they're a So Cal wanna be... or actually "high"...

the California I grew up in, as did BOTH of my parents...
and one grandparent...
was FAR different from any place the creators
of this quiz could ever know...

it wasn't crowded... the air was clean....
all kinds of people got along...for the most part...
and we never locked our doors... it was safe...

people worked hard... helped their neighbors out...
and pretty much "did the right thing...
because it was the right thing to do..."

we didn't have overcrowded prisons...
epidemic illiteracy... horrific drug use...
or gang violence...

so get a grip, quiz writers...
there are many people living in California...
even today... outside the 2 major metropolitan areas...
who are not a part of the "slick" So Cal party scene...

hard working people of every color and economic level,
who ARE Californians... just like when I grew up...
and not in the least bit "So Cal"....
AND PROUD OF IT !

...living the # 3, 4 & 5 lanes

I don't have a clue what's next...
I know that, unlike this picture...
I can't "work around"...
the obstacles in my path...

that's "point 3"...
to NOT attempt to "wriggle out"
of the situation...
until you have
learned the lesson...
solved the problem...
or corrected your "way", to His...





so... here I am...
looking down a long hallway...
lots of doors...
but at this moment...
all are closed...

I am aware of what God is working on
in my self...the self He's transforming....
I'm just not sure what to DO myself...
and I SO don't want to waste
any more of my life...
being someone that He
can't or won't put into His plan for me
because I am not yet ready or able...

and He will not ...
put me into a position to fail... or fall...


I am being drawn into the light...
but I'm told to "rest in Him"...
"you live in eternity..."
every good thing is "done"...
while resting in Him...
my only task is to rest...
and trust Him...
and He will do it all...

not an easy charge for a "hands-on" girl...
but, perhaps that's why I've been here...
[ lanes 3, 4 & 5 ....] for so long...

if I can just "let Him have His perfect way"...
without interference from me...
I'll finally see "my exit" ...
and get off this "looping" road...



as I look back ...
towards where I've come from...
I see all the twists and turns...
going around in circles...

making little progress upward...
compared to the amount
of ground covered...
by constantly backtracking...

until very recently....

many of my former "issues" are gone...
but some return with any stress...
and I'm constantly battling "fear"...
"the sense of failure" and "incomplete forgiveness"...

so I have to just let Him have it all...
"surrender"... joyfully...
but...
"surrender", none the less....

before ...I would have tried to
"solve the puzzle"...
"figure it out"...
"DO SOMETHING"....

now... I will try to
"do nothing..."
without His guidance...

rest in Him...
and wait...

for Him to let me know
His way...

and that way...

will be straight...
and very clear...

God Is Good, Indeed....!

...it's all about letting go...

a comment left for me about part of my last post...
has me "thinking"...
[this CAN lead to trouble...
let's see if I can "avoid" it....]

the comment was regarding "Gods' will"...
and how it is hard to believe...
that all the bad and painful things
that happen to us...
are the will of a loving God for us...

perhaps this is "thinking outside the box"...
but I don't believe that those bad things are His will...
I believe that they are our will...
and the consequences of our actions...
by doing it, "our way"...

I don't mean this in a pejorative way...
but rather, that a lifetime of seemingly insignificant choices...
made without any thought for His plan...
whether from indecision, indifference or ignorance...
often adds up to a path far different than He had planned...

this doesn't make us "bad people"...
just "human"...

allowing us the freedom to choose our way...
and then allowing us to deal with the results...
doesn't make Him "uncaring or unloving"...
it makes Him... God...

when you tell your child NOT to touch the hot stove...
out of love and concern for his safety and well being...
and he willfully or carelessly touches it anyway...
all you can do is to treat the burn ...
and comfort the child in his pain...

but what if the child doesn't run to you...
rather, away from you, in his pain...
allowing the burn to fester ...
and need even more medical treatment...

or if the child... angry that you "allowed" him to be burned...
even though you told him NOT to touch the hot stove...
turns even farther away...
buries himself in his pain and anger...
refusing treatment... causing gangrene to set in...
and ultimately, looses a limb... or even his life...

all because of willful disobedience or carelessness...
not following your plan for him...

just imagine then, how God must feel...
when we ignore His way and choose our own...
causing ourselves, and Him, much pain in the process...



God's plan will include correction and training...
not always pleasant or easy... but necessary...
the fruits of the spirit are "watered with tears"...
and His plan always produces much fruit...

however... when we choose to do things that are NOT good for us...
He always honors our decision... and lets us go...
to do it, "our way"...
and then... to suffer the consequences
of NOT being in His will for us...

as we grow closer to Him...
our missteps become clearer to us...
and how all the "little things" we do...
that are not in His plan...
tangle and conspire together, to cause us pain...

we are free to make our choices...
but we must live with the results...

sometimes... we have "assistance" going astray...
and give in to temptations... [the enemy can be very stealthy...]

sometimes... we "rationalize"... [what could it hurt...? ]

sometimes... we don't listen to instructions... or guidance...
or warnings...

sometimes... we are just willful and stubborn sons of Adam...
and daughters of Eve...
we want, what we want...
and we want it NOW... !

so... it has been my experience ...
that all the aggravation we suffer...
and the problems that cause us pain...
are the result of "a departure from Gods' plan for us"...

we must live with the results of our choices...
but He has promised that...
"all things work together for good...
for those who love the Lord..."

He will help us to work through our mistakes...
He will heal our brokenness...
He will put us back on His path...

IF... WE LET HIM...

it is always our choice...
moment by moment...
we can have miracles...
we only have to ask... and obey...

may He continue to shower me with His wisdom...
to know His will in my life...
and the grace and trust to "let" Him
transform me into who He wants me to be...

God is so good !

...the "in-between times"

we had a visit from "our bishop" today...

[I'll leave it to other more erudite minds...
to deal with all the fallout...
from the ECUSA/Diocese of SJ situation...]

I have always enjoyed his sermons...
and today's, was no exception...

there is an old Chinese curse...
"may you live in interesting times..."

Charles Dickens began his novel, "A Tale of Two Cities"...
with the lines...
"it was the best of times...
it was the worst of times..."

today, Bishop Schofield spoke about...
"the in-between times..."

he began by speaking of 5 points that he gleaned
from the writings of an early 20th century
Dutch Reformed pastor...

as a young man, he had been so impressed
by the sincerity and simplicity of the message...
that he had copied the 5 points
inside the front cover
of his Bible...

[disclaimer : the 5 points are as I remember them....
I didn't take notes...
the "extrapolations"... are mine...]

point 1....
"God loves you...and has a plan for your life..."

[hummm... sounds like the 1st of
"the 4 Spiritual Laws" doesn't it ? ...]

people who accept Jesus Christ as their Lord...
and ask Him to heal their brokenness...
accept His death as ransom for their sins...
and accept the gift of eternal life...
must believe this basic tenant of the Christian faith...

they accept and believe in God's love...
and surrender control of their life, to Him...
because... they believe ...
that He has THE plan for them...

if you believe that God loves you...
then you believe that He will guide you...
because He knows your best way...

point 2...
if you believe point 1... then you MUST believe...
that everything happens to further God's plan for you...
this is also known as,"everything happens for a reason"...
though that is skewed to a more secular viewpoint...

so if everything that happens to a believer...
happens to "further God's plan for him"...
then we must gladly accept ALL things...
and grow as we are directed by God...



point 3...
if you believe points 1 & 2...
then you must do NOTHING...
to disengage yourself from the "situation"...
until the "lesson is learned"...
the "change is made"...
or the "task accomplished..."

if you "work" your way out of the "situation"...
on your own...without accomplishing God's purpose...
you will probably soon find yourself "right back in it"...



point 4...
God will keep you in the same situation...
["going around that mountain..."]
or keep putting you back into it...
until the "lesson is learned..."
the "changes are made..."
the "task is complete..."

point 5...
if you want to "move on"....
learn fast...
or you will be "stuck" in point 4...
ad infinitum...

point 1... is wonderful...
point 2 can be both wonderful...
or devastating...
points 3, 4 & 5... are the "in-between times"...
there may be pain, confusion, frustration, hopelessness...
for you are "in-between" the baby stage...
and the "bearing much fruit" stage...

most of us get stuck... somewhere in point 3...
we can believe in God's loving plan...
we can accept that He can make...
"all things work together for our good..."

but then..."stuff happens.."

and we are right there... taking back control...

"FIXING" whatever situation we've found ourselves in...
though OUR understanding...
using OUR powers...
following OUR PLAN...

the results may not be catastrophic...
our world may not collapse in rubble...
we may even be "relatively happy"...

BUT...

it's NOT His plan for us...

who among us would choose to eat junk food...
if a customized feast...with all the very best...
was prepared... JUST for them...
by a loved one ?

as someone who has "dropped out of the program"...
around point 3...
MANY times before...
"trying to do it on your own"...
doesn't lead you to peace...

only Jesus...
and His way of "stay the course" ...
brings you peace...

the key here... is to learn to "abide"...
to spend enough time with the "God in 3 Persons"...
so that you will hear Him speak...
you will listen to His plan...
and will follow His will for you...
joyfully...

there are generally instructions...
sometimes... with pictures...
and NOT in Japanese...
you must LOOK for them...

but sometimes...
perhaps... even, often...
the "in-between times"...
are times of waiting...

think of training your dog...
you put the treat on the top of his muzzle...
he needs to sit, quietly...
waiting for you to release him from the discipline...

THEN... he can enjoy the treat you have
so lovingly prepared...

so, let us move closer to the God who made everything...
let us accept all His good gifts for us...
let us allow His loving plans for our lives to unfold...
in His way... in His time...

may we learn of Him...
and grow more like Him...
day by day...

and may we "learn quickly"...

..."byte-ing" the hand that feeds you

my life flashed before my eyes today...
God has been giving me messages...
regarding "dying to self "...
so to illustrate the point...
today we experimented with life...sans computer...

this was NOT a planned experiment...
I was trying to "access" something...
and inadvertently "changed" my administrative password...
without realizing what I changed it to...
preventing me from downloading a software upgrade...

it wasn't until I tried to re-start my computer...
that I realized I was "locked out"...
I tried every password and variation I'd ever used...
no luck... so I went to "help"...



they said to re-install OS X...
then I could reset my password...
so, since I was locked-out anyway...
I put in the install CD...

after a few minutes of clicking "agree"...etc...
I was asked for a destination...
so I choose my "old" hard drive...[I have 2...]
they warned that the drive would have to be "wiped"...
but I didn't care...it was all old OS 9 stuff...
that didn't work anymore, anyway...

so, literally, 30+ minutes later...
I "re-start"... get to the administrator screen...
re-set my password... and proceed...

on to a desktop...DEVOID...
of ANY of my files...
my bookmarks are gone...
Quicken can't be found...
and my web browser [ Safari ] is MIA...


panicking...

I click on the "new" hard drive icon...
where all this stuff lived...

*NOTHING*

there are none of my files...ANYWHERE... !

and I'm wondering if the re-install
wiped BOTH hard drives...
because I can't "find" any traces...of my life...



after informing my computer for the umpteenth time...
"I hate you..." [with escalating venom...]
and repeating, "no, no, no..." as a demented mantra...
I sink into despair... but only briefly...

desperately... I search my mind for solutions...

at this point...
the place I take my computer for repairs...
is closed until Monday...

and then ... I hear the small voice...
telling me to trust Him...
everything is "under control"...
so I take a deep breath...
and wait...

I'm NOT very techno-savy...
but I DO know about "cache"...
where files, hide in plain sight...
and my dual processor Mac G4 has a LOT of it...

I decided that installing the new OS X.5...
[that I had been dragging my feet on...
there are always glitches... think "Vista"...]
as an UPGRADE.... rather than as a new install...
would suck all my MIA files back into being...

at least, it made sense to me...
[divine inspiration, perhaps ? ]
upgrading had always worked that way in the past...
and God did tell me that
everything would be alright...
"just trust Him"...

so with high hopes...
and another "deep breath"...
I jump through all the upgrade "hoops"...
and leave it to "install"...

projected to be over 2 hours...
which I considered a positive sign...
since integrating older files always takes longer...
than just installing on a "blank" hard drive...

so, I prepare to take a walk and collect myself...
still getting a very clear message to "trust"...
I take a deep breath...
[OK... several deep breaths]
and go walking...
making my "circuit" in a record 13+ minutes...
[it used to take 20... generally takes 15+...]

then I clean the kitty water fountains...
and watch some TV...[anything for a diversion...]

finally....I hear the "chord", announcing the re-start...

after working through the welcome junk and registering...
I get to "re-do" the administrative password...
and I finally get to the place where the desktop appears...

AND THERE IT IS !!!



MY CLUTTERED DESKTOP !!!

all my files... my browser...
Quicken [12 years of bank records...]
and all my bookmarks and links !!

I've never been so glad to see a bunch of clutter in my life...

of course... now... there are "issues" with the keychain...
[a Mac security thing...]



Safari keeps asking me for my password...
and hates every one I try...
[that's how I got INTO this mess...]
fortunately...I can just "cancel"...
they keep trying though...every time I turn around...
and things are a bit s-l-o-w-e-r... than they were...

but all things considered...
things could be SO much worse...

I think God made His point...
about "what's important"...
and just how much "in control"...
He is...

...FINALLY ... I figured it out !!! [or got lucky...]

I have a REALLY nice
digital camera...
[Fujifilm S 9000]

so nice....
that it requires
a USB 2 cable...
to download
all files...

my computer is able
to support USB 2...
BUT... I have to have it installed...
[take it apart...
take the CPU in...
BUY the kit...
PAY to have it installed...
etc...]

so I have driven myself to distraction ...
trying to figure out
HOW to get the photos I took...
ON my computer...

since asking other people ...
to make me a CD of my photos...
is far too much to ask of anyone ...
more than once...

MY solution was to acquire
a much less expensive camera...
that I COULD download files from ...
without the USB 2 upgrade...
[ a Canon SD 1000 ELPH ]



the resolution is a bit over 3 megapixals less...
than the Fujifilm...
and even though it will work with a USB 2 dock...
the supplied cable works with my computer, as is...

I've been fighting with this ...
and my lack of techno-skills...
[I know... my "Mac" ...
and it's simplicity have spoiled me...]
and FINALLY figured-out
the maze to successful downloads...
and then uploads...

I still can't figure out the editing software...
although I did get it
to remove the "red eye" from Thomas...
so more "trial & error",
[mostly, the latter...]
will be necessary...

so for those who have been after me
to post my "after" pictures...
this is as close as it gets ...
at the moment...

I want to re-arrange the furniture...
perhaps remove one chair...
re-arrange some of the plants...
and re-pot others...

then there's the framed art...
and the crystals that I need to hang...
NOT a one person job...
especially, if you have only 9.5 fingers...

and there's still some trim painting.... [sigh...]

so, until I find some art-hanging...
plant moving & potting assistance...
this is it...

[I've tried the kitties...
they just laugh...
and go back to sleep...]




Robbie, asleep on his favorite place...
it's so overcast that the flash went off...
that accounts for the bright spots...
this shot looks into the DR, and the nook beyond...



basically the same shot, but from opposite Robbie...
looking east, towards the famous French door windows...
with the edge of the front door to the left...



now, I'm right between the LR & DR...
looking into the DR, towards the west wall...
[media cabinets...Mission style in oak...]
the bright rectangle on the "red" wall is the flash from the mirror...
that WAS an orchid, next to the antique bronze clock...
the white thing on my table is a cat nest...



now, I've moved around the table and am looking back,northeast....
into the LR...the white drape on the console table is a "cat deterrent"...
[it works as long as they don't pull it off...]
that's Murphy Brown on the cat tree by the Fr.door windows...
you can see my lovely stained glass hangings...
all the light...adored by both me AND the plants...
and yes... I do have a bunch of "clocks"...[only one is set to chime...]



now, from about the same position...
looking left towards the northwest corner...
since it's dark,the stained glass window doesn't really show...
[see post of 11/19 for a daylight picture...]
one of 2 Mission style floor lamps...

my restored oil painting, "Dried Artichokes"...
as well as the Mission style TV cabinet...
the dresser full of CDs and the old Zenith radio...
Mom listened to as a young adult...




and finally, the focal point, the fireplace...
[Thomas would say it was him...]
my favorite "Trees on inclining hill" over the fireplace...
with it's bronze tools and gate...
[and another clock...]

the small lacquered Japanese cabinet ...
was from my great aunts' house...
as was the antique bronze clock in the DR...
the Mission style coffee table has a cat nest on it...

when I took these pictures...
I didn't know if I could upload them or not...
when I'm finally "done"...
I'll make sure to do an "update"...

of course... that could be a L-O-N-G time from now...

...Robbie's Rondo

this was taken back in February...
before we finished the LR/DR...
I am apparently not smart enough
to figure out how to get photos
from my camera to my computer...
so I have to use what I have,
courtesy of the cyberskills of MM...

the furry, orange cat is Robbie...
he's 19 and my very most "senior cat-i-zin"...
[the black one is Frick...generally very stealthy...
so consider yourself lucky to see him at all...]

one of my first cats as an adult,
was a red tabby with long-ish fur
named "Tiger" ...[aka "Fang"...]

when Tiger left me over 20 years ago...
it was rather sudden and very devastating...
he was my buddy...
and I grieved for him for years...

so one day, when I walked into a pet store,
to buy worms for my tropical fish...
and saw a litter of red tabby kittens...
with long-ish hair !
I had to look at them...

there were 3 fluffy little girl kitties...
all cute... all red tabbies...
gamboling about...
but my eye was drawn to the
BIG guy...just sitting there... all mellow...

then he looked at me...and I was "toast"....
he was a doppelganger for Tiger...
their faces were so much alike...
it was almost as if Tiger had been reincarnated...
[just twice as big...]

he was twice as big as his sisters...
all red tabby fluff...
and SOOO mellow...
I was putty in his paws...

it should be noted here ...
that I fell in love with Tiger...
when I saw him in a pet store window...
a big ribbon on his neck...

of the MANY kitties I've lived with...
they were the only 2, that I didn't "rescue"...
the only 2, that I "bought" from a store...
everyone else was "free"...until I got the vet bills...

yesterday, I knew that I really needed
to get Rob to the vet for a "check up"...
[I had been putting it off for a month or so...]
and when I discovered that he had last been on May 1, 2007...
that cinched it...so I gathered him up and we were off...

he has a host of "sr cat" problems...
arthritis... NOT using the cat box... [sigh...]
and the last few months... getting skinny...

they clipped his nails...
which will curl around and puncture his paws...
if I don't keep my eye on them...

the vet wanted to keep him ...
and do some blood work...
to make sure that the weight loss...
wasn't from diabetes or a thyroid problem...
he also wanted to check the kidney/liver functions...
sure indicators of bad news...

so late yesterday, when I got back from the market...
there was a message from the vet...
his blood work was all normal...[ ! ]
so they sedated him and cleaned his ears...
[he has a mild infection...]

cleaned his teeth...[ more antibiotics...]
and gave him a steroid shot ...
to help the itching and the arthritis...
[should last about a month...]

today, when I went to get him, they said
that his thyroid was also "normal"...
so they sent us home with ear drops, antibiotics...
and a bill... for $ 350.00....

[if you're keeping track...
the "unexpected expenses" total...
is now almost $3000.00...
including that tank of gas that was $50.00...]

* sigh *

Rob was gorgeous when he was young and strong...
he would prowl the neighborhood...
when allowed out...but always came when I called...

he would arrange himself, regally, on the coffee table...
the sofa back... or any other "large" venue...
looking like something out of "Wild Kingdom"...

his personality is quite different from Tigers'...
in that he is more vocal... and craves attention...
he's NOT picky... and will allow almost anyone to pet him...
but he has a couple of favorites...
who MUST pet him, when they come for a visit...

every visitor is "fair game"...

but, the moment he hears his "special friends"...
he starts "calling"...makes his way to them...
and settles in for the duration...

when he was younger, nothing could deter him...
now, Lucyfur and Sneaky Pie can push past him for attention...

nowadays, he mostly sleeps...when he's not eating...
or wanting to be petted...
and that's OK... he's earned it at 19...
my vet says that makes him over 100 in human years...
he's certainly the oldest cat I've had...

so, here's congrats on your good check-up report, Rob... !
may the steroid shot "be effective"....
may your naps be good and the food to your liking...
and may your favorite people come to visit...
and pet you...

A LOT !!



Robbie, today [5/02/08] snoozing in his favorite spot...

[post script...I apparently AM smart enough to get a picture
ON my computer... but have not yet figured out how to use
the editing software...
in my defense...I changed the text color to black AND saved it..
it came out red anyway...and then printed both...ARGH !!]

...waiting, at full speed

patience...not my forté...
and, of course, since it is one
of the "fruits of the spirit"...
always a big part of God's plan...

waiting...
calmly... joyfully... expectantly...
knowing when to be active...and how...
and when to cease activity... and "rest"....

in the last week or two...
I'm being led to be calm... to trust...
to rest in the Lord...
and wait...

I'm being told that...
"delay...is NOT denial.."
but rather an opportunity for "needed" work...
to be done...in me, or possibly others...
so I must wait...

for the renewal of my spirit...
for the withered, burned-out places...
to begin to bloom again...
with new life... but in a different form than before...



until rather recently...
I had always been so afraid...
very insecure in my "ability to be liked or loved"...
to the point of needing to grasp tightly to anyone I loved...
for fear of loosing them...

of course... this kind of behavior almost always
has the opposite effect on the person involved...
grasping, needy smothering will chase away anyone...
who is not that needy themselves...

after accepting that I was "open for possibilities" last November...
all my insecurities came out...
fear of loss, grasping, needy, smothering...
I had to deal with them all... and let them go...

truly surrender control of my life...

friends, health, work, money, hopes, dreams...
ALL... surrendered to Him...

before... that much loss of control would have made me
like a shaken-up soda...
I would have exploded in some way...

binge eating... deep depression... binge shopping...
anything ... that would fill the emptiness ...
assuage the deep sense of loss...
distract me from my deep sorrow...

and anyone I loved, would have been inundated...
with gifts... attention... anything...
to make me feel connected to someone...

that was my pattern... and it never worked...

yesterday, I had lunch with a "long-time" friend...
[at my age, I don't use the term "old" to refer to anyone...
even in such innocuous terms as "an old friend"...]

we've known each other nearly 40 years...
we went to music school together...
are "sisters" in Mu Phi Epsilon,
a national music fraternity...
and I played for her wedding...

we've worked together as musicians innumerable times...
taught school in the same district at the same time ...
and got "fed up" and retired about the same time...

if we would meet at the market, we'd talk for hours...
and had been trying to " do lunch" for a while...
so we finally just set a time and did it...

during our 3+ hour visit, we discussed her kids...
her health, the difficulties of weight loss, choirs, conductors,
mutual acquaintances... who had died, who was sick...
her plans for the summer, house remodeling projects...
contractors, singers, churches, the effects of hormones
on the post-menopausal voice, my vocal issues...
and the possibility of me ...
taking a couple of diagnostic voice lessons from her...

we also discussed the major changes in my life,
segued into from a discussion of my weight loss and improved health...

as we got into my failure at relationships,
which she had seen firsthand...several times...
she observed, in her honest and direct manner,
"you've always glommed-on to people...
and smothered them with yourself..."

well, of course, she's right...

she was right 40 years ago when she told me the same thing...
I couldn't deal with it then...
a bunch of failed relationships later...
she's still right...

or, was right...
because that part of me is gone now...

not even someone as insightful as my friend...
would be able to know from such a brief encounter...
that I HAVE changed...

I guess no one, including me, will really know...
that I am different... and how much different...
until I have another chance to become close to someone...
and can trust enough to let them be...
to not fear loss...to not be needy or grasping...

so I guess that this... is what this waiting is all about...

for rough edges to be smoothed...
organically... naturally...
without stress...

to "let" the transformation come
to its full completion...